Chapter 198

·

·

·

Protagonist:

Shaowei

Liu Qi

That day, after noon passed without any immortal carriage or noble guest arriving at the door, Shaowei no longer took Jiang Fu's casual remark to heart.

Jiang Fu, whose body and energy were still recovering, took medicine and napped; Xiao Yu practiced calligraphy in the study, but one great yawn after another blew the characters beneath his brush out of shape, and the characters fell asleep before the person did.

Mo Li went out to the small courtyard; this time he had disappeared for five or six days straight, and the craftsmen in the small courtyard were like ducklings who had lost their leading fox, not knowing what to do, so someone was sent secretly to Jiang Zhai to inquire about the situation; besides, many eggs had been laid by the chickens and ducks in the small courtyard, filling several baskets. Hearing this, Mo Li immediately went to take charge of the overall situation.

Zhao Qie'an also went out: first to hear recent news, second to gain insight into Chang'an's wines. In truth, he was not clear whether any new wine had appeared recently. Although he had been in the capital for a long time, he had no refined interest in tasting wine; occasionally drinking two bowls was just casual drinking to make do, with no particular connoisseurship.

Jiang Fu had always loved chasing new things, from wine to spices to shoes. Back in Taoxi Township, many of the things the household slaves sent were fashionable items of the time.

Therefore, for this outing, the knowledge he needed to make up for was not limited to wine alone; only by keeping up with all the fashions of Chang'an City could he be considered a qualified servant.

Mo Li and the household slaves left one after another. Shaowei, who had stayed at home for several days, saw that Jiang Fu's condition had stabilized and also planned to go out, secretly to visit Liu Qi, so as to clarify many unresolved matters from this time.

Since she had to go secretly, she naturally had to hide her tracks. Although she had several sets of night-clothes, they were not suitable for wearing during the day. Shaowei rummaged through the clothing chest and found a set of men's narrow-sleeved dark robes.

These were the guard robes she had worn when going with Liu Qi to capture Hu Sheng. She wore them home; Xiao Yu actively washed and dried them, folded them, and put them into the clothing chest.

Shaowei promptly changed into them, then let down her hair bun, fussed before the mirror, simply tied it into a man's hair knot, finally used the object A He had given her to blacken her face. Everything ready, she looked at herself in the mirror as a whole, straightened her back, composed her face, and became a rare and imposing guard.

Just as she was about to slip out, before she could push the door open, someone knocked on the door from outside, and Yong Er's voice came: "... Young Master, a noble guest has arrived!"

Shaowei had not easily received any visiting guests these past few days. Now, in a hurry to go out, she directly said: "I am recuperating from injuries; I will not see anyone."

But Yong Er's voice already revealed some excitement: "Not an ordinary noble guest, Young Master. It is Marquis Lu, Lady Shentu, and the young lady!"

Yong Er had also heard many rumors from outside these past few days. Now, seeing these rumors confirmed, as a participant, her excitement was hard to conceal.

Shaowei in the room was greatly shocked. Mother had come? Mother had come to see her? Mother had actually taken the initiative to come personally to see her?

Looking at the robes on her body, Shaowei was flustered in her heart, her hands were in a mess, and her words were hurried: "... Please go to the hall; wait for me to come over!"

Yong Er had just answered "Yes," when she heard someone in the room say loudly: "Wait... Please come here, to my Ju Yuan!"

The hall was originally the place to receive guests. Since Mother had come personally, if she acted so distant, it would show what a negligent and wayward bad child she was!

She should have run out to welcome her, but her appearance was strange. Shaowei was anxious beyond measure. She hurriedly took off the guard robes on her body, grabbed the dress she had just taken off, and put it on inside and out. However, misfortunes never come singly; the boat was slow and met a headwind. Her movements were too hurried, and the soft silk dress was torn by her elbow. She despaired and cried out "Ah!" in vexation, and had to search the clothing chest again for another set.

Shaowei, when going in and out of the Shen Ci, wore either witchcraft attire or official robes. She was very neglectful of managing her private daily clothes and did not prepare many dresses. Now she casually pulled out a set of goose-yellow embroidered white-plum hem skirts that she had never worn because the color was too bright and glaring, hastily put it on, and tied the complicated clothing belt.

She then undid her hair again, but there was no time to comb it into a bun. She only took a silk ribbon and tied it behind her head, then rushed to the copper basin, madly scooping water to wash off the things smeared on her face.

Jiang Zhai was not very large. Just as she finished washing her face, she heard footsteps outside, and Yong Er's announcement: "Young Master, the Feng Family's young lady has arrived!"

Shaowei threw down the face towel, ran over, and stretched out both hands to open the door before anyone else.

Outside on the stone steps stood only Feng Zhu, supported by Pei. Marquis Lu and his wife did not hurry to follow.

Feng Zhu looked at the girl who had hurriedly opened the door and suddenly appeared in her sight. The goose-yellow skirt was brand new but lacked careful arrangement. Her eyebrows, eyes, and the fine fluff on her forehead were still damp. She had not combed her hair into a knot, wore no ornaments, and the stray hair by her ears was fluttered by the wind from the hurried opening of the door.

Clean, but also hasty, like a yellow-and-white fox that had hastily licked its fur before coming to see people.

Her hands still tightly gripped the doorframe. Her round eyes blinked without blinking, and she asked somewhat uncertainly: "... Why has Mother come here?"

"Because Qingniang is here," Feng Zhu answered softly. "Mother has recovered from her sickness, so she came to find Qingniang."

Shaowei still dared not move rashly. She probed: "Mother... do you remember everything?"

Feng Zhu let go of the hand supporting her and stepped onto the stone steps alone.

One of her legs was severely lame. Shaowei should have gone to support her, but now she was afraid of disturbing this true immortal carriage.

The afternoon autumn sun was bright and clear, leaking onto the steps. As Feng Zhu stepped in, it became mottled and swayed, as if it had breath and life.

Feng Zhu's movements were difficult and slow, as if she had traversed countless days and nights to once again face the Black Mountain in her life. But she had to walk past it and find that sun rising from within the boundless Black Mountain.

Shaowei's hands holding the doorframe slowly lowered, but she still did not dare to breathe recklessly.

"Yes, Mother remembers everything," Feng Zhu answered. By then, she had already stood on the last step. She extended her maimed hand and took one of Shaowei's hands, saying: "Come, Mother will tell you."

Shaowei stared blankly, looking at the hand Mother was holding.

Remembering everything undoubtedly meant endless painful memories and a pitch-black past...

Shaowei did not dare to listen very much, but Mother was holding her hand, so she followed her into the house while listening to Mother say: "I remember that when Qingniang was born, the sky was bright and clear. She cried so loudly it shook the sky, covering my crying."

"When Qingniang was two months old, she would laugh when teased, could lift her head when lying prone, and could stand a little when held under the arms."

"When she was three months old, she liked to make ooh-ooh sounds, but she drooled too much, always wetting her collar. Her mouth was bright and shiny from morning to night, and her chin repeatedly broke out in rashes."

"At one year old, she could call Mother, walk unsteadily, and if you pinched her cheeks or hands and feet, she would giggle loudly."

"At two years old, she would wipe Mother's tears. After being scolded by Mother, she would still secretly cover Mother with a quilt."

"By five years old, she rarely laughed anymore. Her face was fierce, and she would bite bad people for Mother."

"By eight years old, it was as if teeth had grown on her body. Her clothes were always torn and torn again. But as soon as she had some strength, she wanted to do everything for Mother. Whoever she met, she would stand in front of Mother..."

Shaowei's stunned gaze slowly moved up from the hand Mother was holding to look at Mother's face. Mother's eyes held tears but also a smile. She pulled her to sit on the mat behind the table and said: "There are many, many more. You may not remember some of them. Mother will tell you slowly in the days to come."

"Mother came today to talk to you about the matter of our separation back then..." Feng Zhu's voice became even softer: "That day, all mistakes, ten thousand mistakes, were Mother's fault. Mother was not in her right mind and did wrong things... But are you willing to listen to Mother's explanation?"

Shaowei nodded immediately: "I am willing to listen!"

But then she quickly shook her head: "But Mother did nothing wrong!"

"No. Wrong is wrong. Even if you came to risk your life to save me, even if you were a stranger, how could I raise my hand to hurt someone? I cannot abandon reason just because I am Mother." Feng Zhu's eyes were clear, but tears slowly welled up in the depths of her eyes. In the tears, the scene of that day gradually came together.

Bringing up old matters meant reopening old scars. But when this scar was opened, what gushed out first was Qingniang's blood.

When Qingniang was still a child, she had to be bled constantly. Such bloody and sick days continued year after year, and in that Bandit Mountain, days were already like years... She became numb in her breakdown and forced herself never to go mad.

But she truly could not see any hope of escape. Qingniang was eleven years old, and she had been missing for thirteen years. Whether her father and mother were still alive was unknown... Such endless torment, when would it end?

She had no answer. She could not get any news. She could only soak in despair, only seeing her daughter being bled again, merely compromising to protect her. That day she knelt by the table, blankly looking at the earthen bowl with remaining bloodstains, looking for a long time.

Besides hatred and resentment, as the one being protected, she could not help but hate and blame herself. She should never have given birth to Qingniang. Why did she choose to bring this child into this dirty Purgatory, to become livestock for evil ghosts along with herself?

In a daze, a voice echoed again and again in her heart: Don't go on like this anymore, you can't go on like this anymore.

That day, Qin Fu's murderous intent toward her was no accident.

Her heart was numb and dull, unwilling to cooperate with that evil ghost's venting anymore; she even enraged him, cursing him.

She knew that would kill her, but looking at the remaining blood in the bowl, she felt only extreme hatred and disgust, truly no longer having the strength to live.

She had made up her numb mind to die, to end all this ugliness; she thought in her heart, at least Qingniang now had the power to protect herself, and would no longer be dragged down by her from now on.

At the moment of life hanging by a thread, Qingniang, who should not have appeared, flew over and risked her life to save her; Qingniang not only wanted to save her, but even wanted to kill Qin Fu... She had also tried to kill Qin Fu, and precisely because she had tried, she had borne too heavy a price, gradually coming to believe that Qin Fu would not die; when a person's body was trapped for a long time, their mind and cognition seemed to be trapped as well.

But Qingniang had broken through the cage that trapped her to death; Qin Fu was dead, dead!

She hacked Qin Fu with blade after blade, the evil ghost's body disintegrated, the mountain of nightmares collapsed, she broke down in her venting, her mind suddenly became chaotic, utterly lost as to where the front path lay, and in panic she thought that Qingniang was also stained with too much blood; the people in this zhai would not let them mother and daughter go...

She had prepared to die, but never thought to let Qingniang take part in this; what should she do now, what should she do?

She did not know the Ling Family Army would arrive on that day; in her view it was merely an ordinary and destructive day; she had no more mind to use, only one thought in her head: this pain was too great, this front path too terrifying, end it, end it just like this...

Love and guilt instead brewed into hatred wanting to destroy everything; she hated not Qingniang, but everything here, her own fate... but she could no longer tell them apart, she could no longer tell them apart.

She chose to give birth to her, so she should end her with her own hands; she and Qingniang would disappear together, and this boundless pain and sin would be completely ended!

But the tears of a small child were like a ball of fierce fire, burning a large hole in her heart; in the end she could not bear to strike, and thus fell into another even greater collapse—what had she done, what had she done, she had almost killed Qingniang!

Qingniang said she did not want her as Mother anymore!

She realized what an irreparable great mistake she had committed, she was terribly afraid...

After waking up, Qingniang was no longer by her side, yet she had actually been saved... because she was saved, she was even more wrong; she could have taken Qingniang away!

Severely injured and unconscious, suddenly escaping that purgatory, this unimaginable regret and collapse completely crushed her; she could not even tell whether she had let go of her hand back then, or whether Qingniang had already been killed by her own hands!

Accompanied by too many emotions she could not bear to face, her mind was completely lost in boundless chaos; her body made a choice for her, forcing her to forget everything.

But a trace of consciousness remained, refusing to let go for a long time, struggling to wake up.

Feng Zhu said through tears: "It is Mother's incompetence, only now daring to remember this fault..."

Shaowei shook her head; only now did she understand, it turned out Mother had gone mad not because of Qin Fu's torture; yes, Mother was so resilient, supporting herself for so many years... how could Qin Fu deserve it! Only she deserved it!

Absurd thoughts, absurd conclusions, tears also shaking absurdly; then she heard Mother chokingly say: "Mother said you were an illegitimate child who should not have been born, but more because Mother chose to give birth to you, yet caused you to face such suffering..."

When a person is tortured to madness, they seem to lose the ability to speak gently; what comes out is hurtful malice, not knowing how to give this sky-high hatred an outlet.

"When Mother gave birth to you, there was no one else by my side; I thought at the time, it would be better to strangle you to death..." Feng Zhu said through tears: "But I thought, I thought... keeping you, perhaps could gain Qin Fu's trust, exchange for a chance to escape."

Back then she had not yet truly realized that evil bandit's terrifying cold-bloodedness, still holding many naive self-rescue thoughts; the original intention of giving birth to the child was also to use her.

Seeing the guilt in Mother's eyes, Shaowei said firmly: "This is Mother's right."

She said: "I am flesh and blood born and raised by Mother; Mother wants to use me however, then use me however!"

Feng Zhu wept tears like rain, suddenly leaning in to tightly embrace her daughter, sobbing: "Blame me for not knowing back then that Qingniang would be such a good child... therefore, Mother has never been bound by any so-called bloodline; only because Mother was once a child herself, so she knows Qingniang is the best child in this world..."

Not because of bloodline, not because she was a daughter, but because she was Qingniang, the Qingniang who had saved her more than once, and the more she grew up, the more guilty she made her feel.

Feng Zhu supported her daughter's shoulders, asking in a trembling voice: "Mother almost killed you; do you hate Mother?"

Shaowei endured her tears, saying seriously: "I originally wanted to hate; Mother pinched me so it hurt, but then I suddenly thought, Mother hurt even more when giving birth to me, so I couldn't hate anymore, and couldn't bring myself to be angry at Mother..."

The girl's mouth corners drooped from holding back tears, both eyes brimming with tears: "I never hated to begin with; Mother explaining it this way, I will hate even less!"

Those two packets of tears refused to fall; the girl's words also refused to stop: "Mother watched me grow up, and I watched Mother endlessly suffer and torment while growing up... I never blame Mother, because I know clearly in my heart that I am different from other children; I was born with the evil ghost's blood in me; my existence is the proof of Mother's suffering and hardship..."

"No, not anymore..." Feng Zhu supported her daughter's tense, trembling shoulders, hurriedly explaining: "You said, you never called out to him, so he is not; in your and my heart, he is not. As for the body, as for the bloodline, the blood he gave he has long taken back; after taking it back, it was drained dry; we watched his filthy blood drain dry and flow away... where is there any bloodline left?"

"Shaowei, the wrong person died; it was you and I working together to remove the evil bandit; now this place is the right place; there are no more wrong people."

"And if we must speak of some bloodline..."

Feng Zhu gently held one of her daughter's hands, placed it on her own abdomen, and said softly:

"I once heard Doctor Gao Ming say that when a female infant is several months in the mother's womb, she grows a womb and yin essence; these two can give birth to future children. Therefore, even before I was in your great mother's womb, you were already destined to be my child; we have known each other for so long, only Mother unfortunately gave birth to you in the wrong place."

Shaowei's palm grew hot, her heart trembled; as if in an instant purified by this holy saying, large tears finally fell.

"Qingniang, you say; after experiencing such a thing, is Mother still a complete, free person?" Feng Zhu asked.

Shaowei nodded heavily, tears flying: "Of course!"

Feng Zhu: "Since she is complete and free, then is there no one who can criticize Mother's hatred?"

Shaowei nodded again.

Feng Zhu smiled through tearful eyes: "Then likewise, no one can criticize Mother's love."

She could hate the child before her if she wanted to hate; no one could say she was wrong; and she could love the child before her if she wanted to love; no one could criticize, blame, or stop her.

This seemed to be the most powerful words in the world, cutting off all of Shaowei's rear worries in her heart.

Shaowei suddenly pressed her head against Mother's shoulder hollow, tightly hugging her mother, tears silently flowing out.

The warmth from Mother's embrace was always unique; this warmth was the source of all life.

Jiang Fu once said that when people are afraid, they hide under the covers because the subconscious is seeking the security of being in the mother's womb.

Even though not every mother in this world is kind and warm, this longing is carved into bone and blood from birth; many people spend their whole lives seeking the peace of returning to the mother's body.

At eleven years old, she killed her father and abandoned her mother, going down the mountain in the snow; after that, even when walking into spring and summer, in Shaowei's heart, that bloody wind and snow never truly stopped.

Until this very moment, pressed close to Mother, enveloped in warmth, the great snow finally ceased.