Chapter 114

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Protagonist:

Shaowei

Liu Qi

"I was just about to tell you this." Zhao Qie'an said, holding a wine bowl, "I've investigated for several days and learned the general situation. That Lu Marquis's only daughter Feng Zhu, met with misfortune in her youth and has been missing for many years. Some say she was imprisoned by the Feng Family's enemies, others say she was abducted by mountain bandits. The Feng Family has given no clear statement to the outside, so there are many conflicting rumors, and some even speculate..."

"None of that needs to be said." Shaowei interrupted him, saying, "Just tell me the current situation... how is she now?"

Zhao Qie'an seemed to feel it wasn't right to simply describe her as good or bad, drank another mouthful of wine, then said:

"I secretly went to the Feng Family twice. I could see she has an old leg ailment, her fingers are incomplete, and her movements are not at all convenient or dignified. More critically, her mind is confused, her speech is incoherent, and she stays in the Ju Yuan all day, never going out to see people. The news gathered from outside is the same — it's said that since this young lady was found, she has not once appeared before people."

Shaowei said in a low voice: "Going by this, she's living very badly?"

"Can't put it that way either." Zhao Qie'an continued, "I went twice, and each time I saw the Lu Marquis and his wife both attending at her side, with utmost patience and care. There are female doctors and maidservants serving in the courtyard, and outside are guards with considerable skill keeping watch. Since she's unwilling to see people, the Lu Marquis and his wife have guarded her courtyard watertight, with only the occasional invited doctor entering and leaving. It's a fortune amidst misfortune."

Seeing the young girl before him listening with particular seriousness, Zhao Qie'an subconsciously added some details: "The second time I went, I also saw her sitting in the courtyard, composing poetry together with that Lu Marquis's wife."

Shaowei couldn't help but press: "What poem? Was it well-written?"

The household servant shook his head: "Couldn't understand it, hard to say, but the maidservants all said it was good."

Shaowei imagined the scene simply described by the household servant, and her heart settled considerably, until the next moment, she suddenly heard him say: "There's one more thing. About two years ago, the Feng Family found Feng Zhu's child left behind outside, a daughter."

Shaowei didn't react in time for a moment; in that instant, a sense of dislocation between past and present life arose. Her eyes widened slightly as she asked in bewilderment: "... What daughter? Where did you hear this news?"

Household servant: "The daughter Feng Zhu gave birth to while wandering outside. After the Feng Family found her, they acknowledged this child. This matter is no secret in the Capital."

After a long while, Shaowei's widened eyes finally blinked in astonishment. She frowned, feeling it was incomparably strange: "What's she called? What does she look like? Where was she found from?" Mother couldn't possibly have another daughter, could she?

Moreover... how could they openly acknowledge her?

Countless images and sounds surged into her mind at once — the Lu Marquis's coldness, the brothers and sisters' mocking contempt, Feng Xu using a gentle tone to euphemistically hint that her very existence was a stain, unacknowledged and unable to leave the house...

The household servant's hoarse voice pierced through those mixed memories, reaching Shaowei's ears: "Don't know what she's called. Outside they only call her Feng Family Young Lady. She's also about sixteen. As for appearance, I couldn't see her either. After she was brought back to the Capital, she entered Xian Tai Gong to cultivate Immortal Arts. Heard she has to wait until eighteen years old to return home."

About sixteen...

Shaowei's gaze sharpened, and she immediately said: "This is impossible."

She is also sixteen this year. Mother couldn't possibly have two daughters of similar age without her knowing. That person cannot be Mother's daughter... Fake, mistaken!

Shaowei abruptly stood up: "How could the Feng Family just acknowledge her? Then... does that Feng Family young lady herself also acknowledge her?"

Killing her would be one thing, but in the end they even got her identity wrong?

The household servant looked up at the emotionally surging girl, shook his head and said: "These are all things that can't be found out from outside. The Feng Family young lady's mind is disordered, and this child went straight to Xian Tai Gong upon entering the Capital. These mother and daughter may not have had a chance to meet."

"What mother and daughter!" Shaowei suddenly raised her voice: "It's not!"

Shock, bewilderment, incomprehension, and some belated indignation and grievance, like a sudden flood, instantly submerged everything.

Shaowei strode outward, bang— shoved open the Tang Wu's broken door, took large strides across the Small Courtyard, then pushed open the Courtyard Gate, rushing into the Night with an unstoppable, restless resentment.

This night there was no wind, the bright moon was clear and cold, heaven and earth were utterly still, only her lone footsteps sounding. And this great stillness was like a mirror, reflecting the girl's burning impulse in every detail, making even herself unable to just watch from the sidelines.

The household servant followed silently behind. Seeing that figure walk a hundred paces then suddenly stop, standing on the small path where the grass bushes on both sides had sprouted new green, caught in a struggle between advancing and retreating.

The household servant still holding the wine bowl did not step forward.

He drank to bolster his courage, intending to admonish and lecture after drinking. Who knew before he could reach that step, he'd suddenly fallen into this even worse situation.

At this moment he didn't dare step forward. This kind of thing he couldn't persuade clearly even if he tried. Very likely one word from him would earn a completely defiant face. He had experience in this... better to let her decide for herself. He'd just quietly observe the changes.

Seeing that figure remain motionless for a long time, the household servant tilted his head and finished the remaining wine in the bowl, carried the bowl and continued quietly observing.

Shaowei's mind right now held countless voices, but the loudest and calmest one was a single question — what then?

Where would she go, what would she do? Barge into the Feng Family to demand answers? Say she is Mother's daughter? With what proof? Could Mother recognize her? Would she be willing to acknowledge her? Even though she never cared about that identity, once she went to the door, she'd have to prove herself.

And right now she knew nothing, not even certain if the Feng Family had other unknown considerations and inside stories.

Furthermore, even with a second life, would she be accepted and liked by the Feng Family people? She hadn't changed much. Her origins and temperament were seen as unbearable. At this point, would she still go knocking to be mocked for her bestial nature? Why should she rush to be humiliated and judged by them again?

She didn't like the Feng Family, not one bit wanted to return to that place.

Even if she didn't stay, just causing a big scene to vent would be fine. But what then? Once exposed, would the Feng Family pretend nothing happened? What about Huali? Where would she go? Not look for Jiang Fu? Not kill the enemy?

Huali at this time still hadn't secured her footing, hadn't yet gained the Emperor's trust and reliance. Once entangled with the Feng Family again, countless people and matters would swarm in, dragging her into an even more complex situation.

Shaowei's emotions were in turmoil, her fists clenched tight.

Fine rustling sounds came from the grass bush beside her. The sound drew nearer. Shaowei didn't even look.

A moment later, the grass bush was pushed apart by a pair of hands, and a messy little head poked out.

Shaowei felt uncomfortable under those peeping eyes. She turned her head and glanced over: "Didn't I give you meat when you came? Can't you see my hands are empty right now? Scram!"

"Oh..." The girl, scared fierce, hurriedly shrank her head back. The grass bush closed again.

Presently, the grass bush opened again. The girl who hadn't left mustered courage and asked in a small voice: "You... what's wrong with you? Did someone dare bully you?"

Shaowei occasionally fed her, but the two had never spoken like this. At this moment, being asked this, Shaowei, whose emotions were surging and eyes brimming with tears, suddenly felt a sorrow well up from within.

She had just put on a fierce appearance, yet still failed to scare off this foolish child. One could say her deterrence was nonexistent. She didn't know just what a wretched, useless, sorry figure she must look like right now!

Shaowei couldn't bear it, took off and fled this place.

The household servant followed secretly, until he saw Shaowei return to the Shen Ci.

This night Shaowei had no sleep. When the moon was at its zenith, she still couldn't close her eyes.

A person with duties, no matter how many emotions, has no qualification to abandon everything and indulge in willfulness.

Shaowei finished washing up, went to the Shen Dian on time to serve the incense fire, and listened to a whole day of Yu Si Wu's admonitions and teachings, who had been talking exceptionally much lately.

Near dusk, Shaowei stepped out of the Shen Dian, looking toward the horizon where the evening glow was about to dissipate.

In a trance, she saw her childhood self, soaking wet, carrying two buckets of water back to the Zhai, bringing them to Mother for bathing.

The House Door closed. She stood straddling the doorway as guard. By the last thread of Twilight, she turned her head and through the door crack, gazed at Mother inside the house.

Meanwhile, sixteen-year-old Shaowei also slowly turned her head; what met her eyes was clearly the statue in the hall, yet what flashed before her was still Mother's body covered in wounds. Mother was clearly as sacred and venerable as the statue, yet she suffered the tearing and persecution of an evil ghost.

The last glow of sunset dispersed.

When night settled on the roof ridges of Lu Hou Fu, a human figure also silently dropped onto them, merging with the shadows.

Before Shaowei skimmed onto the roof, she hastily glanced at the plaque hanging on the main gate of this courtyard: Shaoxian Ju.

The book says peony is also called Zhuang Li Grass; this plaque that seems to foretell old affairs is truly inauspicious — it should have been taken down, smashed, and burned long ago.

But Shaowei soon understood: this plaque probably cannot be removed; not just the plaque, everything probably must remain exactly as it is, because Mother has stopped in the old time built by them.

The Mother before her eyes is truly strange: clothes bright and fresh, clean and tidy; though her movement is inconvenient, her expression is as lively and innocent as a youth's. Mother pulls Mother's mother to sit beside the Hu Bed placed in the courtyard; maidservants bring cut melons, fruit, and tea.

The night wind already holds no chill; it is just right for admiring the moon and viewing lamps. Many lamps are lit in the courtyard, every single one lit for Mother.

Not only the lamps — the people inside and outside this courtyard also all surround Mother; only now has Mother turned back into the true Feng Zhu, rather than a kidnapped accessory.

Madam Shentu's smile is kind; the maidservants are diligent and proper; the steady doctor nü brings the boiled medicine; the courtyard's lamp light is bright as day. The scene is so peaceful that to Shaowei it seems like a fairyland; there is no place in the world more suitable as Mother's destination than here.

While she is a lone ghost hiding in the night's muddy swamp; once she invades this fairyland, all peace will inevitably collapse in an instant, everyone will retreat in panic, and Mother will be driven to frenzy by fear and hatred.

In the night, all of Shaowei's bearing is concealed; she turns her head, wanting to leave.

But she hears a voice from the courtyard below suddenly ask: "Mother, why do you treat me this well?"

Feng Zhu finishes drinking the medicine; Madam Shentu feels over her daughter's cheeks, smiling as she takes a handkerchief to wipe the corners of her mouth. Feng Zhu tilts her head back, letting her mother wipe, looking at her mother's face, and so in a trance she asks this sentence.

"Because you are my child Doudou." Madam Shentu gently strokes her daughter's hair, smiles and answers, then takes the opportunity to guide: "If Doudou has a child, you will know Mother's feelings."

"Child..." Feng Zhu blanks for an instant, then suddenly says: "Mother, I have no child!... I don't want to have a child!"

"I only want Father and Mother!" Feng Zhu throws herself into her mother's embrace, her expression somewhat frantic, tightly hugging her mother, repeating nonstop: "Only Father and Mother!"

"Good, all good." Madam Shentu lightly pats her daughter's trembling spine.

At this moment, the roof of the hall opposite the Tang Wu suddenly emits the faint sound of shifting tiles. Pei, ever alert: "Who!"

Two guards have also swiftly approached to investigate.

Shaowei has already fled a step faster; Zhan Zhan cries "jiu jiu" twice and also vanishes into the night.

Soon the guards return: "Old Madam, nothing discovered; it should be just a bird."

"Bird..." Feng Zhu leans against her mother, suddenly raises her head, looks toward the pitch-black night sky; in a trance the world spins, and she asks without warning: "Mother, did I say something wrong?!"

Madam Shentu: "How could that be?"

"No, I did say wrong... I not only said wrong, I did wrong!" Feng Zhu abruptly stands, scans all around, mutters: "Wrong, wrong..."

Madam Shentu feels over and steadies her daughter's shoulders: "Doudou has done no wrong."

Feng Zhu, who has not been this terrified in a long time, suddenly cries out loudly: "That's because Mother fundamentally doesn't know what I've done! I did a terribly great wrong!"

Madam Shentu suddenly realizes something; this is something her daughter has never mentioned; perhaps this is the true heart-knot?

She does not continue to soothe, but gently guides with questions: "Then you tell Mother what wrong it is; speak it out, Mother will help you make amends — good or not?"

"It won't work, can't be made amends..." Feng Zhu's tears fall like rain in a turn; she swings her fist hatefully against her own head, screams in pain: "Fundamentally cannot be made amends!"

"Doudou, Doudou!"

"Young Lady..."

"Quick, quick, help the Young Lady into the room!"

With a creak, the house door is pushed open by a pair of ice-cold hands.

Shaowei rushes into the room, slams the door shut, tears loose her bound hair, strips off her robe, kicks off her shoes, does not light a lamp, and with eyes full of tears throws herself straight onto the bed.

Two days and one night without sleep; the person is already exhausted to the extreme, yet this night she still cannot sleep peacefully.

Shaowei has caught the cold ailment again.

She hates this lingering toxic residue that lacks the final medicine guide to the bone; every time it takes advantage precisely when her resolve fluctuates, invading her weakness, bullying her with endless painful memory scenes.

In her daze, her neck seems once more clamped by Mother; Mother's resentful eyes seem like blade edges, cutting a person until fresh blood flows.

Covered in blood she rolls into an ice river; in a trance she sees a streak of green, like a section of bamboo pole, like a corner of green clothing.

Shaowei abruptly reaches out to grab, and simultaneously opens her eyes, startled awake.

In the darkness, a girl full of terror and pain lies on the bed; her outstretched hand still hangs suspended in the air; she stares at her own empty hand, blank and lost; her eyes blink once, large drops of tears roll into her loose hair; suddenly choking she says: "It's all your fault!"

Her arm drops; Shaowei sits up, looking at the pitch-black room; tears held back for a long time are no longer controllable, rolling down like a mountain collapse of shattered stone; she questions the air: "Where exactly are you, dead or alive!"

No one will answer; Shaowei can only sit there with loose hair and tearful eyes, complaining again and again: "It's all your fault; I said I didn't want to come here!"

Inside the room there is no green shadow she wants to seek; that person who exists only in imagination has instead become the prop for her venting of anger and grievance.

Shaowei desperately endures her crying sounds, closes her eyes, yet tears still keep falling; she can only powerlessly lower her head, saying over and over: "It's all your fault, it's all your fault..."

Zhan Zhan, guarding Shaowei, circles around, also crying along: "It's all your fault! Bad person!"

Shaowei has cried until tired; hearing Zhan Zhan's voice, she couldn't control herself and broke into laughter through tears; crying and laughing like this, she blew a snot bubble, couldn't help feeling awkward and ridiculous, so she tilted her face up and fiercely wiped her tears dry with her sleeve.

In the end, with red-swollen eyes she looked at the roof, in a soliloquy: "You wait; I will absolutely find you."

The next day, before the Shen Dian, Yu Si Wu was startled by the person who appeared beside her: "What do you intend to do?"

Wearing the Wunu Mask, Shaowei strides straight into the Shen Dian, tone flat and cold: "Shangsi Festival Grand Sacrifice; I'll first look for the feeling."

This posture may seem superstitious and mumbling, but for one who summons gods, which one is not superstitious and mumbling?

Yu Si Wu, half-believing half-doubting, follows inside, saying: "It is indeed time to prepare properly; from today on, you must practice the sacrificial dance at least two hours every day; I will personally watch."

Shaowei is not afraid of hardship, and she has her original skills; for movements she can naturally achieve thorough integration; with a dedicated instructor, her progress is rapid; Yu Si Wu sees this and is very satisfied.

On the fourth evening, Shaowei, who practices the Wu Dance diligently every day, once again leaves the Shen Ci to go see the household servant.

Arriving at the hall, Shaowei sets down the carrying basket and immediately asks: "Have you seen the person? What do they look like?"

?? (Shaowei has no God's-eye view; love, hate, resentment, anger — all must be experienced; she can only grow through choices.)