Chapter 35: With Legs to Walk

Ponzu could do nothing in front of a convulsing man.

"Ahhh..."

I just sat there watching.

My target, number 103, the snake charmer Bourbon, was stung to death by his own trump card bees.

I did not intend to kill him.

However, I had absolutely no confidence in my own strength; although I cannot call myself a regular, I have taken the exam several times, and I do not know if there are any weapons or combat methods. A veteran of periodic testing already knows.

This is why I chose the "Poison Bee" as my weapon, because it is just the right Material for traps and bargaining.

Of course, I have the serum.

I do not intend to let the other party die unless there is a serious incident.

But Bourbon could not be saved. Ponzu could do nothing but watch him die.

I do not know if it was a trap he set, something he brought himself, or a snake living on this island, but countless snakes were tightly Attach-ed to Bourbon's body, threatening Ponzu.

The snakes, overly loyal servants, did not understand that this was precisely the act that led to their master's death.

Ponzu could not reach out.

"Oh..."

Watching a dying man, all she could do was remember.

"Ponzu!!"

The person who tried to help me during the Third Exam, the one I wanted to be friends with.

"I'm sorry. Scared me."

I apologized with a lonely smile, and although I felt a heartbreaking sense of guilt from that expression and those words, I remembered that I could not hold the hand she extended.

—Even someone who wanted to be a friend was seen as a "Death God," feared, and rejected, but for a man who would suspect whether he owed you even if you helped him, I did not summon the courage to jump into that group of snakes.

"--Get out."

... I wonder what I would have done if the Death God had saved me.

In the cave, Ponzu just squatted.

Bourbon was dead, the Plate could not be obtained, and unable to understand his death or even issue orders, Ponzu walked away and was blocked by a snake. I did not move, having no choice but to wait for the exam to end.

No, even if Ponzu had a way to steal Bourbon's Plate or escape from here, she probably would not do anything.

She had long since lost the will to act.

"Hello!"

From the moment I rejected the hand of the person who dirtied her hands to help me, from the moment I instinctively feared her, and even from the moment I gave up the qualification to be her friend and wanted to run away, in reality, I could do nothing, I did not want to.

I could do nothing but rely on her help, but thanks to her, I was able to survive and pass the Third Exam, but I could not repay a favor, and I hated myself for hurting her in the worst way. Then I thought I had no right to receive anything.

Even so, him advancing to the Fourth Round and trying to snatch Bourbon's Plate was nothing more than complacency.

If she ran away without doing anything, she would be killing for no reason.

For a coward with nothing worth protecting, she carried a sin that could not be atoned for; even if God forgave her, she herself would never forgive.

So at least, at least Ponzu wanted to prove this.

What you did has meaning.

It was not meaningless that you let me live.

Because that is all I can do, and I cannot think of any other form of atonement, so I Stick to it, and this is the result.

"... I'm not stupid... doing nothing is more meaningful."

It is winter now, so it is not bad, but as time passes, the stench of death grows stronger, Ponzu muttered to herself.

Of course, no one would answer this call.

Falling back into silence and self-loathing, Ponzu continued to squat, not even thinking about getting help from the Review Committee after the exam ended.

... I heard the sound of someone walking into the cave, but did nothing.

It is not that I wanted to disqualify someone through despair and collateral damage.

I really did not want to do anything. I really thought that everything I did would backfire, so it would be better if I still did nothing.

Once again, Ponzu made the wrong choice.

Seeing Ponzu and Bourbon's corpse sitting so defenselessly in the cave, the man could not help but raise his voice in surprise, perhaps because he felt that even if it were a trap, it was too imposing.

"!? Wow! Huh? You are Ponzu... who is that old man over there?"

When someone called her, when someone called her name, Ponzu did not look up. I did not care, so I did not react, but I was a little worried about something in the corner of my mind.

I felt that the voice sounded familiar, but I did not have the strength to look up at the other person's face, so I squatted down and tried hard to recall where I had heard that voice.

"... Hey. Are you okay? Could it be that you are injured and cannot move?"

Even if he was not the target, he should have thought that everyone around him was an enemy in this exam, but he was confused, yet he approached her and called out to her with concern.

Thinking about where he had heard that man's voice, thinking and thinking, Ponzu lifted her head with effort.

"Uh!?"

Ponzu, who had been doubting whether she was still alive, suddenly looked up; the man was startled and stepped on Tatara behind him.

Confused again. More panicked than before, not knowing what to do.

He had completely forgotten that Ponzu was his target; he was just worried.

This kind of kindness is now a deadly Poison to Ponzu.

Ponzu said with tears in her eyes.

"How... did you get in?"

I know you are talking nonsense. Despite this, Ponzu still grabbed the chest of the man in front of her, one of Sora's companions, Leorio, and shouted.

"Why!? How did you get in!?"

The bewildered Leorio could no longer see.

Just crying, Ponzu regretted it again.

If he had been screaming when he heard footsteps, if he had been shouting that there were snakes in the cave and he couldn't get out, he might not have come in, or even if he did, he might have done something after coming up with a countermeasure, he might have come in with a countermeasure technique, she continued to regret, but it was too late.

... I continued to regret, and the me who rejected Sora became the biggest Obstacle to the one who accepted Sora.

"Huh? Huh? No, I don't understand what you mean, but what on earth is this!? Do you mean you can't get out!?"

Ponzu's incoherent words were naturally impossible for Leorio to understand the situation and Ponzu's state of mind, so while being dragged by Ponzu, he called out to another person, but the other party, Bourbon, did not respond.

Ponzu also did not react at all at first, but if one spoke to him, he would move slowly, move slightly, and when Bourbon realized he was really not moving, Leorio looked at him carefully for a few seconds. Afterwards, he was at a loss.

Even in the Pitch Darkness of the cave from afar, it was obvious to Leorio, an aspiring doctor, when looking closer, that he was already dead.

Judging from the many lumps on his hands that were smaller than a Table Tennis ball, I guessed that was the cause of death.

"!? Bees!"

"... No... I can't get out... the reason is... not the bees..."

Leorio misunderstood why Ponzu was going crazy over Bourbon's wounds and cause of death and shouting "I can't get out."

Leorio was confused by Ponzu's words again, but this time he was mixed with bewilderment... a considerable part of him saw a trace of relief in Ponzu's calmness.

Seeing Leorio smile slightly, as if relieved, made me want to cry again, but Ponzu bit her lip and endured it.

Your choice will not be wrong.

If it were bees, it wouldn't be that dangerous as long as you didn't get close to the hive side, and if you had never been stung, Ponzu decided that even if she were stung a little, she could escape, not wanting to break through from the cave. I picked up the Stone scattered in the cave and threw it onto the path he and I had entered.

"Hey!?"

Just then, a whole path of poisonous Snake slithered out from the cracks in the rock wall, and Leorio let out a scream.

"... The cave itself is a trap set by the snake charmer Bourbon. I fell for it, but I killed him before I could get the unlock code from him."

"... So... so... I'm sorry... I can't leave here anymore. I have no choice but to wait for the exam to end and wait for the judges to come and help me."

Ponzu explained and apologized with tears in her eyes.

My mind was also filled with regret and self-loathing.

Because I was sleepy and did nothing, the companion who could stand by Sora's side, unlike me, could only give up the exam. Perhaps it was better than death, but Ponzu collapsed on the ground, crying like a child because she couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

"Hmm?"

Leorio might find it harder to deal with him crying quietly than grabbing him frantically and yelling at him.

Ponzu's head felt a bit Heavy.

With a thud, I gently placed my hand on Ponzu's head to keep the bees planted from her hat from coming out, and then patted it gently two or three times, just like soothing a child.

I saw that movement.

What I cannot have, I should not want.

"Oh, sorry. Don't be so depressed. I don't think you didn't try."

When I was mired in self-loathing, I saw the image of her holding me.

"Don't cry, don't cry! If you use living things as weapons, no matter how much Training you do, accidents will still happen! Treat what you did as an accident and pray for the uncle's soul! If it's atonement, that's enough!"

Even if you can't get out of the cave, it's the old man's fault, not yours! You don't have to bear unnecessary guilt!"

He looked away from Ponzu, who was staring at Leorio in a daze, and quickly dismissed him.

Her reaction was the exact opposite of hers, but the essence of the kindness she spoke of was too similar to hers.

I realized how I was different from him, why I couldn't be by his side, and he could be by his side.

But this understanding was meaningless. Instead, it only made Ponzu feel more guilty.

Ponzu felt like she wanted to kill herself now, biting her lip to hold back the tears that were about to overflow.

"... Thank you."

I really wanted to hit eight. I wanted him to scold me and kill me, but of course, I couldn't say that.

Ponzu died of guilt, but felt she had to live, yet lived in guilt.

This purity also accelerated Ponzu's desire for destruction.

But this was only the beginning.

"Ah... I came to help..."

Ponzu stopped crying and decided for the moment that she had settled down; Leorio muttered while scratching his head and looked at his watch.

I couldn't help but click my tongue because it took so much time to calm Ponzu down, and Ponzu, already frantic and sobbing, muttered, "... Five more minutes."

"... What?" Ponzu asked.

After killing Bourbon, I completely lost the will to continue the exam, so I didn't really check the time, but even so, I thought it was impossible for the exam to end in five minutes, so I asked.

Then Leorio awkwardly looked away from her again and replied, "... My friends are waiting outside."

In response, Ponzu's complexion changed.

I knew what "5 minutes left" meant without asking.

If she were there, even if she knew about the trap in this cave, she would definitely come.

If it were her... it would be even better if it were Sora himself.

If it were Sora, I feel like I could even kill the snakes in the cave.

No, you don't have to kill them all. If you are a creature that survives solely on instinct, once you see those eyes, that "Death God," you will see it faithfully retreat due to its survival instinct.

However, it was not Sora, but another person... that innocent black-haired boy, that cheeky silver-haired boy, who held her hand that I couldn't, and said: If you were a blond young man...

Due to her own fault, and the fault of rejecting her in the worst way, Ponzu separated Sora from her companions and those who were with her.

"No! Don't come! Absolutely don't let me come!!"

"Eh!?"

Then Ponzu went crazy again, grabbing Leorio tightly and begging him.

"... You are a good person."

Seeing Ponzu apologize a while ago, Leorio chuckled, muttered something under his breath, and while crying, tried to stop anyone from falling into this trap.

This was just a big misunderstanding. Ponzu just wanted to stop her guilt from deepening... because she didn't want her to look so lonely.

This is the reason Ponzu couldn't do it.

I can't even imagine Leorio's next move, nor can I stop him.

"I want to do that too, but they are both eccentric and stubborn. I don't know whose turn it is..."

Leorio comforted Ponzu's head before pulling her away from him.

Just like that, he walked along the path he came in on, toward the snake tent.

"!? What are you doing!?"

At this point, I finally understood what Leorio wanted to do.

Ponzu reached out to stop him, pulling him away from the area judged to be "snakes trying to escape the small room," but Leorio turned around and smiled.

"Ponzu, if medicine is a weapon, then you have some medical knowledge, right? Then I'd like to ask you for first aid; if so, let's leave it until the exam is over."

... Other than that, Ponzu could not lend a hand.

I can't stop. Leorio started running before he could even stop.

Then, entering the snake tent, he shouted as loudly as he could.

"Kurapika!! Go!! Don't come over!!

This is a snake!!"

"Stop!"

Ponzu let out a scream, and at the same time, Leorio was bitten by countless snakes.

I don't know if it's because of some tolerance developed from inhaling it multiple times, or because a strange drug is being secreted in my brain that makes me want to die, but Ponzu sprayed Hypnotic Gas inside the cave. Although I inhaled it, I still had a faint consciousness.

He was conscious, but whether due to the drug's effect or willpower, Ponzu's limbs were motionless, and he didn't want to speak at all.

Only my head was moving, and I was watching blurrily.

Leorio, bitten by countless snakes, warned his companions not to enter here, and Kurapika, seeing Leorio's wounds, chose to offer all his Plates to help him first, and was hypnotized.

Many snakes and my own bees also fell down, rolling around in the cave.

While trying to avoid stepping on them as much as possible, holding my breath and carrying Ponzu with my two companions is a high possibility, but it's not certain.

I hoped he would be left behind, but Gon really carried Ponzu and the two people who collapsed from inhaling the poisonous gas out of the cave.

For Sora's sake, if he didn't want his friends to fall into this Bourbon trap again, he should have been the one to shout "Don't come!", eventually succumbing to his own survival instinct.

Wanting to die, wanting to die, Ponzu was terrified.

I was afraid of dying in agony, writhing from the snake's venom.

Kurapika and Gon did not blame Ponzu when they apologized to Leorio again while crying.

Instead, they comforted Ponzu and even thanked her, Ponzu's Conscience torn to shreds by guilt.

Not like that. I'm not kind. I want to scream that I am the worst person, but I can't say it.

I couldn't tell them why I was the worst and what I had done.

Ponzu didn't know if this was just for self-preservation, or because she didn't want them to know what Sora had done.

"Okay!!!"

Holding his breath for more than five minutes until the gas was full, Gon escaped from the cave carrying three adults in his arms.

Then, he leaned Ponzu against a tree and politely put down a Plate of Bourbon.

"I will leave Plate Number 103 so the committee can find it."

Gon's sincerity and Sora's gaze made me want to cry.

I wanted to scold her, wanting to know why she always showed her face in front of such people.

But Gon is not just a child with too good a temper.

"Hmm, ah, right there."

I put a Plate of Bourbon in Ponzu's pants pocket, then rummaged through her pockets and belongings for a while, and finally found it.

"... About the fare, I'm sorry."

Gon stuck out his Tongue and pulled Number 246 Plate out of Ponzu's pocket.

Ponzu finally realized at this moment that she was very likely Leorio's target.

But even without the effect of the drug, Ponzu was in no mood to win back the Plate and pass.

On the contrary, if I caused him so much trouble, even if he tricked me into taking a Plate of Bourbon and then abandoned me in that cave, I couldn't complain, so my Plate is as cheap as that.

"... It's okay. Carry it with you."

"Eh!?"

I wanted to say it in my heart, but it turned into my voice.

Thinking I had fallen asleep, I just took out the Plate and jumped down.

Opening my eyes, I saw Sora standing right in front of Ponzu, not knowing whether to carry his comrade away or apologize; Ponzu smiled weakly and continued listlessly.

"... It's okay. I'll give that Plate to you. As a thank you or an apology, it's cheap... but it's the only thing I can give you."

Saying this, Ponzu closed her eyes again.

I wanted to leave him alone like this.

Instead, I wanted to be attacked by other students and killed by Bourbon.

Although I don't want to die, I really want to die, so I don't have the courage to commit suicide, so I have the worst desire for destruction; even if I can't sleep, I will close my eyes.

"... Hey."

I don't know if it was seconds, minutes, or tens of minutes. Ponzu no longer had a sense of time.

But I am certain that Ponzu did not end her words with "luck," but stood there for a while.

Gon stood in front of Ponzu and said.

"Ponzu... is there something wrong with Sora?"

Also, slowly open your eyes.

But Ponzu did not answer. Even if I mentioned her name, I couldn't think of anything, as if I had exhausted my feelings for her.

I don't even know if I lost my sense of guilt, or if I became so large that I was crushed, broken, and paralyzed.

Ponzu didn't know what to say, just looked back at Gon.

"... I smelled the Hypnotic Gas, and even Sora smelled a little. When we met again after the third exam."

Just as Sora said, I can't imagine my sense of smell reaching a non-human level.

Ponzu just listened to Gon in a drowsy, completely depressed state.

Hearing this was really strange. It seemed to be nothing more than a series of sounds, and it took me a long time to understand the meaning.

Gon did not answer and continued to speak, looking painfully at the already dead Ponzu.

"... Could it be that Sora killed someone at Trick Tower to protect Ponzu?"

Ponzu did not answer. Neither confirming nor denying.

I can't do it.

I want to pretend it never happened; I want to deny it. If Sora hadn't killed anyone, he would want to go back a week and start over, but Ponzu, who is not a Wizard, cannot change the past.

But I can't even be sure. Because, even if Ponzu was saved by him, letting her live, he was about to give up his own life.

I cannot say I was "protected" because I tried to make everything Sora did worthless and meaningless.

I thought I was exhausted and unable to think or feel anything, but Ponzu's sense of guilt was still working and growing.

Knowing that this thought was the greatest insult to her, Ponzu wished she could die again.

Gon looked straight at Ponzu and said, whether this wish was him saying it again, or if he still wanted to say it.

"Live. Ponzu, you are alive. Don't think about dying."

In terms of gender, age, and appearance, there was no similarity, but for a moment, Ponzu could see that the boy in front of her was the person he missed most in this world, but most importantly, he was the one he wanted to see again more than anyone else.

I feel like I am being told by Sora.

"... Ponzu. I don't know what happened in the third exam, but... but if Sora really killed someone to help Ponzu, Ponzu would die because of it. If you want to put it away, please don't think you want to die; I want you to live."

"... If you want to die because your heart aches for Sora, that's not good. Live. I absolutely don't want to die, Sora doesn't want to die."

"............ That's right, I know!!"

With a face about to cry, Gon's persuasion, which denied Ponzu's desire for destruction, stirred her paralyzed emotions.

The tears that she thought had dried up began to overflow again, and with the tears, she shouted her passion aloud in words.

"I understand! I wanted to prove it was possible, so I continued the test... and the result was this!"

You didn't just unnecessarily hurt her precious companion!

Even so, I still say live!?

Although I was saved, I was scared by Sora who saved me and rejected me.?"

"Yes."

But Ponzu's heartbreaking cry was immediately answered in the affirmative.

"Yes. Ponzu must live, not die.

And, it wasn't Sora who kept Ponzu alive."

Gon affirmed the life Ponzu didn't want and denied the fact that he was no longer a Curse.

Then he knelt in front of Ponzu, took her hand, and placed it on Ponzu's own left chest.

He placed her hand on her heart, felt the heartbeat that she was still alive, and smiled slightly awkwardly.

"A while ago I was scolded by Sora, and at that time I felt very depressed and didn't want to do anything, but at that time, Sora said."

I am the one who keeps me alive. Everyone can only live by themselves, using their own strength, moving their own heart, breathing, thinking, and living on.

Ponzu. Sora may have saved Ponzu, but it wasn't Sora who kept Ponzu alive. That is why you shouldn't use Sora as an excuse to live, and worse, to die."

He sent Sora's words to him to Ponzu, and he tightened his awkward face again to tell Ponzu.

"Ponzu. Think for yourself and live.

You want to die now because you think you caused trouble for us, Sora's companions, and you think this will cause trouble for Sora and make Sora sad, right?"

Think about it. Is this really what Ponzu wants? It should be different. Ponzu doesn't want to cause trouble for Sora, doesn't want to make him sad, so he just wants to die and doesn't want to die."

"Ah............"

With these words, it suddenly became clear.

Far from being shrouded in guilt, Ponzu's vision, which had turned into a thick fog of guilt where nothing could be seen and she couldn't go anywhere, truly cleared up.

Ponzu refused. I was scared. I patted and shook off the hand reaching toward me.

I myself wanted to be friends with her, and I should have held her hand, but I took away the qualification to be a friend.

But I can't let go.

Although I know better than anyone that my desire for friendship is a humble and arrogant wish, I still can't let go.

That is why I feel guilty.

"Hey, Ponzu, don't die. Sora wanted to let Ponzu live, so he saved her. If you die, Sora will definitely be very sad."

If Ponzu dies, you won't be able to do anything more for Sora, will you? All Ponzu is doing is making Sora sad.

So let us live; as long as I am alive, Sora will surely be very happy. Even if it is impossible now, if I can survive, if I don't give up trying, Ponzu might be able to do what he truly wants to do. If you die, then it is over, but if you are still alive, even if it takes time and the chance is small, your wish might come true, right?

Then let us live; I won't waste it even if I die."

Gon's face, smiling innocently, looked very much like him, even though in shape not a single person looked alike.

"Effort is tiring, and results cannot be guaranteed, but rather than giving up because you cannot reach yourself with the word 'genius,' your chance of becoming who you want to be is higher, so you won't collapse." Let's do our best."

To Ponzu, who was only denying what he had done for the sake of excuses, Sora's statement affirmed Ponzu up to now, giving him a future, which was very similar to the smile he had when he said this.

It was really similar.

But it wasn't. He is not Sora.

The similar smile and words certainly made me very happy, but when the dark clouds dispersed and I realized what I truly wanted to do and what I wanted to see, I could not let the similarities deceive me. None.

——Want to see Sora.

I want to apologize.

And this time, I really want to be friends.

Seeing the wish that was still too far away to let go of, Ponzu began to cry again.

"Okay... okay... already... okay... so."

When Ponzu told Gon this, Gon was still a bit confused and flustered, but seeing Ponzu's face, he felt relieved and felt it was okay.

I know the meaning of her tears.

Because of the distance between what Gon said and his wish, that was not a face of despair.

No matter how far it is, that was a smile that made me glad I have legs to reach there.

"... Hey, Sora. Do you know a student named Ponzu?"

After the Fourth Exam ended, Gon asked Sora while waiting for the Airship to arrive at the bay of the Association.

She was not there.

In the end, Ponzu entrusted the Plate to Gon and Leorio, giving up on passing this year.

"... Although I broke through to a certain extent, I would still feel guilty seeing Sora, but I can tell that because I was afraid, I couldn't do anything, and most importantly, even if I couldn't pass, I would kick you guys. I don't want to," she said, deciding to end this year's exam here.

Before parting, Gon asked if Sora had anything to say, and Sora shook his head.

"No. By the way. There are many things I want to say to you, but they are all things I want to say to you in person."

How did Sora look at her, who was smiling with tears in her eyes?

Gon had no reason to care, and although he knew this question was nothing more than trivial curiosity, he was still curious.

Hearing Gon's question, Sora widened his eyes in surprise, but did not ask back: "How do you know that name?"

She did not answer Gon's question, nor did she reject his question, but narrowed her indigo eyes as if looking into the distance.

"... I know.

The person who participated in the Third Exam with me lacked confidence and gave up quickly, but she was kind, brave, and strong inside... She is my friend."

To this answer, Gon only replied: "I see."

I will not tell you how I know Ponzu, what happened there, or what she cried about or wished for.

That is because I think Ponzu should have survived and achieved victory before him.

Although I believe he will be fine, I am worried that Sora might feel guilty like Ponzu, only able to see a wish he doesn't truly want, but if he heard that answer, there would be no need to talk about it.

Gon understood that destroying the Treasure they would obtain when they meet again was even worse than the previous question.

So Gon hurriedly changed the subject.

Although we know that one day there will be a beautiful ending, the person who gets that ending does not know it himself; he seems a bit lonely and sad. Speaking loudly on the street.

"By the way, Sora. Your jumpsuit is torn, what happened?"

"Nothing! If there is nothing, then there is nothing!!"

But it produced the opposite effect.