Chapter 3: Qiongenxuenuo

He had come to the Wall to say goodbye to his family in Winterfell for several days. This place was indeed as his sister warned, no longer a place of honor, but a black gang filled with rapists, poachers, murderers, and thieves. During the day, he was humiliated by Ser Alliser Thorne and a group of black brothers. Other more unbearable insults like "bastard" and "Lord Snow" lingered in his ears. They perhaps felt this was expressing closeness.

Even in the combat he was best at, he couldn't feel happiness and honor. During combat, even if he won, he didn't get any praise. The companions who joined the Night's Watch almost at the same time as him were hostile to him, and outside of training tasks, he had to be arranged to handle various chores: chopping wood, taking care of horses, reporting news, cleaning up. In short, he hated this place now. This was not a place to obtain honor, and these, his father, Eddard Stark, had never mentioned to him. Thinking of this, the night was even colder.

Perhaps the only one who truly loved him and truly cared about him was his sister, that twin sister of the same father and mother. He closed his eyes in this darkness, almost able to hear the breathing of the black brothers, deep or shallow, hearing the whistling of the wind. He should find an empty tower to sleep alone, he thought. He cast these aside, couldn't help but recall the days in Winterfell.

In Lady Stark's home, in her castle, he was always an outsider. Although Robb and Arya always regarded him as a brother, he felt more and more separated from this family, especially when his sister was not there, this feeling was particularly strong.

Was she also because she couldn't bear this atmosphere that she chose to leave?

If possible, he hoped never to face Lady Stark in Winterfell, but this point often couldn't be as wished, making people feel painful. That was a pair of eyes with swords, and he had long been cut to pieces. Compared to obtaining honor, perhaps he wanted to escape more. Perhaps his sister never cared about this feeling, but he couldn't do it.

He recalled the time his sister returned safely from overseas, and how happy he had been; he had even wanted to stand on the towers of Winterfell and shout aloud. In the whole world, she was the only blood relative who shared his entire lineage, one who could traverse time and distance. The day she returned to Winterfell, he had been out hunting with his father and Robb. When the hunt ended, he abandoned them, secretly told Hulun, and spurred his horse to ride ahead, stubbornly insisting on being the first among them to see her. He could not bear to wait on the sidelines while she embraced their father and Robb, and he was even more afraid that he would burst into tears upon seeing her, making his father and brothers laugh at him. There were some things he could not share with anyone but this sister, things he had to bear silently alone. He had thought he would pour his heart out to her as he used to when he saw her, but when she was right before his eyes, he could say nothing at all. She was clearly already a great lord, while he was just a greenhorn using a training sword.

People say bastards grow fast, but the reality is that bastard daughters grow faster. In just these few years, his sister was completely not the big girl she used to be. She was now a mature and capable woman, a tall, beautiful, and heroic female knight, the Queen of "Love and Beauty" who crowned herself unprecedentedly, but no matter what, she was his sister. As a younger brother, he hated the eyes of the group of mercenaries, soldiers, and officers around her, hated them finding opportunities to surround her and chatter all the time.

He also remembered the scene of seeing her again in Winterfell. When he saw her, he wanted to rush over and hug her like he hugged Arya, but when this brand-new sister was in front of him, he suddenly hesitated, the whole person in the embarrassment of being unable to advance or retreat. But when his sister saw him, she ran out of the crowd and hugged him tightly, who was at a loss. Ha, what a beautiful hug, this moving moment filled the void in his heart that had been cut to pieces. He should have let his emotions wander and flow, but most of the time in that hug was used by him to block his tears. He was moved to tears, and also aggrieved. Endless suffering that no one could tell echoed in his heart. If it weren't for so many eyes watching them, he would definitely have cried bitterly. At that moment, he was no longer the look of being abandoned by the whole world.

Was she really just a sister? At that time, he even thought he was being held by his mother. Since that day, the face of his mother in his dreams was no longer blurry. She had long, smooth black hair, a beautiful face, and gentle eyes with Northern wildness, smiling kindly at him. He knew this was imagining his mother according to his sister's appearance. Perhaps they should have been like this.

When she was younger, her figure was really too small to make people think of the outside, but at other times, she was playing the role of his mother. He found that he was so slow to realize.

He remembered that when she was very young, she taught Robb and him, telling them how to train to meet the requirements of Master-at-Arms Rodrik, teaching them how to draw a bow and shoot an arrow, how to adjust their posture to make the horse run faster. More often, she also supervised and urged Robb and him on how to read and write, dictate and recite. Both he and Robb hated this matter. He always thought it was the instruction of his father and Lady Stark, and he and Robb hated her together. When they were bigger, she ravaged him and Robb in the school grounds, and occasionally had to add Theon. Master-at-Arms Rodrik was ashamed to watch every time. He and Robb tried various tricks to defeat her, but never succeeded. It seemed that the whole childhood ended in this kind of shared hatred and accepting her literary and military education.

When they were bigger, his sister started to incite him to leave Winterfell together and go to the South. He was sure that her brain was still normal, and she didn't try to abduct Robb. At that time, he was still in a state of resistance and didn't want to pay attention to her nonsense. She thought he was afraid, and said confidently, "Don't be afraid, I will protect you, there will be no danger."

Although she was superior in every aspect of the tourney, learning, etc., even in projects that were not prominent, he knew she was hiding her clumsiness, but he was still deeply shocked by her recklessness. He forgot the specific reason for refusal. Was it pure resistance, or not wanting to drag her down, or the fear of walking out of Winterfell, or both? In short, after her requests were rejected several times, she disappeared on a certain morning when everyone was busy. It was only three days later that people found her note in her study.

A simple sentence, "I want to walk around, don't look for me." But the reality was, "I want to go to sea to see, keep it secret." He worked hard to keep her secret, and secretly worried for her. He didn't reveal her whereabouts to his father and Lady Stark. He didn't betray his sister; at least he did this point.

Perhaps I should have followed her to King's Landing, followed her to sail on the sea, go to the Far East, be as spirited as her subordinates, and let Robb be surprised. This was the first time he refused her invitation, and the harvest was regret. But soon he refused for the second time.

This time she said she wanted to create a new family with the power in her hand. She had even designed the family's emblem and the family's house words. She told him that she would never marry, nor would she have children. He would be her only heir.

People knew she had more than thirty longships, but in reality, there were more. She had multiple industries in the Free Cities. Relying on this power, whether it was building her own castle or being granted a territory, it was easy for her. This was clearly a very easy goal to achieve. At least she didn't throw it to him again.

Thinking of the answer at that time, he was ashamed. Even in this dark night, his face was still hot. "No, I want to prove myself with my own strength. I want to join the Night's Watch. At the Wall, use my own strength, use my own life to obtain honor." This was the answer he gave her.

And his sister heard this, just patiently explained to him, repeatedly explained to him, that his strength could be used in other places, and his honor could also be obtained in other ways. He could also marry and have children, could be respected, but he just listened like an old man nagging, stubbornly and foolishly insisting.

What exactly am I insisting on?

"You don't understand anything, Qiongenxuenuo." She was helpless, seemingly compromised.

He felt his breathing become rapid, opened his eyes, let the memories of Winterfell dissipate. The cold wind whistled outside the window, the black brothers beside him had already entered dreams, perhaps not sweet, but already calm. He was full of thoughts, unable to sleep, wanted to roll over, but was afraid of waking someone up, disturbing his loneliness, so he had to keep his posture unchanged. He quietly listened to the wind outside the room.

The cold wind whistled as if pulling him to sing constantly:

"The night is deep, the child sinks into a dream.

Why don't you sleep yet? I miss my distant hometown.

The night is deep, the crescent moon hides in the mountain ridge.

Why don't you sleep yet? I miss my deceased mother.

The night is deep, the earth sinks into vastness.

Why don't you sleep yet? My path ahead is vast, the cold wind whistles for me to talk about desolation."

He closed his eyes, tears were pushed out, sliding down the corners of his eyes. He took a deep breath to prevent sobbing. Unable to sleep, he could only recall, calming the endless wind and thoughts.

He remembered his third refusal. He saw his sister's rare loss of composure, and also saw his own childish anger. That was the night before he was about to leave Winterfell with his uncle Benjen Stark to the Wall.

That night, she found him again. "Don't go to the Wall, don't join the Night's Watch, follow me, or go to sea, or go south, or be a wandering knight, all are fine. You want to see the Wall, I can accompany you, you want to see which city in Westeros, we can all go together, you want to see Essos, there are also many cities there, we can all go to see. Anyway, don't join the Night's Watch, follow me." She didn't mention any family, any emblem, any house words, nor did she say any honor.

She didn't mention these, perhaps because she thought those words were too high-postured and damaged his dignity. Perhaps there were, perhaps not, but she had done everything. Recalling to here, he was ashamed again, even in this dark house, his hot face could prove it. "I have already told my father that I want to join the Night's Watch. My father said the Night's Watch is an honorable position. I told Uncle Benjen that I want to go to the Wall, and he also agreed. Several Night's Watchmen waited for me for a few days because of this. I will not take back what I said to them."

"They are not heart trees, and you are not swearing to them. They waited for a few days, I will give them a few more gold dragons, I believe they are still willing to wait longer. Jon, the Night's Watch doesn't lack you, follow me. The one who needs you is me, is your sister, is your blood relative, not the cold Wall, not the Night's Watch in black. I need your strength, need your assistance, and also need your support, brother." Jon remembered that when she said this, the back of her hand was already on his face, warm as jade.

She had her own guard, had her own power, how could she need a childish younger brother? This was just another saying of taking care of him. He should have thought of this at the time, but what came to his mouth was another set of words. "Yes, it's all what you need, but do you know what I need, do you know what I long for? You have understood everything since you were small, you are not afraid of anything, you are brave in everything you do, but I am different, I am just an ordinary person, a stupid boy, a, a bastard without a mother." He didn't know why he was angry, but this memory had made him shy, fortunately, the house was pitch black, only his hot face could prove it.

"Honor, ability, achievement, I know, the knight's sword of a little boy, the princess dream of a little girl. However, the Wall, it cannot bring you honor, it can only bring you shackles. There, ice and snow will bury you, mountains and forests will swallow you, poets will not sing for you, they will not remember you."

When he heard the words "little boy," he had already started to be angry, and the later parts were not heard clearly at all.

"In your eyes, I have always been a little boy! I tell you, I am not a little boy, I am an adult who can decide my own future. Even if poets won't remember me, the North will not forget, the Old Gods are watching. I will never follow you to be blindly busy! How many ships, how much gold, show off as you please, how many people, mobilize as you please. You go do your magical witch, I know, my path is towards the North, my honor can only be in the endless ice and snow." He didn't know if the Old Gods were watching, but when he said this, he actually thought he said it very well.

"Witch?" He didn't dare to look at her eyes. Witch shouldn't be a title for his sister, "I advise you not to go to the Wall, is it to destroy your honor? Are you so sure that following me will damage your honor? What I want to do will never bury you, brother!"

The defense seemed weak. He remembered the dizziness at that time, "I can't think of anything more honorable than protecting the Seven Kingdoms, sister, I have already made up my mind, I have already expressed my ambition to my father and uncle, I will not give up because of a little advice, sister!"

She was silent for a long time, as if weighing her words, and as if judging the truth of his words. He thought it was the latter at the time, which strengthened his attitude at the time, "Perhaps wearing black and protecting the Seven Kingdoms is an honorable thing, but your strength can definitely contribute in other aspects. Believe me, believe your sister, there will be other honors that are not inferior to the Night's Watch waiting for you!"

"Is it robbing ships on the sea, defrauding merchants in the Free Cities, or learning exotic magic, teaching strange sword skills?" He stabbed her with a knife.

"You think I am a monster?" She was laughed at by anger.

Her forehead was smooth, her appearance was handsome and heroic, far from a monster. "I have heard some rumors. But I know you are not the kind of..."

"Evil witch?" She added the words he couldn't say, "Jon, I want you to choose me, not ice and snow."

"I choose honor, sister. I will not follow you!" The words were already said, just like the snow falling from the sky, its destination could only be the earth.

"Well, to avoid staining you, get out, go find your bullshit honor, bastard!" He didn't look at how she left.

He remembered how weak and dizzy he was that night. Language was like a blade, and he had been cut by the blade repeatedly, painful to the heart. That night was just like this night, unable to sleep.

He remembered the next morning, he went to say goodbye to Lady Stark, Robb, Bran, and Arya, but he couldn't summon the courage to say goodbye to his sister. He also knew that this departure might be a farewell forever. He went to the Wall, which was the polar region of the North, and she, might go to the warm place in the South, the other side of the sea, and finally might marry in the South, marry into a foreign land, and finally have children. She would have her own children, her own territory, her own career, and her own goals. And he was just an insignificant member of her life. Perhaps before she died in her palace, he was just a naughty and arrogant stupid younger brother in her life.

He parted with his father at the intersection, and his father didn't respond to his concern for his mother. He stepped on the journey north in loss and pain, silently saying goodbye to his sister in his heart. Along the way, he didn't want to say a word, as if he had left his soul in the night before. He remembered the weather at that time, fog filled the air, gathered on the hills, blocked the vision, just like the chaotic memories of that night, making him unable to sort out.

Just as he was lost, depressed, and unhappy, the sound of galloping hooves came from behind. Under his uncle's reminder, he turned his head and realized that the person coming was his sister.

On the horse, he could hold back his tears. But the north wind whistled in the middle of the night, and recalling to here, tears quietly soaked the pillowcase.

After dismounting, she looked at him, and didn't say a word for a long time. He also had difficulty speaking, as if the whole world was frozen at that moment. Finally, when her finger stepped on his face and pulled away a strand of black hair, she opened her mouth, as if using an absurd story to resolve the previous disharmony.

"When the dragon kings of Valyria ruled the world, they didn't step into Westeros for a step. The Targaryens occupied Dragonstone for a hundred years, and also didn't invade Westeros for an inch of land. Sometimes I guess, the reason why they didn't do so was not because Westeros was too desolate, but perhaps the gods or mysterious forces of Westeros were too strong. The legends may not be entirely groundless, but the Wall will never stand there simply because of defending wildlings."

She drew her sword.

"This is a Valyrian steel sword, originally intended to be passed down as a family sword for you, to be handed over to your son, and then to your grandson." She laughed at herself, "This was found on a pirate ship. I named it 'Light and Heat.' To me, it is too huge, it is a giant bastard sword. When you are older and have a taller figure, it will be very suitable for you, bastard." This time, both laughed. But he could still see her loss.

"Everyone knows that Valyrian steel has magical power. If you really encounter the spirits and monsters in Old Nan's stories at the Wall, it should be able to play a role."

"When I calmly untie it and use it to fight, I fear the spirits and monsters have already killed me." He tried to refuse. If he died in the wild, he would lose this treasure. Waymar Royce went and never returned, and he would be the same.

He tried this giant sword, light and convenient, not as heavy as expected.

"Did you think I hadn't considered it?" This time she took out the dagger hidden at her side.

Dragon bone as the hilt, Valyrian steel as the blade.

She untied the sword bag from her body, passed it through his heavy cloak, tied it around his waist, fastened it, and then inserted the dagger into the sheath, hung the long Light and Heat, and carefully tidied his inner and outer clothes for him, like a mother sending her son to an unknown battlefield. After doing this, she looked at him deeply, and then there were no more words. Then she turned and got on the horse, galloping away.

He stood still, watching the figure disappear into the vast wilderness.

This time he didn't hold back. He bit his arm and cried silently in the middle of the night.

He didn't know how he fell asleep that night.

Waking up early, Ghost was on the side, he felt tired. He was surprised that the more his sister urged him to stay away from the Night's Watch, the more the invisible force pushed him towards the Wall.

No matter how difficult, dark, and cold the future is, I will stand firm here. May the Old Gods guide the path for my future, may the Old Gods bring me wisdom, I will stand firm here, until death.

He dressed neatly, walked out of the corridor, along the winding and slippery snow path, thinking about how to prepare suitable food for Ghost, while thinking about how to break the dilemma. Find the problem and then solve it—this was the way of thinking he had been instilled with since he was small.

"I heard you are not doing well here?" A familiar voice came. Jon looked at this little Lannister and relaxed.

"Lannister, I didn't expect you to be here. Yes, I know I will always guard here, but I don't know what to do, Donal Noye told me some principles, but I..." He didn't know why he started to confide in him, and directly said his doubts.

"Oh, stop it. No one wants to hear you nag. I have my own troubles," Tyrion interrupted him, "I just wanted to say hello simply."

Hearing this, he didn't know where the courage came from, and decided not to give up, "Maester Aemon said you are a wise person, I want to ask you..."

"Oh, Qiongenxuenuo, you really don't understand anything. Difficulties are like monsters. When you encounter a monster, you should hide behind a giant and let him solve it." He said in his usual tone, "But you came to find me, a little person, just making me suspect that you want to use the little person to feed the monster first, and then escape calmly."

Perhaps he really shouldn't. But this metaphor made him feel funny, "Little people also have huge shadows, who said I can't hide behind you."

"I have to say, I'm starting to like you a little," he changed his posture, "Don't know how to start, how to exert your strength? Kid, since you are asking a little dwarf, then the dwarf will give you a not-so-high-minded suggestion." Tyrion interrupted him, and then leaned sideways against the beam, a little new snow fell from the top, he didn't notice it at all, "The new recruit instructor Alliser Thorne is a low-energy person, gnashing his teeth for more than ten years, only saying stupid things that bring bad luck. I see, the job suitable for him is shoveling shit, not being a new recruit instructor. What I see is that every new recruit hates him. If he continues to stay at the Wall for more than ten years, I fear no one will like him. In fact, he has indeed stayed here for more than ten years. If I were you, I would take over the work he didn't do well. In Winterfell, I think your sword skills and archery wouldn't be rusty. This is enough to be a teacher for these new recruits who have never touched weapons. If every new recruit likes you, then decades later, everyone will like you. Perhaps by this, you will become the next Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, won't you?"

Jon quickly understood his meaning. He had fought with all the new recruits. As far as he knew, some people had received long training, but even the most basic sword-holding posture was wrong, and other skills that should be there were a mess. It could only be said that Ser Alliser Thorne had no intention of teaching at all; he was just mocking everyone at will. If he took over this work, he could indeed do better than him. And, as long as he offered to help those new brothers, they would be happy to accept it, not to mention, this was beneficial to the Night's Watch itself.

Do the right thing.

"Thank you, Lannister, I know what to do." He thanked him sincerely. Lannister himself shrugged, with an expression of non-committal.

"Lord Snow, now I know you are your sister's brother." Lannister shook and swayed down the stairs along the corridor. At this moment, he was even shorter, "Your sister is excellent in everything she does, but I found that you learn faster. On this point, perhaps it makes people believe that you are really born of the same mother. Heh, just like my old brother and old sister, one is arrogant and wild, one is stupid and vicious, simply a match made in heaven." Tyrion kicked a snowball at his feet, as if that was his old brother and old sister.

"I don't know what you mean." He didn't know what Tyrion meant, but being mentioned with his sister, he felt very happy in his heart, even though this comparison was funny and inferior.

"Nothing, Jon old brother, I saw you and your old sister parting at the intersection. After she left, we all thought you were petrified. Believe me, even if you are not real siblings, you are. If my sister treated me like this, I would be willing to be a dwarf in my next life. Maybe." Tyrion breathed hard, as if the weather in the morning at Castle Black had frozen him.

Jon didn't want to discuss his sister's affairs with him, but sometimes it was not something he could control.

"I heard that among your brothers and sisters, everyone has a wolf, only your sister doesn't?"

This was another story. When he discovered the wolf cubs, he wanted to give the white wolf he found to Mei, after all, she was also a Stark. The wolf itself should be Mei Stark's, not his Qiongenxuenuo's. But he didn't expect his sister just picked it up and looked at Ghost and refused. "This is a male wolf, you raise it."

According to what he told his father, the direwolf was his father's emblem and should be raised by them. When he found there were only five wolf cubs, he remembered the bitterness at that time, deeply feeling the regret for his sister. But when he picked up Ghost, only the regret for himself remained. In the dark, fate had arranged a wolf for every Stark child.

"Ghost is our shared wolf, but she is already fierce enough, no need for a wolf by her side." Jon laughed. A pair of twins, only one wolf can be shared. This is the true meaning of half-children. The gods are realistic and cruel.

"That's true. My brother praised her sword skills, saying her sword is both fast and accurate, her sword moves are like an antelope hanging its horns, without a trace, she is a very difficult opponent."

She also mastered magic, but there was no need to say this. "When she was very young, she practiced with Theon, who was bigger, and later it was me, Robb, and Theon who practiced with her together. Ser Rodrik was always ashamed to watch." Jon smiled bitterly.

"

As he had told his father, the direwolf was their father's sigil, and they should be the ones to raise them. When he discovered there were only five pups, he remembered the bitterness he felt then, deeply regretting it for his sister's sake, but when he picked up Ghost, only regret for himself remained. In the mysterious workings of fate, a wolf had been arranged for every Stark child.

"Ghost is our shared wolf, but she is already fierce enough; she doesn't need a wolf by her side," Jon laughed. A pair of twins could only share one wolf. This was the true meaning of being a bastard; the gods were realistic and cruel.

"That's true. My brother praised her swordsmanship, saying her blade was both fast and accurate, her sword moves like an antelope hanging by its horns—trace-less—making her a truly difficult opponent."

She also mastered magic, but there was no need to say that. "When she was very young, she sparred with the older Theon, and later, the three of us—Robb, Theon, and I—would spar with her together. Ser Rodrik was always embarrassed to watch," Jon said with a wry smile.

"It seems my brother's defeat was not unjust. Haha, this has provided me with happiness for a long time," Tyrion laughed.

"Do you want to see your own brother lose face that much?"

"I just hope he becomes better. If there is anything that can make him put away his arrogant nature, what does a little loss of face matter? Seeing him lose face more often, and gaining my own happiness in the bargain, is truly a good deal." He wrapped his coat tighter. "It is truly cold enough here to chill the heart. Let's hurry to the hall and eat some freshly baked bread; if there is mutton stew, we might as well have a bowl."

"Haha, then let's go." Jon, his questions resolved, walked behind him, following carefully toward the hall.

Crossing the porch, at that moment, the sunlight happened to pass through the clouds and spill onto the Wall. Both were stunned by the scene before them.

They were not before the Wall, but before a massive crystal of blue ice. In this sunlight, the ice stretched across heaven and earth, shimmering and brilliant, as if the ancient gods, ghosts, and monsters that had passed with time were all drifting within the ice, recounting their past greatness and their present unwillingness to fade. Though it was not night, he believed that the ancient spirits and strange creatures of Old Nan's tales might always be there.

He gripped the longsword at his waist.