Chapter 1789: A Little Jest, a Curious Tale

The Purple Dawn Hall was where Emperor Liu held court; Luoyang's Qianyuan Hall was reserved for grand audiences and major ceremonies. For ordinary small court sessions like this, Emperor Liu had chosen the Purple Dawn Hall. Though it could not compare to the Qianyuan Hall's surpassing grandeur and magnificence, the Purple Dawn Hall was still one of the larger palace complexes within the imperial city of the Eastern Capital.

Inside the Purple Dawn Hall, Emperor Liu still sat high above, looking down upon his assembled ministers. Civil and military officials alike stood obediently and respectfully in the hall. Of course, for a small court session like this, not all courtiers gathered. According to the statutes of the Collected Regulations, aside from the chancellors of the Hall of State Affairs, the three commands of the imperial army, and those with special appointments or honorary ranks, the various subordinate ministries and bureaus took turns attending court to report on affairs in rotation. Otherwise, if all officials were present, merely deliberating matters would waste considerable time.

However, over the past twenty-odd years, because Emperor Liu had delegated power downward and rarely attended court, this institutional regulation had not been consistently implemented. State affairs were still handled by the Hall of State Affairs.

What was rather unusual was that in the last six months, the frequency of Emperor Liu's court attendance had noticeably increased. Though not as diligent as in his early years, he still held court five or six times each month.

The sun had climbed high, and warm spring light seeped into the hall, yet it brought little ease or brightness to the ministers' moods. After completing the formal greetings, they all waited quietly for Emperor Liu to speak.

Emperor Liu, for his part, adopted what he considered a relaxed posture, smiled, and said: "It's been some days since I last held court. I'm in a good mood today, so let's not discuss state affairs first. Let me tell you all a joke!"

At these words, the assembled ministers exchanged bewildered glances, not knowing what to make of it. What new trick was the old emperor about to pull? Even as they wondered, they unconsciously added a measure of caution to their hearts.

"Your subjects humbly await Your Majesty's instruction!" Zhao Kuangyi stepped forward, cupping his hands.

"Don't be so serious. It's just a joke, for amusement's sake!" Emperor Liu waved his hand and said leisurely: "It's not complicated. Last night I had a dream, and in the dream I saw Emperor Wu of the Former Han, Liu Che. Of course, it was Emperor Wu in his declining years.

I must say, that overbearing arrogance and stubborn self-will of his was truly off-putting. His hair was fully white, clearly aged and in his twilight years, yet he remained conceited, suspicious, and utterly arrogant — he even had the audacity to demand that I perform the kowtow before him. Do you all guess how I responded?"

Hearing Emperor Liu relate such a baffling dream out of nowhere, everyone was astonished. Yet their expressions gradually turned grave — even before the story was finished, it already carried an unusual undertone.

"Emperor Wu's merits were indeed world-covering, but Your Majesty's merits far surpass his. Even if you met in a dream, it should be Emperor Wu who pays respects to Your Majesty!" Wang Zhu responded proactively, wanting to play the straight man.

Emperor Liu, hearing this, glanced at him and said softly: "By saying that, are you also comparing me to Emperor Wu?"

"Your subject would not dare!" At these words, Wang Zhu immediately trembled like a sieve, alarms blaring wildly in his mind. Danger! He thought to himself, damn it, he'd said the wrong thing again.

However, Emperor Liu did not press the matter too hard, merely continuing his account: "I originally respected Emperor Wu as a great sovereign of his generation, with magnificent achievements — opening new territories for our Central Kingdom, making the mighty Han stand tall beneath the heavens, with none daring to challenge its edge.

Yet he would not let the matter rest, boasting before me of his accomplishments — the reforms of governance, the Order of Grace, the great unification, driving out the Xiongnu to the north, pacifying the Ouyue in the south, and extending far into the Western Regions — so smug and self-satisfied was he.

In the end, just two questions from me left him speechless and utterly shamed. My ministers, can you guess what those two questions were?"

At this question, whether it was the chancellors like Li Fang, Zhao Kuangyi, Wang You, and Lü Duan, or the other civil officials, all their faces changed dramatically, clearly making guesses. Even Yang Ye, the newly appointed Minister of War, seemed lost in thought.

If Wang Zhu had dared to respond to the first question, then to this one, no one dared to speak. All remained silent, only hoping that Emperor Liu's "amusement" would pass quickly.

Seeing no one answer, Emperor Liu swept his gaze around and landed on the Crown Prince, Liu Yang, saying: "Crown Prince, you give it a try."

Liu Yang's body tensed at the sound, and he stepped forward, cupping his hands: "Forgive your subject's dullness — I truly do not know!"

Hearing this, Emperor Liu found it rather dull, sighed, and said slowly: "I merely asked Emperor Wu whether he still remembered the Witchcraft Disaster and his Edict of Self-Reproach! My ministers can hardly imagine Emperor Wu's reaction — furious beyond measure, yet also deeply ashamed. Truly amusing!

As for comparing achievements, I only asked him whether he knew of Liuqiu, whether he knew of the islands of the South Seas. In the end, this Emperor Wu had nothing to say, and fled with a flick of his sleeve, covering his face."

"Hahaha" — Emperor Liu's laughter was not loud, yet it reverberated through the hall, reaching every ear. Only, with just one person laughing, it seemed rather awkward.

Emperor Liu noticed this as well. He looked down — his ministers, every one of them, had taut faces and grave expressions; some were even breaking into sweat. He glanced at Liu Yang as well; his face remained calm, but the half-hand visible from his sleeve was clenched tightly, revealing the turmoil within.

"Why is no one laughing? Is this story not funny?" Emperor Liu wore a puzzled expression: "Though absurd, I found it rather interesting."

Emperor Liu laughed and chatted lightly there, but the assembled ministers in the hall truly had no such mood. Even forcing a smile in agreement was extraordinarily strained; remaining silent was far easier.

Seeing no one echo him, Emperor Liu's amusement finally cooled. He thought for a moment, then said: "Enough. It was only idle talk, meant to lighten the mood. Let's drop it!"

It could be seen that as Emperor Liu's words fell, everyone unconsciously breathed a sigh of relief. Emperor Liu took it all in without changing expression, then said slowly: "Then let me tell you all another curious tale!"

"This concerns current affairs. There is an official who never does anything himself. For example, when using the latrine, it is said he requires four maidservants to attend him — and the maidservants must be young and beautiful; those over twenty are not accepted. One holds a silk fan, one carries an incense burner, one holds the toilet paper, and one is specially tasked with wiping his backside.

Heh heh heh... My ministers, do you find this matter strange? Do you find this man peculiar?"

The ministers in the hall once again wore faces of utter astonishment. Emperor Liu had actually brought such filthy business as using the latrine into the golden hall. But the sharper courtiers all sensed it — someone was about to be in trouble. The only question was who lived so "exquisitely."

Emperor Liu stopped smiling. He swept his gaze around, and his tone suddenly turned harsh: "Which official is this referring to? Is he in this hall? Step forward, let everyone have a look, and let me see as well!"

With these words, the assembled ministers began looking around. They were not kept waiting long. From the back ranks of the courtiers, a man stepped out, trembling and unsteady. Before he even reached the middle, he collapsed to the ground: "Your subject is guilty! Your subject is guilty!"

"Who is this man?" Emperor Liu's gaze, like a knife, stabbed toward Lü Mengzheng, the Governor of Luoyang.

Lü Mengzheng likewise wore a face full of panic. He bowed his head and clasped his hands: "Reporting to Your Majesty, he is Zheng Xu, Administrative Assistant of the Luoyang Prefecture!"

"What rank is the Administrative Assistant of the Luoyang Prefecture?" Emperor Liu asked again.

"Senior Fourth Rank!"

"And I thought it was some great office, some lofty rank! I'm rather curious — surrounded by four people, can he even manage to shit?" Emperor Liu slapped the armrest of his throne with force.

At this commotion, all the ministers trembled and bowed their heads in unison. As for Zheng Xu, the Administrative Assistant of the Luoyang Prefecture, he kowtowed without cease, still crying out: "Your subject is guilty! Your subject is guilty!"

Seeing this, Emperor Liu leaned forward, his expression actually turning somewhat ferocious: "What I'm even more curious about is — are the verdict documents of your Luoyang Prefecture also written by someone else on your behalf?"

At this, Zheng Xu's words changed: "Your subject deserves death! Your subject deserves death!"

The hall fell into silence, the very air nearly frozen, leaving only the sound of "Your subject deserves death." After a moment, Emperor Liu sat up straight and said softly: "My ministers have all heard it. This Zheng Xu keeps saying he deserves death. Since he himself thinks he deserves death, then I shall grant him his wish."

"Guards of the hall, drag this man out and behead him!"

"Yes!"

Amid Zheng Xu's shrill cries for mercy, the dignified Administrative Assistant of the Luoyang Prefecture ended his life just like that. Before coming to court, he had not had his family prepare a coffin — a lack of foresight indeed.

"You, this Luoyang Prefecture — how have you been running things? You can't even educate your own subordinates properly?" With Zheng Xu executed, Emperor Liu turned his spearhead toward Lü Mengzheng, who had held office for less than half a year.

Lü Mengzheng's face was taut as he responded: "Your subject bears the crime of negligence in oversight and instruction. I beg Your Majesty to punish me!"

"Withhold half a year's salary, to see how you perform afterward!"

"Thank you, Your Majesty!"