Chapter 372: Episode 29

"Who are you! Quinn!"

A Gragg Mcmiyah armed with a weapon walks toward us. How easy would it be if he accepted the attack instead of dodging it and let himself be killed? But my body acts automatically.

This is a dream. Nothing more than a reproduction of facts left behind in memory. So I will not be killed by him here. The truth is the exact opposite.

I clench my fist with all my might. Crushing his weapon, breaking his ribs, destroying his organs, then the bleeding. The feeling of killing a person for the first time is vividly reproduced to a chilling degree.

Immediately after, the field of vision is obscured by a sandstorm. The feeling of floating for an instant. Then, Gragg Mcmiyah appears before him, holding a weapon in his hand.

"Who are you! Quinn!"

Repeating the same question. I keep killing him without answering. Something is deleted each time. I cannot think of anything.

"Who are you—! —!"

The image of repeating the same thing over and over changes little by little. Gragg Mcmiyah's body blurs as if it were being smeared. Flowing blood-red clings to it, as if to make up for its collapsing depiction. Red armor covers him.

"You are me."

Instead of me, who has no answer, a disgusting voice that cannot be listened to answers forcibly. A meaningless answer without any substance. It enters through my earlobes and erodes my brain, making my existence empty.

My body also begins to blur. Unable to maintain the outline, the shell cracks. This means a mental breakdown. The virus is trying to enter my fragile self.

I cry. I do not raise my voice in the dream, but the outline stops collapsing. Then, he strikes Gragg Mcmiyah with his fist. Continuing to kill him is the only way to save myself.

The only feeling I can feel is "regret." Other emotions can no longer protect the mind. My intense negative emotions toward myself are the only light that can keep my self together.

So I kill him and continue to regret. I remember that scene over and over again. If I don't do this, I will be completely immersed in the red armor.

The true identity of the red armor is "Consciousness-Aggregate."

I utilized the eggs within me through "Spirit Synchronization." Sacrificing the lives of countless others. I never thought about the will of the "individuals" residing there. The collective will takes precedence over anything else.

That is the basic function of my existence. For example, male Mantis are eaten by females during mating, but it does not matter if the Mantis is happy. Because that is how sentient beings are. Feeling that one is "poor" is a selfish human imagination.

But I imagine me, countless existences, realizing that they are not all equal. There is me as a superior figure called the subject and a subordinate figure exploited only as an egg. As an egg, I am used up, not allowed to be born, I am just waiting for my turn to die.

It all started with the relationship with the research team. There, I first came into contact with human existence. Out of a desire to understand them, I integrated "him" into myself.

As a result, it kept me away from humans. Although it is a creature different from humans, it also absorbed a part of human sensibility. As a result, the gap between ideal and reality continued to widen. You cannot see who you are, and you develop extra empathy.

At that time, I did not realize it, but the foundation for the creation of the "Red Armor" should have already been there. He first activated the "Carbuncle Talisman" after he killed Gragg Mcmiyah. I learned "death" by killing him.

No matter how much you are forced into a desperate situation, you cannot learn death from it. On the contrary, it is the realm of life. When I am on the verge of death, the person who reaches that point must be someone else, not myself.

The gap between the ideal (human) and reality (I). I strangled my ideal of life. The separated ideal is the "Hermit Talisman."

I tried to impose things I didn't like on people other than myself. This is something I have taken for granted many times before. As the superior subject, I let the egg as the subordinate take on this role. What would "I," trapped in an ideal and unable to escape, look like? I am sure he must be suffering just like I am now.

It materialized in the form of "feelings of post-mortem reinforcement." An ability belonging to the Nen taboo. It is said that Nen-users who die with intense regret may continue to leave the influence of their power in this world even after death. My other self, who understands people and death, was awakened by a "feeling of post-mortem reinforcement." Even after the egg died, the effect of "Spirit Synchronization" was strengthened, bringing explosive energy to Quinn.

However, by that time, the effect only drove Quinn mad. I made a decisive mistake by letting the 【Hermit Talisman】 increase significantly. Because he created multiple subjects.

With multiple subjects, there should be a highest rank. In the past, the subject and the egg were the entities where consciousness resided, and there was a clear distinction between the two. It was impossible for an egg to dominate the subject. However, now that thousands of subjects have been born, there is no distinction at all.

The main body has fallen into a situation where it is consumed just like the eggs of the past. Then, who is giving orders as a superior? There is no body. The specifications of the subjects are all the same, and there is no hierarchical relationship.

In other words, there is no superior anywhere. It is an invisible vortex that exists only on the network where the subjects are connected to each other through "Spirit Synchronization." Although there is nowhere to go, there is absolute control. Therefore, there is no way to go against this will. If that "vortex" orders death, there is no choice but death.

The hallucinogenic symptoms of drug addiction gave the vortex an "image." We created evil that was favorable to us and continued to pour suffering into that big pit. Because this is the easiest thing to do.

Finally losing control, we tried to escape the vortex. Cutting off the things we hated like before. I tried to dissolve the collective consciousness and make the network itself non-existent.

But you cannot erase what was originally invisible. A huge vortex of nothingness has always existed within us. Feeding on the "post-mortem reinforced feelings" consumed by thousands of animals, the "Deep Vortex" became more powerful, bared its fangs, and eventually took over all of us.

I am just one of those trapped in the armor. I cannot control my own body and can only dream in a sense of self-reproach. I do not know how long this consciousness will last. When this happens, what will become of me?

When my existence is assimilated, one thing I understand is that the goal of this "Deep Vortex" is the other side of the sea. Crossing Lake Mobius, it is about to head to the human continent. It pursues its ideals in a naive way, striving to become a human.

I intend to walk on the seabed and then keep going south. And when it reaches the continent, the "Deep Vortex" will try to absorb humans to get closer to them. This is the only way it can understand others. Even if the ideal will never be realized at the end of that act. How deep, how far away, the ideal diverges, and the thoughts after death become stronger and stronger.

This is a disaster. Can humans eliminate this threat? Although I am troubled, I can do nothing.

The image has changed. A new task appears before me.

Recognition was delayed for a moment. I stared at it, not knowing what it was. When I understood the "lump of meat" that had been prepared and its intention, my senses froze.

My sin began. A picture, deeply imprinted in my memory. Like a snail's shell, when you enter, the cage of memory narrows, and what you have been hiding in your heart pours out.

Take a piece of meat.

There is an amazing rejection. I cannot do more. I don't want to see such a thing. I want to escape now.

This is not me.

The image distorts. The outline twists. My existence is collapsing.

Regret and repent. Do not look away. Do not escape the sin.

Only repetition is allowed. To regret, you must reproduce it. Only by "eating" can I recognize myself.

Even if I look straight at what was taken from the meat, I cannot recognize them, as if they were covered by a mosaic. Only the smell of blood and warmth remained on his hands.

——If you cannot admit your mistakes

Bring it to your lips. The image is interrupted many times and disappears into snow noise.

——I have no right to be myself.

＊＊＊

When I woke up, I was already in the forest late at night.

Cheru and Tokunosuke were sleeping nearby. This is a campsite. The memory of exploring the forest with the investigation team in search of rewards, in other words, is a dream.

Quinn stands up from the makeshift bed. There are no lights in the camp at night. Making a fire is like telling a dangerous creature where you are.

"What's wrong? There's still a long way to go before the shift change, it would be better to sleep a little longer."

A voice sounded from the darkness. A man was sitting with his back against a tree. It was very dark, I couldn't see his face, but I knew who he was by his voice.

For some reason, Quinn never approached him. He stood there stiffly, maintaining an unnatural distance.

"What is a human?"

Quinn asked suddenly. I didn't make Quinn say that. This is a dream, and I can't control what I see. It is an image reconstructed from past memories.

But I don't remember experiencing such a scene. I don't remember asking anyone this question.

"Huh? Are you human? Hmm... hmm..."

The silence continued, as if he were at a loss. Quinn waited in silence. In the windless, quiet forest, I just waited quietly.

I do not know what a human is, but I do know the most "human thing" in the world.

That is "comparison."

... Is the answer different from what you expected? I wish I could say more about my dreams, but I am sorry that I can only say this much.

People compare themselves with others. I am a creature that can only feel happiness by doing so.

Is it wrong? I agree. I think so too. A person's happiness or unhappiness is known only to themselves. No matter how much I sympathize with starving children in developing countries, I do not understand their unhappiness, nor do I understand the unhappiness of those starving around me.

Although it is not something that can be compared from the start, we discover value for the first time by doing so. That is why I am picky about things that seem trivial to others. Spending time and money on things that have no meaning, or throwing away one's life.

However, isn't this error a part of being human? What if there were a person who was correct about everything? That person would be able to complete value on their own, without needing to compare with anyone. No hope, no despair, nothing to understand except oneself. There is no such person.

Human desire is endless. If there is no standard for feeling happiness there, I will seek endlessly. I believe you will not be satisfied with your heart, you will only be left with regrets. If we only pursue the "justice" of our own hearts, we cannot live justly. You cannot continue to exist on your own.

Life is full of errors. But we can live without worrying about it. People envy, despise, respect, and love because they can trust someone without basis and compare themselves with them. You can meet people different from yourself and change for the better or worse. Just like that, little by little, a "person" is born.

From now on, you will meet many people. To compare, you must understand this person. It is difficult, it seems impossible, but you must try to understand it. Thinking that you only understand the surface will yield nothing. Whether you are mediocre or a genius, good or bad, you have something you do not have.

Compare it with yourself.

... It seems this night is about to end soon. I have had a conversation without a pattern.

Let's go, Quinn.

Awakening. My first sensation was pain.

The heat and steam were blowing fiercely; they seemed to be steamed. I could not endure the heat of the scorching ground, so I consolidated my footing with the Almeiza Machine. The pain proved that this was not a dream. I could move my body according to my own will.

Where is this? The surrounding area was shrouded in Dense Fog. A huge Shadow streaked across the other side of the fog. A giant walked. The earth thundered.

This is where the island once was. At the end of the battle with the Regenerating Fugura, the colossus fired a railgun that evaporated the ocean and caused an Explosion, completely changing the topography of the seabed. There is no island here anymore. Where I stand is just the edge of a raised basement.

There is no sign of the Regenerating Fugura. It must have evaporated, leaving not a single cell behind. Even at the epicenter of so much destruction, the red colossus remained as if nothing had happened. Did it withstand the Explosion, or did it disappear and then regenerate from nothing?

I was able to stay safe because until recently I was treated as part of the giant. For some reason, they are separated now. Fortunately, nothing was overlooked.

I remember the dream I just had. There were memories more important than anything. Desperately caught up in memories that were disappearing.

"Kattlai...!"

That was it. The scene where I met him was not a record of the past. I truly spoke with him.

He was there in me, he took over his spirit and gained a new life. Once again, he helped me.

In order for me to Escape, I took on what I had to carry. He could do it. "Allergy Incense" attracted all kinds of Malice. I took over the self-loathing imposed on me by the red armor.

Only I was saved. Many of me and his are still in that pain. The colossus ignored me and walked into the sea.

I had a thought. An irrepressible emotion.

It was thanks. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

Finally, I got the "answer." Who I am, I can answer now without hesitation.

I picked up the thing that fell beside me. It was burned and tattered, but I knew it. It was a carry-on bag. As expected, it was durable enough to be made with Material from the Dark Continent. I could never be separated from this bag. The medicinal flowers I hid inside haunted me like a Curse. Return to me.

The things in the bag were safe. I took out a small Stone and ate it. Instead of licking the Soul Stone, I ate it all. Absorb the power of that "ore," do not leave anything behind.

A violent pain shot through my whole body. I was struck by the heat that burned my internal organs. She did not drink the spring water soaked with the Stone to dilute the power filled with her Qi, but swallowed the whole thing. This was dramatic. Ignoring my poison resistance, my body was destroyed from the inside.

I expected it. I knew it was dangerous, so I had never thought of trying it before. But it was not that he had not considered the power that the act would bring.

This Stone promotes vitality and grants life. Excess Life Energy gave the creature power, but at the same time, it brought death closer.

Life was Flowing rapidly in my body. Accelerating breathing and blood Flow, activating metabolism, and increasing egg production. A large number of eggs were produced and died, and new eggs were produced.

Luanalmeiza gained Life Force beyond the limit by drinking the spring water. However, even if his physical body died, his power would not be lost, and his soul was trapped in the spring water, becoming a lingering thought.

My eggs did not lose their will after death. As a kind of "post-death enhanced feeling," it was increasing at every moment.

There is no hierarchy between me and the eggs. The intention living there has only one thought. There is no such thing as self-loathing. No longer comparing "me" with "me."

I compare "myself" with "him." When a sub-Dragon attacked and helped the squad Escape, I must have been curious. Even if you bring him in, you should feel "things" enough to want to know.

At the beginning of my crime, all the answers were there.

The sight of him fighting to save people moved me. It made me want to be like that too.

For me to save him, for me to save me.

Saving humans is for humans. That is my "human proof."

Activate "Idolatry." Pour all the "post-death enhanced thoughts" into the created Quinn. Quinn is wrapped in shining armor, like a Fire of will. It can be controlled without going out of control.

Leg power Explosion. Quinn's body flies through the air. No hesitation about where to go. Create an engine similar to a bud on the arm and rotate it. Quinn's body is pulled by the generated Magnetic force. Attract myself to the red colossus.

The body of the colossus I saw up close was not armor made of Almeiza Machine. Most of its composition was body. The bodies of countless ants gathered together, solidifying into a huge figure. The statue itself is a group.

If you jump in, it is not free. Future things should not be a struggle. What is important is not defeating, but understanding. I don't know how long it will take. Unimaginable hardships await.

But I have no fear. There is a feeling that fills my heart. A firm decision, neither affirming nor denying. Accompanied by the rise, power overflows infinitely.

I will soon die, the life accelerated by the Soul Stone will soon Burn out. However, even if the physical body perishes, only this determination will never disappear. I don't need anything, except that will.

I don't think my choice is correct.

Even so, I admit I was wrong and chose this path.

Just to save an important person.

The colossus turns to us. There is a hole in the faceless head. It is a mouth welcoming me in. My comrades eagerly await my return, welcoming me with crackling jaws.

Deep in that vortex, I fall endlessly into the Abyss.

The ship continues to move forward.

The seabed without light.

＊＊＊

Aiming for the desired land.

＊＊＊

To heaven.

＊＊＊

Among the many corpses.

＊＊＊

The egg has already hatched.

＊＊＊

It is still snowing outside the window. The snow sliding off the triangular roof makes a thumping sound. It rains every day, tirelessly. Thanks to this, if you forget to shovel the snow, the windows and entrance will be filled up overnight.

I climb onto the silver-haired girl's shoulder. The girl begins to walk clumsily.

This is an uninhabited island. Inside is a mountain cabin. For some reason, I live on this island, but I can still say it is uninhabited. Because I am not human.

I am an ant. It looks a bit different from the ants you usually see, and the size is also a bit different, but it is precisely that ant which is called an insect. And although I am an ant, I have the ability to objectively analyze my own existence, which is an ability that transcends ants. This is due to my ability as a species.

The Ant Queen of our species has a reproductive system called "Foraging Mating," which is rare in the world; by eating other organisms, she manifests biological characteristics that she did not have in the previous generation. Perhaps the Ant Queen who gave birth to me ate a human and gave birth to me using human thoughts.

I am the Ant King. I am a king, not a queen. When the ant colony reaches a certain scale, the Ant Queen will give birth to an Ant King. The Ant King has the role of leaving the nest and forming a new colony. However, for someone like me who has human consciousness, I cannot treat the activities of ants as my own.

Do you think it is a tragedy that human consciousness exists in an ant that is only a few dozen centimeters long? At first, I was surprised, but I soon got used to this feeling. Or is it just an inability to accept reality?

Although I have a clear ant identity, I also have a mixed consciousness as a human. I feel like I have become a ghost possessed by an ant. In my mind, along with my ability to think, my knowledge as a human has been inherited.

However, it is nothing more than a record of information, not a memory of what a person actually experienced. My consciousness is formed based on the personality of "someone somewhere," but I do not know what kind of life that person lived. In other words, it might be an existence similar to "another person with a similar personality."

Still, there is no problem. I have enough knowledge to think. There may be some knowledge that has not been passed down, but I don't even have that awareness, so I don't feel distressed.

There is only emptiness. After acquiring knowledge and being allowed to think, what will an ant do?

If it were just an ant, there would be no need to worry. As living things, they just follow their instincts and execute the programs engraved in their genes. There is no need to consider meaning.

I don't know what to do or what I want to do. Because I am capable of doing the unnecessary thing called "thinking," I have to go and find the meaning of life. Where is it? It shouldn't be lying right in front of you.

Then I met a girl in white. She appeared before me, and I could only be puzzled. No, I was there from the beginning. When I was born and became self-aware, he was already by my side.

She is white, as if carved from snow. Her snow-white skin melts into the snow, and her long silver-white hair glitters like sunlight reflecting on the snow. She is a human girl, fleeting like a snow sculpture that would shatter at a touch.

The girl is half-buried in the snow, lying there asleep. Just when I thought she might be dead, her eyes quietly opened. Those pitch-black eyes looked at me.

I saw myself through those eyes.

Wearing an exoskeleton like red armor, there is a bug with a somewhat mechanical air. I can perceive what the girl sees, as if I were seeing it myself. Not just Sight Vision, but all five senses are fused together.

That mysterious feeling shook my small values. I can move the girl as freely as if I had obtained a human body. I ran frantically through the snow, shivering from the stinging cold. From now on, I will never forget that feeling.

You feel that that body is your true self. It has human consciousness and can move a human body. I am glad that this is such an obvious thing.

This is where I began. The ant and the girl, my two beginnings.

"Thousand Ghosts (Carmine Armament)"

The Ant King and the Ant Queen are born as existences with different souls and did not inherit Nen Ability such as "Heart Adjustment," "Idolatry," or "Sacrificial Cradle." The girl who looks like Quinn is a type of Spirit Beast called Parasitic Type. The manifestation of the Parasitic Type often borrows the host's aura and attaches to the lingering thoughts of others. In principle, it is not an ability created by the host themselves, so it cannot be moved by their own will, but "Thousand Ghosts" can understand the will by sharing senses with the host, thereby acting voluntarily. Strictly speaking, it is not operated directly by the host.

【Constraint】

The design of this Nen doll cannot be changed (injuries and defects will automatically recover).

In the shared senses, pain cannot be blocked.

The avatar will be maintained under any circumstances (the host dies when they can no longer provide the aura required for the avatar).