Chapter 43: Illumi's Curse

I wish it were a lie. I wish it were an illusion. I think something went wrong.

"Or"

However, Killua's expectations were easily disappointed.

Compared to his trembling younger brother, Illumi remained expressionless, more like a doll than a doll.

Killua was too nervous to believe he had actually met his brother, even though they hadn't seen each other for a long time.

"Killua's older brother...?"

Illumi, of course, did not have the spirit of service to calmly say to this mumbling:

Although Illumi could not hear Leorio's words, he ignored them and spoke to the brother who was clearly in awe.

"Mom and the second son, milky white, you stabbed."

"Uh, okay."

"Mom cried."

"Probably."

Leorio heard the story of his running away from home at Trick Tower, and after hearing that he had stabbed his mother in the face and his second brother in the ribs, he retorted that this was an impossible tragedy. Domestic violence was forgiven, but Illumi ignored it as expected. Then, he picked up a stick and watched the sequel.

"I am deeply moved."

"I am glad she grew up so well."

Leorio was dumbfounded, and the reactions of other humans were not as flashy as Leorio's, but most people were either weak or confused.

Killua's reaction was, "What is my mom talking about?" Apparently, even for Killua, his mother's reaction was just as he expected—normal driving, for better or worse—and this was not the kind of remark that could ease his tension.

And the older brother, having no intention of easing Killua's tension, coldly continued with the mother's message.

"'But I'm still worried about letting him out.' He asked me to go see him, but... what a Coincidence. I don't think Killua wants to be a Hunter."

"Actually, I also want to qualify for the next job."

"This is not who I want to be. I just accepted it in some way."

Killua finally interrupted Illumi's one-sided conversation, which was recorded as if it were an artificial voice.

There was almost no usual rudeness, but no matter who looked, it was a bluff.

Of course, anyone could see it, so it was impossible not to understand your own brother, Illumi.

"... I see. I'm relieved. I can give a Suggestion without hesitation."

If there wasn't a trace of true relief, Killua would have said without hesitation that he wanted to be a Hunter.

"You are not suited to be a Hunter."

With these words, I was resurrected.

"But Gon has the highest quality as a 'Hunter', while your quality is extremely low."

This did not sound like the artificial voice of Illumi, nor was it a way of speaking that showed absolutely no emotion, but Sora's angry words were vividly resurrected.

Then, to cover up these words, Illumi made another assertion.

"Your profession is Assassin."

Otherwise, I cannot refute it.

Sora said. I said I wasn't suited to be a Hunter, but I never denied becoming a Hunter.

He did not deny Killua, and although he accepted even the parts of himself that Killua didn't like, he said many things that I couldn't bear to say that made me happy, giving me a way of thinking I hadn't thought of before; Illumi's voice swallowed and depicted them.

"You are a black doll without heat."

I want nothing, I want nothing. You, who feed on Shadows, only feel happy when you touch someone's death. You increase what is taken from my father and me.

What is your purpose in wanting to be a Hunter?"

Unlike Sora, Illumi unilaterally settled Killua into a Fixed "type," and after a series of coercive words, Illumi took the form of asking Killua and waited for an answer.

Killua knew this didn't mean he was really listening to his opinion.

No matter what he said, his words were either denied or twisted to fit Illumi and the Zoldyck family itself.

However, Killua said.

I object.

Just because I know I can't do it.

Having lived for 12 years, this is the only way I can deny that I am not a doll.

"Of course... I don't want to be a Hunter."

"But even I have things I want."

"No."

However, Illumi immediately denied it.

Without doubting that his words were Killua's true intentions.

And Killua was no longer angry at this answer.

Even if I did that, my big brother wouldn't listen to me, because I've learned too much in these 12 years, and I've given up.

Killua was still crying.

Even if it didn't reach Illumi, I would shout.

He felt that if he didn't make that movement, he would become a doll, so although he thought it was nothing more than inertia, he still yelled.

"Yes! Now, there is something I want!"

"Hmm."

It's not that I'm not interested, but I want to know if Killua's scream was recognized as words.

"Tell me what you want?"

The prompt remained in the words. Watching the situation, Illumi quickly reached a conclusion.

"What's wrong? Is there really no hope left?"

"Wrong!"

I have hope. I cannot say it, because there is something I yearn for.

I know that if he denies this, Killua cannot go on living.

I know it will be absolutely, thoroughly denied, trampled, and destroyed.

Still... despite that, Killua spoke of a wish, a desire, a dream.

"... Gon... I want to be friends... Sora... I want to be Together with you."

It was too humble, too ordinary, too plain; that is why he said "dream" so sincerely.

"I hate killing.

... I want to be friends with Gon, to play normally. I want to become someone like Sora, someone who can protect others..."

This is a "dream" I want to realize, even if I have to deny and discard everything I have possessed for the past 12 years.

Even if it is not realized, it is a "dream" that makes me happy just by looking at it.

"Impossible."

This is a "dream" I am not even allowed to see.

"You cannot make friends, and... it is impossible for you to be Together with 'that', or to be like 'that'."

Illumi had been speaking in a Fixed tone and rhythm from the beginning, revealing a trace of displeasure.

Perhaps not wanting to say his own name, he referred to Sora as "that," momentarily erasing a glimpse of humanity, and continued to calmly destroy Killua's "dream."

"You can only judge whether or not you can kill; that is what you were taught.

The reason I want to be Together with 'that' is because I have already decided that 'that' cannot kill it on its own. I do not want to turn into an enemy; if I become an enemy, I have no chance of winning. I truly do not think I like 'that' or that I admire 'that'.

... First of all, 'that' will not protect you. That hypocrite is the most important person. When the time comes, I will abandon you first and sacrifice you."

"Shut up!!"

The one who opposed Illumi's words was Kurapika, not Killua.

"Shut up! What do you know?

Hypocrite? Are you the most important person?... If that were really the case, even after watching the duel just now, you wouldn't know how many times she was saved, let alone Sora!!"

His eyes were almost dyed scarlet, but even so, his eyes were much redder than usual; Kurapika clenched his fists in protest.

And for the first time, he reacted to someone other than Killua.

"I don't care."

Leorio and the Examiner hurried to stop Kurapika from holding the Wooden Sword; Illumi refuted Kurapika's rebuttal, and even the life-and-death struggle from just a moment ago.

And whether Kurapika's words and actions were truly important, Illumi ignored them and spoke to Killua again.

"Fine, I admit that if there were time, I might protect it. 'That' is truly a hypocrite that makes me want to vomit... but Killua. What about you?"

"Want to become like that? I can't. You can't even become a hypocrite, unlike 'that'."

Illumi's words made Killua's eyes widen.

Killua did not blink, continuing to look at his feet. I was not looking at my toes. That scene repeated over and over in my mind.

Just a few minutes ago, while protecting Kurapika, Sora's back was pierced by a Playing Card.

Before the exam, Sora avoided all of Hisoka's tampered Playing Cards and dealt with them.

Both of them reminded me of myself, who was the first to run away, just watching from far away in the safe zone.

I could not go to help.

In the death match with Hisoka, I could barely shout to stop, to halt, to run away, but this was nothing more than a bluff to cover up my fear of Sora's killing intent.

Like Kurapika, my hands could not reach Sora's back; when I went to kill Hisoka with killing intent, touching him with that kind of killing intent would result in being identified as an enemy.

Even if I was the one being saved, the one being protected, even if I knew that if I didn't stop, Sora would no longer be the Sora who protects me and wants to be Together with me. I know Killua would not lack that kind of courage.

"I am sorry to admit this, but the only thing we have in common with 'that' is 'your own survival first'. However, 'that' is too crazy. It is broken. Protecting someone even if it means sacrificing oneself is a contradiction.

You cannot want to become that kind of person, Killua. Not for a human flaw like you.

That is why it is impossible to be friends with Gon. He is too bright; you cannot measure him. I don't want to be friends with you."

"Wrong..."

Killua did not know if this denial was about Sora's story, Gon's story, or both.

However, he just reflexively refuted and denied it, to somehow maintain his crumbling heart.

Illumi must have known this very well. Taking advantage of the fact that Killua did not offer a logical rebuttal, he asserted himself.

"If you are by his side, one day you will want to kill him. You will want to see if you can kill him.

Because you are a true murderer."

Killua did not answer. Shut up, clenching his fists tightly. With that kind of pain, ensure you are not a doll.

But for some reason, I could not feel the pain. This was nothing more than paralysis caused by extreme tension, but for Killua, who had lost his composure, this was the only loss of humanity he could feel right now.

Just as I was feeling desperate about this, I heard footsteps.

"I mentioned it before."

"Oh, I know! Don't touch me!"

Leorio stepped forward again.

Angry at Illumi's remarks insulting Sora, he stepped forward, seemingly saying to Kurapika, who was being blocked by the Examiner: "Leave it to me."

Of course, Leorio was stopped by the Examiner before approaching the two brothers, just like in the match between Hanzo and Gon, but whether or not he was calmer than at that time, he no longer stood out.

But instead, Illumi raised his voice so that she could not ignore it either.

"Killua!!"

"Just like always, continue passing the exam!!"

Killua weakly lifted his head, and Illumi turned to face Leorio.

Leorio's words did not make you feel uncomfortable or angry; you could feel the eerie, terrifying movement of a robot doll turning its face and its expressionless look, but Leorio still raised his voice.

"I want to be friends with Gon!? I want to be Together with Sora!?"

"You two have been friends together for a long time, Sora loves you, loves you, you are a bracon!!"

"!"

I will tell you how stupid Killua's wishes, desires, and dreams are.

Even if Killua were truly a murderer who kills without blinking, even if Killua could not protect someone like Sora, the two of them still wanted to make him suffer, to drive him mad. Leorio told her that her dream had already been realized, as if it were one and the same. Of course.

"At least Gon and Sora should think so too!!"

"Hmm?"

Illumi voiced a question at Leorio's assertion. It seemed strange, but at the same time, he asked back: "Is that so?"

"It's Gittarackur, you baka!!"

Of course, Leorio affirmed it immediately. In his view, this was such an obvious fact to anyone that he did not know what Killua was worried about.

However, Illumi placed a hand on his chin, revealing a thoughtful expression; whether she truly did not realize it, or whether she said it only after knowing.

"So that's how it is, sorry. I know you are pretending to be 'that' sister, but Gon is already your friend."

No matter how one looked at it, he muttered with a serious face, expressionless, not as irritable as his mouth suggested. Despite his facial expression and tone, his movements were a bit exaggerated, so it was more like a puppet than a performance.

Like a doll moving according to a set scene, or a robot moving according to a program, she raised her index finger: "I have an idea!"

"Alright, let's kill Gon and 'that'."

Although Killua, the students, and the Examiner were all speechless, Illumi continued to speak as if acting on a stage.

"Assassins do not need friends. I do not need any more people who think 'I want to protect someone.' They are just in the way."

Illumi, the environmental spectator, unilaterally continued the story until the plot ended; she took out her weapon, a Needle, and then turned around.

"Where are the two of you?"

"Hey, wait, the exam is still..."

I asked the Examiner closest to me while walking toward the Venue entrance, but Illumi did not look at him.

Of course, even though he told him the exam was still in progress, Illumi did not react.

"One."

Almost reflexively, he stabbed the Needle into the Examiner's face.

Just like Illumi, the Examiner did not die, even though three Needles were stuck in his forehead, long enough to reach his brain.

Instead, just like when he returned from 'Gittarackur' to 'Illumi's' face, the Examiner's face itself writhed like an amoeba, shifting with mysterious movements.

"Ah...? Ahahaha..."

The difference was that every time the Examiner's complexion changed, he would laugh eerily, and the eerie writhing Transmutation on his face never faded.

"Where?"

"There is Nari's waiting room, and the emergency room in the back."

Illumi asked again without looking at the Examiner, and the Examiner answered in an awkward, eerie tone, then immediately collapsed to the ground.

While saying "Thank you," Illumi did not pull out the other's Needle, nor did he kill him in one go, and continued to walk forward.

However, as expected, he stopped at the door.

Because what was blocking Illumi was not just the judge's hunters.

Leorio, Hanzo, and Kurapika stood in front of Illumi without hesitation.

Seeing them like this, Killua felt heartache again.

"'What about you?'," the older brother's voice rang in my ears again.

Why can't I stop the illumination now? I ask myself.

Even though he didn't need to think about that answer at all, Killua moved his gaze away from the answer and blocked both himself and his brother's voice from his ears.

"Sorry... because of work, I need the qualification; if I kill them here, I will fail, automatically passing by killing."

As for Illumi, she looked at the students blocking her, reading the words straight off.

And the acting was already too Taihaku, continuing to be pretentious to the point of being a Lobo actor.

"Ah, no. Killing or are you Together? Hmm... that's right!"

Random and obvious. I was doing it on purpose.

To him, this farce was a pre-established harmony.

"Let's pass the exam first, and then kill those two!"

This was just a necessary farce that could thoroughly destroy Killua's budding self-reliance and rebellion.

Therefore, Illumi sought confirmation from Netero like a farce.

"Then, even if I kill everyone here, my pass will not be revoked."

"Hmm. The rules are fine."

Netero calmly affirmed even the most morally questionable remarks with sleepy, ambitionless eyes.

The other Examinees, the Examiner, and even Killua, who looked at him with a sliver of hope that he would stop him, realized that even if the rules had no problems, it meant nothing to him.

"Did you hear that, Kill?"

Netero's affirmation marked the end of this farce.

Illumi slowly turned around, as if admonishing Killua, and told Killua the current situation.

"If you don't fight me and win, then neither Gon nor 'that' can help you."

Needless to say.

Not to mention Gon, even Sora, who had been constantly fleeing from Illumi, was severely injured in the battle against Hisoka. There is no guarantee you can Escape as you did before.

And it is not just Gon and Sora. Without a doubt, it is easy for Illumi to imagine killing not only the two of them but also Leorio, Kurapika, and Hanzo, who would try to stop him.

Even if Gon and Sora were thanks to them and the Professional Hunter Examiner, these three students taking the exam would definitely be killed by Illumi.

I am afraid of what the reaction would be if they were killed.

Hanzo might walk a hundred steps without saying anything, but if Leorio and Kurapika died while Killua was still alive, what would Gon and Sora say, and what kind of faces would they make? I cannot help but fear what you might think.

"Can you fight for your friends and me? You cannot."

But my body did not move.

If one of them does not want to die, he will have to fight, just as Illumi said.

Like Gon, who can forget even when tortured and continue to dream of his long-cherished wish, or like Sora, who uses herself as a shield to protect those you want to protect. I cannot.

Illumi looked at his brother with deep, dark eyes and told him.

He himself also kept looking away, pointing at that "answer" of constantly fleeing.

"Because whether or not you can defeat me here is more important than being friends."

"No!!" The word stuck in the back of my throat, unable to be spoken.

These two are truly important.

From the cold Pitch Darkness, the two people who forcibly pulled me into the warm sunlight that makes me want to cry—Killua cannot say it, although he loves and cares, most importantly, this is a "dream" he loves.

"And you already have the answer in your heart. 'With my power, I cannot defeat my brother.'"

What Killua is thinking about in his mind right now is not their smiling faces.

The only one who can be stopped by Illumi is myself.

I cannot hear their voices.

Gon's voice is so straightforward and familiar, yet so innocent, making me worried.

I cannot even hear the voice of Sora, who always calls me softly, kindly, and affectionately.

I hear the voice of my brother's heartbreaking Curse, that is all.

"Do not fight an enemy you cannot beat."

The Curse dyed Killua's thoughts in the color of avoidance.

The body that should have been tense and Hard unconsciously wanted to take half a step back.

"Freeze."

However, his instinctive actions were drowned out by Illumi's words.

Illumi straightened his left hand and slowly approached.

Everything here is his. Killua is afraid of wanting to run away now, even though he has no Needle weapon.

"If you move even slightly, it is considered a signal to fight. Likewise, the moment your body touches my body, the fight will begin; there is only one way to stop it, do you understand?"

"But... do not forget. If you do not fight me, those two important people will definitely die."

Is this your life, or the life of the person you care about?

The two "wishes" that Sora always kept in such a precarious balance that she could not let go were presented as options.

"Do it, Killua!! No matter what, I won't let you, Gon, and Sora die!!"

"No matter what, we will stop him!! Do what you want to do!!"

I know what Leorio is shouting behind me, but I can no longer even recognize what those words are.

However, I can only see the fingertips of Illumi's gradually approaching hand.

All I can hear is my own heartbeat, which is about to undergo an Explosion.

... Between his heartbeats, there is a faint voice.

"Does Killua care about running away?"

Before the exam, Sora asked Killua, when Hisoka provoked him, he did nothing and ran away because he could do nothing.

I remember saying, "You can run away, or rather, run away."

Of course, I remember.

But I cannot recall it.

I do not remember why she told me I did not have to worry about running away, or why she wanted me to run away.

My heart is screaming that it does not want to die; it is too noisy and is disturbing me.

I do not remember because I do not want to die.

"You will definitely become better than me..."

I do not remember the words that I need to survive.

"............ What a shame."

It broke before I could remember.

"I lose."

Just before Illumi's fingertips touched Killua's forehead, he announced it in an inorganic and sleepy voice that had lost more humanity than Illumi.

Rather than a declaration of failure, it was more like giving up on being human.

"... Ah, good for you. The battle ends here."

A few seconds after Killua's declaration, Illumi clapped his hands and laughed somewhat exaggeratedly.

For the first time, he revealed an expression that looked like an expression, but no matter how you look at it, rather than a laugh, it is more accurate to say he turned it into a smiling mask, almost as expressionless as it was. Stuck, without any emotion, just. Nothing more than the shape of a smile.

"Hahahaha, Killua, that was a lie. Killing Gon was a lie. I was testing you for a while. Someday, I will definitely kill 'that one,' regardless of you."

... but now it is clear.

He said this while gently patting Killua's shoulder with a sticky, Goo-like smile.

Illumi placed his hand on Killua's head, bent down to look at his brother, and spoke as if he were admonishing him.

At that moment, the mask-like smile had vanished.

"You are not worthy of making friends. You do not need them."

Looking down, the living doll, more emotionless and inorganic than the hollow Killua, spoke with absolute clarity.

Killua betrayed and abandoned his friends and those who wanted to be Together with him, and was sentenced to "punishment."

"Just like before, listen to me and our father, and do your job.

If the time comes when the Hunter Exam is needed, I will give instructions. I do not need it now."

I told myself my position, what I am, so that I would not make mistakes again, would not make mistakes again.

However, Killua could no longer hear Illumi's voice.

It does not matter whether you listen or not.

I cannot think of anything else. He moved only by his brother's Spell, which was equivalent to a conditioned reflex that had seeped into his body. I only know that I have become like that.

I cannot even hear my own heartbeat that loudly anymore.

The wish I shouted about not wanting to die was fulfilled, but there is no proof that I am still alive.

I cannot hear anything. I cannot see anything. I do not know what to do.

Killua did not even understand the meaning of the words popping up in his mind.

Even Killua himself did not notice the voice saying "save me." Imaginary Uro, I had no choice but to blend into it.

——I heard nothing.

But I heard this.

Unable to ignore it, he lifted his face.

"Yes, yes, yes! Mr. Sora! I just came back from stopping the bleeding and getting a blood transfusion! I wonder if it's thanks to the extra blood?

So whose game is it now? Is Killua finished? Won? Who is my opponent? I mean, why is everyone so tense right now?"

"..."

Everyone's eyes were focused on Sora, who had burst in from the entrance of the Venue and appeared at the end, speaking nervously.

And everyone thought:

I know it is no use. I was injured and treated in a separate room, so I know I cannot understand the situation here.

But even so, everyone, including Killua who had stopped thinking, was thinking, even though they knew it was unreasonable.

You can really read the atmosphere...

You might catch a cold from the difference in tension.