Chapter 60: Memories

It was probably seeing an old friend again that made some once-annoying memories surface involuntarily.

Though she was already in bed, ready to rest well, the moment she closed her eyes, past events came flooding in. She tried to empty her mind, forcing herself into a state of blankness where she thought of nothing, and finally drifted into a hazy sleep.

Yet even this dream was about the past.

If her romantic experience with Chen Chen Huanyue held anything worth remembering for him, for her, the only word describing what it left her with was: humiliation.

Of course, this humiliation was not brought by Chen Chen Huanyue himself; he had never intended to humiliate her. In fact, if he had known, he would have done everything possible to avoid the people or things that caused her humiliation. But... sometimes things do not always go as one wishes...

Chen Chen Huanyue treated her very well. He was a gentle, considerate, and self-restrained big boy. Even though he was only twenty-one then, still carrying the greenness and student air of youth, his conduct and actions were already proper and thorough. Anything entrusted to him required no further worry about what came next. Professors and classmates all liked him; he was the popular male god in everyone's eyes.

Moreover, he was good-looking, spoke and acted with elegance and courtesy, and carried a natural sense of superiority cultivated by a great family since childhood. This superiority was not deliberate; to fit in, he would sometimes go to great lengths to hide it, so as not to make others uncomfortable.

Such a person was originally someone with no connection to her, but strangely, that was the very point, and even now she found it baffling.

One day, while she was working a part-time job at a milk tea shop, it was early morning with few customers. He suddenly walked in and said to her: "Student Yang Yi, I am Chen Chen Huanyue, a senior one year above you. My major is Business Administration, and Professor Li Mingwei is my advisor. Here is my student ID." He took out his student ID and handed it to her. At that moment, she took it over in complete confusion, not knowing what he actually wanted to do.

After Chen Chen Huanyue waited for her to finish reading the student ID, he took a deep breath and said to her very seriously: "Student Yang Yi, what I am about to say comes entirely from my heart. It is not because I lost a bet with someone, or some truth-or-dare game, nor a sudden whim, but the result of my careful consideration."

Chen Chen Huanyue was a celebrity on campus. Even though Yang Yi was introverted and had a small social circle, she knew him. His solemn words made her almost lose her composure.

"Uh... please, go ahead..." She remembered stammering those words at the time, even using honorifics.

Chen Chen Huanyue looked earnestly into her eyes, his tone sincere and gentle, even carrying a touch of tenderness: "I have liked you for some time. Will you be my girlfriend?"

And at that time, she was wearing a T-shirt bought from a street stall for 19.9 yuan, jeans for 49 yuan, and sneakers with frayed soles. The shabbiness of her entire being practically rushed out to meet people.

For some reason, perhaps vanity, she agreed to him.

During their subsequent relationship, he was gentle and considerate. He neither interfered excessively in her life nor forcibly changed her wishes. He did not act like those straight men who had never dated, making a fuss over some inexplicable trivial matters, nor did he act like the arrogant male protagonists in domineering CEO novels, full of self-importance.

He respected her self-esteem, which was so strong it was almost unnecessary.

When she said she had to work part-time and might not have much time for dates, he tactfully recommended a job suitable for college students with decent pay. After starting work, she discovered he worked there too.

When she said she was someone who warmed up slowly and was not yet very familiar with him, so she might not be able to engage in very intimate gestures, his behavior during their time together was restrained and polite. Even before holding hands, he would first ask for her consent.

Sometimes she even suspected he had investigated her beforehand; otherwise, why did he seem to understand her living habits better than she did?

Sometimes, she would even basely think that Chen Chen Huanyue was with her just to laugh at her, to watch how a destitute girl with extreme self-esteem struggled left and right in life, trying to hide the ball of poverty inside her clothes like a clown, thinking others couldn't see it, only to realize the ball had long bulged out from under her clothes.

Although Chen Chen Huanyue never deliberately displayed his family background, there was no doubt that from his speech, demeanor, food, clothing, and daily use, one could see his family conditions were superior, and not just slightly superior.

But he always accommodated her. When no one was around, he ate with her in the cafeteria, accompanied her while she worked, studied with her in the corners of the library, and strolled with her in public parks. These were all activities that cost no money, because she did not want to spend his money, and she was not used to taking it for granted that the man should cover all expenses of a date.

Moreover, at that time, she was overly cautious, her character was bitter, and she could not even provide him with any emotional value. Instead, Chen Chen Huanyue was always tenderly caring for her, supporting her, and praising her.

Sometimes, she simply thought he was an angel.

At other times, she thought he might be a demon who would one day tear away this veil of tenderness to reveal his true purpose.

She wanted to draw near to him, just as one wants to approach a fire source in the harsh cold of winter.

Yet she also wanted to push him away, because she feared that once she got used to this warmth, if the fire source suddenly went out, she would feel a coldness greater than any she had experienced before.

When she was with him, everything was fine. Outside of that, everything was not fine.

She usually went to the cafeteria to eat a bit later, when the peak rush had passed. She did not like crowded environments. Another reason was that at this time, with fewer people, the cafeteria aunties' hands shaking while serving rice would be less pronounced.

At that time, she was always very hungry and cherished all food. Her rice grains were always eaten cleanly with the soup. But the girls in the same dormitory seemed to be competing, taking pride in wasting food and boasting about who ate the least, as if eating a lot was vulgar, common, and out of place.

They would order one takeout meal, eat only a few bites, then throw it away. When they got hungry again, they would order another one.

Once, she saw Han Jiao, a roommate, order a grilled meat rice bowl. After eating only a few bites, she prepared to throw it into the trash. Yang Yi, feeling it was wasteful, glanced at it a few more times. Han Jiao seemed to notice her gaze and asked with a smile: "Yang Yi, I'm full, and there's still so much left, which is a bit wasteful. Why don't you help me finish it?"

Yang Yi had just returned from work then, her stomach growling, utterly exhausted. She had to pay tuition, earn living expenses, phone bills, and data fees. Although the school provided subsidies for impoverished students, it was merely a drop in the bucket.

If it were usual times, her strong self-esteem would have made her refuse without hesitation. But at that moment, exhaustion and hunger left her no time to think too much. She thanked Han Jiao, took the rice, forced herself not to wolf it down, and ate it all.

At that time, her self-esteem and sense of shame were terrifyingly strong, and she feared owing anyone anything because she had nothing to give in return. She feared group activities the most because she had no money to contribute.

After finishing the meal, as a return favor, she picked up her own and Han Jiao's thermos flasks to fetch water. Just as she stepped out of the dormitory door, she heard Li Li Ningxin giggling: "Look at her shabby appearance. Eating someone's leftovers and enjoying it as if she's never had good food in her life..."

Han Jiao said softly: "Don't say that. Not everyone has good family conditions..."

She could not hear the rest clearly. She felt all her blood rush to her head, her mind dizzy and her body numb. She didn't even know how she walked out of the dormitory building.

Halfway along the path, she felt her stomach churn. The grilled meat rice bowl that had been delicious beyond compare just moments ago now felt like a lump of excrement, making her nauseous. Her whole body went numb, then weak in waves. She felt dizzy, her vision blurred, and she almost had tinnitus. She could only put down the thermos flasks and sit by the flower bed to regain her composure.

Yes, she knew she reeked of poverty. Poverty was not revealed by cheap clothing brands, affordable cosmetics, or living expenses that were always insufficient at the end of the month. It was revealed by a loose thread on her clothes, old underwear that had lost its elasticity, a second-hand phone that was always out of battery, and from every averted gaze, every shrinking movement, and every sentence revealing her insecurity.

She never believed poverty was a fault, but poverty indeed kept her far from the lives of her peers, making her feel as though she and these classmates, though in the same room, lived in two different worlds.

Li Li Ningxin's words certainly felt like a needle prick to her, but Han Jiao's pity made her feel even worse. She could calmly accept others' contempt, but she could not endure their condescending pity.

This pity made her feel lower than them, lowering her very personality by a rank. Poverty did not make her feel unequal to others, but this pity made her unable to lift her head, like a slave unable to lift their head before a master.

She desperately tried to find some areas where she was superior to them.

Family: Although none of them were from great wealthy families, most were middle-class or well-off, and they were cherished by their parents. As for her, it was better not to mention it.

Studies? Pitiful studies. Because she was busy working part-time, her academics could barely be maintained at an average level.

Personality? She was introverted, afraid to speak, had a narrow social circle, and was not as open and generous as they were.

Appearance? They were all college students in their twenties, youthful and beautiful, looking very pretty with just a little makeup. She, however, could not even bear to buy cosmetics and still did not know how to apply makeup.

After thinking it over, the only thing she was slightly better than them at, the only special thing she had, was that she had a boyfriend, a boyfriend who was the focus of everyone's attention.

How many times had she, in the middle of the night in the dormitory, heard them criticize and comment on the excellent boys on campus, secretly holding evaluations and rankings, while Chen Chen Huanyue was almost always voted number one.

This was also the reason she agreed to Chen Chen Huanyue's confession in one breath.

Just think about it: a god-like figure they were always secretly discussing and secretly liking was actually the boyfriend of the most inconspicuous, most shabby girl in the dormitory, a secret boyfriend! This was not only a satisfaction of vanity; it was also a form of invisible revenge.

Yes, you look down on me. Yes, I have no money or family background. Yes, I am introverted and cannot speak well. Yes, I even eat other people's leftovers. But that boy you discuss secretly and silently like, he only likes me. He does not like any of you. He is my possession alone.

She sat by the flower bed holding two thermos flasks. Around her, students came and went, none knowing what crazy thoughts were in the heart of this ordinary girl with her head bowed.

She darkly, basely, and tragically imagined, imagined herself rushing to the dormitory, kicking the door open with a cold smile, and saying to them in a feigned casual yet triumphant tone: "Li Li Ningxin, I heard you voted for Chen Chen Huanyue on the school forum yesterday? Han Jiao, I heard you really liked the piano piece Chen Chen Huanyue played at the last school anniversary? Zhou Zhou Beibei, last time I even heard you call out Chen Chen Huanyue's name in your sleep!"

She would pretend to be shy, deliberately acting affected, and say to them in a coquettish yet boastful tone: "Chen Huanyue says thank you for your liking, but he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend is named Yang Yi, so please behave yourselves!"

If they did not believe her, if they were shocked, mocked, or viciously satirized her for wanting to eat swan meat, that would be even better. Best of all, if they cursed her severely, calling her delusional, calling her a dreamer, saying she was crazy for men, telling her to take a leak and look at what kind of trash she was—that would be even better!

At that time, she would almost tremble with excitement, her face flushed with agitation. Because she knew the real show was just beginning, the best climax of the revenge drama! It would be the moment of greatest brilliance in her life, a life as barren as a desert of an ugly duckling!

She would personally link arms with Chen Chen Huanyue and come to the dormitory—though at that time she deliberately ignored the fact that men could not enter the girls' dormitory. She would link arms with him in a dignified manner, head held high, even triumphantly and affectedly, like a victorious general wearing medals, waving to everyone she knew or didn't know, greeting all strangers, those she had had conflicts with, those she had just met, classmates, peers, and seniors, greeting everyone.

If someone were to ask her, "What is your relationship?"—that would be perfect, exactly what she wanted; she would even secretly thank the person who asked. She would feign calmness, point casually at Chen Chen Huanyue, and smile slightly: "My boyfriend, Chen Chen Huanyue."

Then, amidst the mutual glances and heated whispers, she would walk into her dormitory beside Chen Chen Huanyue. Before Li Li Ningxin, Han Jiao, Zhou Zhou Beibei, and the others, she would introduce him in the most calm, casual, and indifferent tone: "Sisters, this is my boyfriend, Chen Chen Huanyue. He heard you didn't believe he was Yang Yi's boyfriend, so he came personally to prove it."

At that time, what expression would they have? What mood would she herself be in?

By then, she had been too excited to imagine it.

Chen Chen Huanyue, oh Chen Chen Huanyue, at that time, was he even a person? He was merely a tool she used to show off, the only brilliant light on her dull and lifeless body, the vanity that swelled endlessly and overflowed in her dark and inferior heart.