Chapter 52: Interlude: Killua's Answer

I was very helpless and lonely.

For some reason, Killua was so lonely and sad that day.

Things I had taken for granted until now... I was struck by a sense of loss, as if I had lost a part of my body, and loneliness tormented me.

The family and the Maid were the same as usual.

Everyone was there. Everyone was as usual. It should have been as usual, but my desperate loneliness, sadness, pain, and frustration...

I met her when I was at a loss, because my heart was filled with emotions I had never felt before.

A Maid of similar age to me came to greet me, which is rare in my house.

If it were truly as usual, Killua would have ignored this greeting and would not have remembered the other person's name.

I am sure he did not even notice that the opponent was a girl of similar age to him.

But that day, Killua was hopelessly lonely, and he could not help but want to fill the void in his chest.

So I said

Beg.

Ask.

I wish

Wanted.

"Be my friend."

Looking back now, I am surprised that I knew the word "friend" and its meaning.

That kind of thing is the least used and most meaningless word in this house.

It really has no meaning.

"I'm sorry, Master Killua."

A wish that can never be fulfilled.

A void that cannot be filled.

I don't remember Killua. I don't know.

Why was I so lonely that day?

I don't know what I lost.

However... this is what I know.

I only know that from this day on, I felt dissatisfied with the miniature garden called "Zoldyck," which was Killua's entire world.

As long as I am here, I cannot fill this void, but the "thing" I don't remember taught me.

I had a dream.

It was probably a dream from 5 years ago.

The day I first met Canary.

I dreamed of the day I realized I was trapped in a miniature garden called "Zoldyck."

For Killua, who finally turned 12 this year, it shouldn't be strange to feel that something that happened nearly half his life ago has become the past, but for some reason, it felt like it just happened recently.

Perhaps it is because the days I spent in this miniature garden were just a repeating routine.

Actually, it should have been less than a month, but I miss the Hunter Exam very much.

The memory is so clear, this scene seems to have happened a long time ago, yet it is so distant.

I thought it was desperate and distant.

... Until I got a cake from Kalluto with "Made for me by Sora!" written on it.

Until her mother told her that Gon and the others came specifically to find her.

It is still far away.

However, the anxiety I had been holding onto disappeared with their arrival, as warm as thawing ice.

Sora told me that what Killua did was "instinct, not nature," but even so, Killua still put his own life before Gon and Sora. I know this makes my heart ache; Gon despises me, disappoints me, and hates me.

Even so, if Gon comes to see me, and if he really still treats me as a "friend," then I can no longer give up on myself.

In front of his mother, speaking his true feelings would be dangerous for the three of them, including Sora, so he had to leave a message saying: "I can't see you now." It was like a declaration of war against this Zoldyck family.

No matter what I say, no matter how I bind myself, I will not give up.

This is the vow I made to leave this miniature garden.

Killua dreams.

At some point, dreams turn from the past into the future.

Laughing with the person you love, walking leisurely under the warm sun.

I see such dreams.

Even if I am not allowed to see it, no matter how many people block my path, I will continue to see the "dream" I decided not to let go of.

"Wake up!!"

... However, no matter what the Dream World is like, the dreams seen in sleep are unfortunately forced to end.

Killua's facial muscles could no longer withstand this level of pain, as he was already accustomed to the burning pain of the whip tearing his flesh.

But he still couldn't sleep, and Killua was woken up by this hysterical voice.

"Oh, good morning, brother, what time is it?"

A leisurely face, an expression and words that only felt like his quilt had been pulled off. In fact, for Killua, that level of blow was nothing.

Its durability is worthy of being the successor of Zoldyck, but of course, from the perspective of Miruki, who tortures Killua as a "punishment," he doesn't like it at all.

"Don't be angry, Kill."

Miruki placed a cigarette on his brother's chest; he breathed as if he were truly unhealthy. He said while reading with a stick.

"This is correct.

I am truly reflecting. I'm sorry. It's too bad, big brother."

"You're lying!!"

Of course, Illumi's slanderous remarks could not be taken seriously; Miruki swung a large whip, this time using all his strength to smash it into his brother's face.

But this still did not Eliminate Killua's room for maneuver.

Although Killua's hands and feet were both bound, he must have cut himself in the mouth when he was hit, spat out fresh blood, and chuckled.

"Do you understand?"

The brother's words made my blood boil, but the expression on the brother's face made Miruki retreat a step in a weird way.

I have always been rude to myself, but even after fighting back, I have never had such a mocking laugh.

Rather than looking down on oneself, not understanding one's own room for maneuver, and even less understanding the source of that room for maneuver, is unreachable for Killua.

Almost after this, Miruki found out the source of that room for maneuver.

But this had nothing to do with luck. On the contrary, it was a rather unfortunate event.

The phone rang.

The intruder who came to see Killua and Sora finally arrived near the Maid office.

Hearing this information, Miruki's face twisted with joy.

In order to make him remember the current tragedy, to make him realize his own position, and most importantly, to deprive Killua of his mysterious mouth.

"Kukuku, what will you do if you want to kill someone?

I triggered my brother's anger.

"Milky"

One of the Chains binding Killua loosened.

Just like tearing a cotton thread, he tore the Chain off by himself.

The meaning of this sentence is that although he does not respect him at all and belongs to the category of being disliked at home, he is a blood brother, so even if he is provoked, he is very enthusiastic.

"If you lay a hand on them, will you kill them?"

In a sense, I was able to get my wish, but at the same time, after being identified as an enemy by Killua, I could easily get rid of this kind of binding at any time.

More importantly, Zeno's stance of "because he is the big brother," being released from the cell by Zeno, was easily revealed to Miruki.

"Big brother, I have no regrets, but I still feel bad.

Killua said while breaking free from the Chains and shackles binding his limbs.

If Miruki didn't say anything superfluous, Killua wouldn't bother to say anything either; it was completely Miruki's own fault, but if he could accept this fact so easily and reflect on it, he would do his own thing. About two weeks ago. The Disaster where most of the collection was destroyed by Illumi would not have happened.

"Kill... because Silva is summoning."

"Father?

After hearing Zeno's message, as soon as Killua left the cell, Miruki slammed his whip against the floor to protest to Zeno.

However, Zeno looked coldly at his son and daughter-in-law's hysterical grandson, and then quietly explained the reason for responding to Killua in one sentence.

"Because he is special."

Surprisingly, Miruki did not refute.

When Zeno asked, "What do you think of Killua's ability?", his expression looked complicated, but he honestly admitted, "... It's too amazing."

Whether it is a biological brother or a relative, it is fatal for an Assassin to be unable to accurately measure the difference in ability with an opponent, so he seemed to admit this calmly and objectively.

"If it's just talent, isn't it the best in the history of the Zoldyck Family? Mom admits this, and I think so too.

But as an Assassin, he is not good. I am moody. Someone who makes friends cannot inherit the Zoldyck Family. In short, he is a coward mentally."

However, whether it was because he didn't like his younger brother, so the evaluation was harsh, or whether this evaluation had nothing to do with Miruki's personal feelings, Miruki declared that Killua "does not have the qualifications of an Assassin."

Once, Zeno looked at his grandson who gave such an evaluation from head to toe, and muttered a sentence.

"Hmm"

You are not hurt, Miruki.

The bloodlust that swelled up just before entering the cell, and the Chains he had already torn apart.

I don't know what he said, but even if I didn't see it, I knew that Miruki had angered Killua before I came, and he was angry because of that bloodlust.

However, if it were the Killua that Zeno knew until now, then Miruki would definitely not be safe.

In fact, he was involved in Killua's scandal of running away from home and was stabbed.

The Killua that Zeno knew had the best talent for killing, but perhaps because of his age, he was mentally unstable and hysterical, but at work, he could control his emotions better than Kikyo and Miruki, and was a child swayed by emotions.

For some reason, after returning from the Hunter Exam, my unstable emotions calmed down, and I was able to control my emotions to the point where I would give advice to the brothers who hated me first.

For a moment, he looked at his grandson, who was completely unaware of his younger brother's psychological growth, and because of that growth, he was not hurt by Killua's anger. He gave him a final nod.

"This is correct."

"Yeah. In this regard, if I get a request, I will eliminate anyone at any time.

By the way, this time the bomb is powerful, Zoldyck!! Super small, hits a female mosquito, and explodes the moment it sucks blood!!

The Firepower is still about the same as a firecracker, the problem is that the mosquito cannot identify the target."

"Sir. You are smart, but your stupidity is a flaw."

After all, he would not grow up in a super closed environment where he does not leave the house except for work and only interacts with family.

＊＊＊

I have something to say.

"Kill, have you made any friends?"

"……Yes"

However, in front of his father, he wanted to say something, but he could not say it.

Come to think of it, Killua did not remember having any parent-child conversations with his father.

When it comes to my mother and grandparents, I remember being spoiled, selfish, and rebellious. I don't know if it's a normal sibling relationship, but at least compared to the parent-child relationship with Silva, I feel that Illumi's relationship is closer to a normal sibling relationship.

I never hated my father.

I sincerely respect and admire him.

However, before I left home, I firmly believed that the relationship between me and my father was more accurately that of a teacher and student or a boss and subordinate, rather than a parent and child.

"What kind of people are they?"

"Anyway... it's fun when we are Together."

It wasn't that I was afraid to speak or participate.

Unlike Illumi, I can speak without any pressure, and I can easily affirm the existence of my friends.

"Really..."

But the conversation did not continue.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know if I could bring up meaningless topics like small talk.

"How was the exam?"

"Um... it was simple."

A conversation ending in one or two words.

Looking back, this situation has been going on for a long time.

The conversation between Silva and Killua cannot be called a conversation. It is just an Exchange of information and confirmation of the current situation.

I don't remember having any other conversations with them.

"..."

"..."

The awkward silence lasted for a few seconds, and Silva took a deep breath.

I don't know if it was a sigh, or what kind of emotion that sigh was.

"Kill... over here."

"Hmm?"

However, perhaps it was that sigh that let out what Silva had been holding in his heart; he looked straight at the son he resembled most and said:

"I want to hear your story."

Killua's eyes widened at his father's words.

I was scolded, just like Illumi told me during the exam, and I was prepared to completely deny my own hopes, but the words Silva told me were almost the exact opposite of what I imagined.

Silva gave a wry smile at his confused son, and he continued as if to ease Killua's tension.

"What you did in the exam, who you met, what you thought... anything is fine, tell me."

This was the first time I said something, let alone did something, as a father's "Suggestion" or "request," rather than an "order."

Killua may have recognized for the first time that the person in front of him was his "father."

Killua replied, "Yes." Then he sat down beside his father, both confused and happy.

It was just at the beginning, I didn't know what to say.

When I started talking about the time I happened to be with Sora on the airship, those memories and stories came out naturally one after another like water.

The rare trip to the exam site with Sora, meeting the three Gons, struggling at Trick Tower, complaining about Hanzo's trouble on Zebir Island, Gon's selfishness in the final exam, and Sora's greatest achievement: reading the air in class.

"—So, what do you think Sora said to Illumi?"

Killua used gestures to talk to his father.

It was a small revenge to deliberately pick up and reveal the parts of the story that I was sure Illumi had never told, which I had already heard from Illumi.

"'Who are you?!'

At that time, although I couldn't see it, I was surprised that I didn't remember the voices of those natural enemies running around."

"Is that so? That's why Illumi was in such a bad mood when he handed in many final exam reports..."

After all, that exchange was not worth mentioning at all; Illumi did not seem to report it to Silva, and Silva responded with an extremely indifferent look.

Killua was amused by his father's reaction and words, and said: "Big brother!"

"Kill."

Silva moved his gaze away from the distance and asked Killua again, and Killua happily recalled the happy times he spent with his friends.

"Do you want to see your friends?"

He stared straight at Killua with a pair of eyes that reminded him of a beast more ferocious than the pet dog lying beside his father.

His eyes were of a different kind, but just as terrifying as his big brother's.

Even now, this perception has not changed.

Killua answered.

"Yes."

Without hesitation, without hesitation, even though he was afraid, Killua answered with his back to his father.

"Father. I like my friends."

The words he wanted to say were finally expressed in language.

Although I had found them a long time ago, the words I didn't know how to say came out of my mouth in the most natural way.

When I treated the other person as my "father," I could speak so naturally without any tension.

When Killua spoke, he realized that if they were parent and child, it would be so easy.

"I know my parents care about me very much and have high expectations for me.

I understand the feeling of wanting me to take over and become an Assassin. If you know you have a talent, then I hope you walk a path that can fully utilize that talent."

Ever since I left Sora and Gon and the others, I have been thinking about "expectations as an heir" and "talent as an Assassin," which were seeds of resentment, and now I am able to think this way and accept it.

Of course, even now, I still think, "Do not impose your expectations on me." But, for example, if Gon said, "I want to become a Gourmet Hunter," Killua would certainly put his hand on Gon's shoulder and say, "Gon, you're tired. Rest for today. Go to sleep." When I said it again the next day, I saw him say, "You're still sleeping. Wake up."

It is, of course, wrong to say "I have no talent" for things I want to do or "I have talent" for things I don't want to do in order to oppose or force things, but if I knew it was too obvious, I would very much like to say so. I am able to imagine how I feel.

So, if my mother asked me to be the heir, I would be angry, but I would feel nothing but annoyance.

For Killua, the words "You have no other value in existing" are like a Curse, and being able to identify them as merely redundant meddling means those words no longer mean anything, and are not just words. Nothing.

So even though he accepted it, Killua denied it.

"But, Father, I don't like it like this.

I feel that being Together with Gon would be very fun. I saw Sora and thought it was amazing. I want to live like the two of you. I want to live with them.

I don't want to have relationships with anyone other than my family, not trust anyone, and live by killing. Just like Gon and Sora, I want to trust many people, let them trust me, and then live while laughing."

Killua denies his own way of life, that is, this way of life of the "Zoldyck," and asks for the answer he has chosen, which world he wants to live in.

"Father. I respect him. I look up to him.

But I can no longer walk the same path as Father. I am grateful for everything Father taught me, and I want to use that in my life. But I don't want to use this to kill people; I want to use it to protect someone and let them live.

I am not trying to deny the history of the house or the work of the house. We are not righteous, but we still think this is a necessary job.... But even so, I still hate it.

I am selfish, but I don't like it. Here, I am no longer the "me" my father wanted. This is a doll my father made.

I want to live as myself, as a person named Killua."

I fully understand that I am protected by this house and that I am loved by my family.

After understanding, knowing how childish and selfish his words are, I still hope he at least knows, and I hope he correctly understands what I want without misunderstanding, Killua says.

Swelling up while thinking to himself, he closed his eyes, covered his ears, and ran away.

Silva listened silently to that answer until the end, lowered his eyes, reached out to rub his brow, and took a deep breath.

Killua was puzzled by his father's reaction and shouted, "Father?"

"... Sorry. I heard that children grow up much faster than parents imagine, but this much?"

Killua was stunned by his father's words, which he had never heard before, as if he were moved, and as if he were regretting something.

Moving his hand away from his face and lifting his slightly lowered head, Silva smiled bitterly at Killua, who did not understand the current situation.

"When I think about it... being father and son with you, I have never spoken to you like that.

Muttering Killua's own feelings and thoughts, Silva's rock-like large hand reached toward Killua's head.

"Just as I was raised as an Assassin by my parents, I forced you to do the same.

You and I are different... I didn't realize such a simple thing until you left... Really.... Even if I did this, do you still respect me and look up to me..."

Silva's hand stroked Killua's head, his only son who inherited his silver hair, as if stirring it.

Killua felt the warmth and comfort of his hand, "about the same as Sora." Thinking about it, I felt a bit ironic about that impression.

I realized that it is normal for the hand and head being stroked by Sora to feel "like my father."

This is not the first time I have been touched on the head by Silva. However, what made me realize the comfort of a hand stroking my head is someone who has no blood relation to me and should not be my family.

To this extent, he realized that until now, he and his father were far apart.

The same is true for Silva.

He put his hand on his son's head and told him again.

"You are my son. But you are you."

Based solely on blood, he reaffirmed the relationship between himself and Killua, which he had never thought of before, while affirming Killua's answer.

"Live the way you like."

I desperately pressed Killua to live the way he wanted.

"You can always come back when you're tired. Hmm...?"

Pushing your back, telling your son to decide to fly away from this miniature garden.

Just because you took off, you don't have to keep flying until you use up all your strength, or until you can't fly and crash. If you are tired, you can rest your wings at any time.

I told my son, who had already passed his childhood, this was the last, only, and greatest affection a parent could have.

Then asked as a final confirmation.

"I will ask again. Do you want to see your friends?"

The same question as the first one.

The answer was obvious.

"Yes!!"

Killua nodded harder than the first question, and Silva nodded in response.

"Alright. You are free now... but swear one thing."

But in the end, let Killua swear one thing.

He bit the tip of his thumb, saw the blood, then extended his Finger toward him, looking straight at Killua with beast-like eyes and asking.

"Never betray your friends. Good."

Killua responded to this oath quickly.

Biting your thumb in the same way, letting them bleed, then pressing your thumbs against each other to make a firm oath.

"I swear. I will not betray them. Never!"

Exchange of oaths.

I don't know Killua.

The person who exchanged this oath is no longer "Killua's father."

Killua did not know that this was a Contract he had signed with the "Head of the Zoldyck Family."

Children grow faster than their parents imagine.

However, this is much slower than the children themselves imagine.

Killua is pitifully still a "child."

"What on earth are you thinking!? You and the father-in-law!!

Thanks to Illumi, the killing has returned!!"

As expected, Silva was as weary as usual of his wife's hysterical words, while simultaneously retorting with annoyance.

"Let me love you for a while."

"No, what are you saying!? Now is the most important moment to see if Killua can become a worthy successor!!"

Silva's words were countered by a sharp, piercing scream, but if he were to break this level of hysteria, the head of the Zoldyck Family would be unable to take action.

He smiled fearlessly and gave an order.

"You know, don't you?"

Kikyo looked like a wife afraid of her husband, obsessed with the prosperity and flourishing of the Zoldyck Family due to her obsession with Silva, and became speechless as her husband insisted and she obediently shut her mouth.

Silva chuckled softly, muttering to himself, wondering if he had noticed his wife's unexpectedly cute reaction.

"Someday I will return."

Everything Silva said to Killua was true.

I thought I had grown up. I felt happy about my son's growth, but I also felt somewhat lonely.

Although he denied his path as an Assassin, I was truly happy that he respected and admired me.

My son and I are completely different people. This made me realize that even if we receive the same education, we will not grow up in the same way, nor will we always have the same tastes and goals.

... Like himself and his other sons, Silva decided that being locked in this house was not conducive to developing Killua's talent.

I did not give up.

If this were a talent that could be given up so easily, he would have returned the heir to his eldest son, Illumi, when he ran away from home.

Not only is he gifted, but Killua can also become the reins for that "thing"... the mysterious monster lurking within "Arka," which the Zoldyck Family has sealed deep underground.

Killua is an existence that cannot be separated from it.

As a father, there were no lies in the words and thoughts that pushed me to "live as you please."

However, Silva is a person who, before being "Killua's father," undoubtedly or unsatisfactorily considers himself the "Head of the Zoldyck Family."

The "living as you please" he spoke of was naturally premised on "as long as it does not cause them trouble, in a way that is beneficial to the Zoldyck Family."

I did not lie, but Silva realized from the beginning that his view of Killua formed a sharp contrast, yet he deliberately ignored it.

I knew that if I pointed out that misunderstanding, Killua would be completely disappointed in this house and would never return, so I dared not speak it out.

The reason I allowed him to leave home and let him like me for a while was because Killua was clearly developing in a good direction.

It is a pity that I have already begun to hate killing, but I had this tendency from the beginning, so there is no help for it.

Fortunately for Silva, since forgetting Arka, the emotional instability that had persisted had stabilized, and he was able to control his emotions, and his vision had broadened.

Of course, Gon and other friends had the greatest influence on him, but the greatest was that Death God of the blue sky, who affirmed, accepted, and supported everything, regardless of whether he was dry or charitable.

From Illumi's reports and Killua's stories, it can be seen that Sora likes Killua.

Silva only breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Kikyo also declare, "Killua's enemy is my enemy, without exception."

If I hand him over to her, she will not easily go out and die.

Moreover, from her values, she does not completely deny killing. They will never lead Killua in the direction they want, but they know from the Kalluto incident that it is impossible to actively lead them in an inconvenient direction.

It is not hard to imagine if Sora had not actively induced Killua to break that "oath," the "oath" he exchanged with Silva.

I had no choice but to do so.

Because of the thin Needle planted by Illumi, Killua placed his own life before his friends.

Killua was completely unaware, brainwashed to the point of not depriving Killua of his self-consciousness, the effect was extremely weak, but the order of the Needle was to appeal to the survival instinct.

No matter how good a hypnotist is, unless they have suicidal tendencies, it is impossible to hypnotize them by asking them to commit suicide. No matter how much you force your mind to do something you don't really want to do, your mind or body will strongly reject it.

This is why, conversely, the order of "never die" can show great effects even under weak aura.

According to Sora, this further enhances the instinct of Deterrence, so people with Nen Ability cannot compete with a boy without abilities.

So Silva was deeply convinced.

Killua always betrays his friends and puts his own life first, just like in the final exam.

And because of Killua's respect and admiration for his father Silva, even if such a Silva sent him away, he believed in him, so he felt guilty because he could not keep his oath, and it is easy to imagine that he would be tied up and return in disappointment.

Although the direction is different from everyone in the house, Silva feels that the most similar thing between him and Killua is that they have a sense of responsibility due to their high pride.

A little worrying is Sora's ability to kill even the thoughts of the dead, but Sora's annihilation did not invalidate the Nen Ability, nor did it remove the already hung Nen, but completely destroyed and killed it.

Declaring to protect Killua, she decided that even if she perceived the existence of the Needle stuck in Killua's brain, it was too weak to remove or even destroy.

First of all, if Killua could notice and remove it, his Needle would have already been removed during the Hunter Exam, so Silva was convinced that this idea was extremely unlikely.

It is possible that she would recognize him as an enemy, but that Needle was only to increase Killua's survival chances, so there was no excuse.

Of course, she had no reason not to realize this was an excuse, but indeed, the order given was rooted in love as a family, as a parent who did not want Killua to die.

This is why she could not complain even if she felt unsatisfied. Silva knew from her interaction with Illumi that her own desire to survive was not enough to complain about it.

Thinking of this, Silva smiled and said everything was going smoothly.

When Killua ran away from home, his head ached, but things developed in a direction so convenient for Silva, making him smile and mutter to himself in a good mood.

"Because he is my child."

That smile was like the creature known as the "Magician" that exists in a distant world.

It was interesting to write Mr. Silva as a seed.

I feel that the essence of Silva is probably very close to Toki.

As a parent, I certainly have sincere feelings, but I believe that Silva is a "head of an Assassin family" before being a "parent," just as Toki is a "Magician" before being a "parent."