Chapter 45: [The Exploding Dog-licker]

The fence facing the forest had been chewed open, several iron bars, originally as thick as a thumb, snapped clean through.

A massive, grinding-stone-sized figure lay sprawled on the grass in the courtyard!

The old turtle panted heavily, its heart brimming with rage!

You wicked bastard! I’ve trudged for days just to reach this place!

I want to see who this wicked scoundrel is, recklessly casting spells here, stealing the mountain’s primordial energy and ruining my cultivation!

If I don’t give you a harsh lesson, how can I erase the bitterness of all these days of travel!

Suddenly, the house door opened, and a figure swept in like a gust of wind.

“Hmph, so you’ve finally shown yourself!” The old turtle’s heart leapt with joy, and it roared: “Wicked scoundrel!”

The figure had already surged forward like a whirlwind, right before its eyes!

The old turtle’s heart lurched in terror—it was a cultivated spirit beast, its eyes naturally endowed with the ability to perceive qi, and it sensed the incoming figure’s entire body pulsing with primordial energy like an endless, roaring ocean…

Under that overwhelming pressure, the old turtle felt its breath stall; before it could speak, a soft voice spoke.

“You’re the wicked scoundrel!”

Gu Xiaoniang was done! Her small face froze with ice, and she kicked out!

Hum!

The old turtle felt a deafening ring in its ears, then a colossal force slammed into it—it let out a shriek, its grinding-stone-sized body lifted clean off the ground, spinning seven or eight times through the air… before crashing into several blue stone slabs lining the courtyard’s edge.

The blue stone slabs shattered instantly, and the old turtle’s grinding-stone-sized body became wedged right in the middle!

The impact jolted its internal organs out of place; its head spun, its qi churned wildly, and its dantian’s primordial energy nearly scattered outright!

It nearly choked on its own breath.

Just as it struggled to rise, the figure leapt forward, and a foot clad in a white sneaker planted squarely on its shell.

The old turtle felt as if a mountain had crushed it—it cried out in agony, its limbs went limp, and it collapsed onto the ground, utterly paralyzed.

Gu Xiaoniang’s eyes glinted like lightning as she stared at it, yet her voice remained sweet and soft: “Try calling me that again?”

The old turtle blinked its eyelids, fixing its gaze on the girl—suddenly, it nearly rolled its eyes back, its soul nearly fled its body, terror flooding its mind!

【Heavenly Human Realm?】

All defiance vanished instantly; its limbs and head retracted fully into its shell, and with all its remaining strength, it screamed: “Immortal, spare my life!!”

Gu Xiaoniang snorted coldly and withdrew the foot she’d been about to kick with.

The old turtle dared not move inside its shell, its voice trembling as it shouted with all its might: “Immortal above! Your humble turtle has blind eyes and has offended you! Please, mercy! I am but a lowly cultivator, my path hard-won—forgive me this one time!”

Shuowan ， Lianggeqianzhicongguikelitanchulai ， Nulideshenzhihelong ， Pinmingzuoyi 。

Gu Xiaoniang’s face darkened: “Are you the guardian spirit beast of this house?”

“Huh?”

The old turtle’s mind raced through seven or eight thoughts at once, and it shouted quickly: “No, no! I am a hermit from the mountains!”

Gu Xiaoniang made a surprised sound: “Not the guardian spirit beast? Then why were you just cursing me?”

“I, I, I… I came to seek the master of this house, uh…” The old turtle’s head was tucked inside its shell, blinking its eyes out.

How do I explain this?

If I say I came to cause trouble, what if this Heavenly Human is a friend of the master? Won’t I get beaten again?

But if I don’t tell the truth… should I say I’m a friend of the master?

Yes!

“S, Small Turtle is the neighbor of the master here. I cultivate in the mountains, and I have a very, very good relationship with the master—we interact often! We’re family, family…”

Gu Xiaoniang’s expression darkened further: “A friend of the Chen family? Very good relationship, frequent visits? Associating with Chen scoundrels makes you no better than them!”

Crack!

Another foot stomped down, crushing the old turtle straight into the earth.

The old turtle’s vision went black, its qi scattered again, and it nearly spat out blood.

It was terrified, but its mind worked fast.

She called the master a scoundrel… so he’s not a friend—he’s an enemy?

Yes! Definitely an enemy!!

Realizing this, the old turtle shouted quickly: “No, no! I made a mistake! I was wrong! I’m not his friend!

I, I’m actually his creditor!

This master is utterly shameless—I came here to collect a debt!”

It expected the Immortal’s anger to turn to delight upon hearing this.

But Gu Xiaoniang’s face darkened again. The Chen family might be vile… but they were her future in-laws!

“Audacious! Even if the Chens are vile, only I may curse them. You, a lowly cultivator, dare insult them? You deserve a beating!”

And with that, another kick!

The old turtle cried out in pain, its entire body buried deep in the earth, gasping for breath.

Inside, it raged silently.

What the hell!!

Complimenting doesn’t work? Insulting doesn’t work?

Being an Immortal makes you so great?!

You’re bullying me!!

·

Three kicks in a row—the old turtle’s body was now buried nearly half a meter into the earth, barely able to breathe, eyes rolling back, on the verge of fainting.

Gu Xiaoniang finally withdrew her foot, stepped back two paces, and glared coldly: “Don’t pretend to be dead. You’re already a Shape-Shifting cultivator. These three kicks are just a warning—I won’t crush you. Get out and answer me.”

The old turtle groaned as it crawled out of the hole, its breath weak and ragged.

Gu Xiaoniang glanced at it and frowned: “I can’t stand your turtle-head-and-turtle-face look. Turn into human form and speak to me.”

“Immortal, I’m currently undergoing my hundred-year celestial trial as a turtle cultivator. I cannot use any magic this year, or I’ll attract heavenly retribution—I…”

Gu Xiaoniang shot it a cold look: “I’ll likely be staying here long-term, and I need someone to do chores. Since you’re here, you’ll do. Your turtle form is too slow—do you expect me to wait while you crawl everywhere? Transform now!

As for your little celestial trial as a spirit beast—I’m here. What do you have to fear?”

Huh?

I… I’ve just been recruited?

The old turtle froze, then a flicker of joy sparked in its heart!

I… I’ve been taken on by a Heavenly Human?!

The old turtle quickly poked its head out, voice ecstatic: “Thank you, Immortal, for this blessing!!”

With that, it drew a deep breath toward the forest; a flurry of dead leaves spiraled around it, followed by a flash of golden light—its body transformed into human form, the leaves becoming its clothing.

Standing before Gu Xiaoniang was now a short, wiry old man, who immediately dropped to his knees before her.

“Hmm, much more pleasant to look at.” Gu Xiaoniang glanced at him and said coolly: “Tell me—the boundary between realms is sealed by a barrier array. How did you, with your meager cultivation, slip out?”

“Huh?”

The old turtle blinked, shaking its head: “I was born here… My ancestors have lived here for countless generations, for untold ages.”

Gu Xiaoniang nodded: “So you’re a descendant of those who fled the other realm long ago.”

Then the old turtle recounted, in full detail, how it hibernated in the mountain lake, how its mountain’s primordial energy had been drained…

Gu Xiaoniang listened silently, then glanced at the blue stone slabs in the courtyard and nodded: “Good. She has a ready-made Spirit Gathering Array. I’ll live more comfortably now.”

Then she turned to the old turtle: “You broke the array. Fix it.”

The old turtle looked embarrassed: “I… I don’t know how.”

It hurried to add: “In this world, people don’t cultivate magic. The transmission of magical arts is extremely rare. In the mountains, I only relied on a few inherited turtle spirit instincts to Mosuoxiuxing —beyond that, I don’t understand anything.”

Gu Xiaoniang thought for a moment: “Can you cook?”

“Your humble servant cannot.”

“Can you use Dust-Removing Art? The kind for cleaning houses and washing clothes?”

“Your humble servant cannot…”

“Can you use household electronics? Can you use a phone or computer to go online?”

“Your humble servant cannot…”

Gu Xiaoniang frowned. She glanced at the courtyard’s swimming pool: “Can’t do anything? Fine. Fill the pool with water and stay in it.

If you can’t do anything, you’re just a pet.”

The old turtle: “…”

·

After an unknown length of time, Chen Yan slowly woke, feeling dizzy and parched.

He Mianqiangfanlegeshen , and felt his body weak and limp.

His heart lurched—had the bad luck not been lifted? Had it come back again?

He lay on the bed and rapidly calculated with his fingers.

Huh? Today’s fortune—auspicious.

He pulled his phone from under the pillow, checked the time, and shot upright in bed!

January 1, 2025, 7:26 a.m.

“Holy shit!”

Chen Yan remembered falling asleep in this hotel on the early morning of December 31st.

Without realizing it, I missed New Year’s Eve entirely.

Slept for over twenty hours?! No wonder I’m dizzy, dry-mouthed, and foggy-headed.

I’m starving!

Weakly dragging myself up, Chen Yan gnawed through seven days’ worth of instant noodles—what he ate before sleeping was still instant noodles, and he simply couldn’t bring himself to touch the stuff again.

He picked up his phone, stepped out of the room, went downstairs, left the inn, and found a breakfast stall in town, buying some local pork potstickers and a bowl of spicy thick soup, eating them hot straight into his stomach.

On a freezing winter morning, with the cold wind biting through his skin, having that hot food inside him quickly made Chen Yan feel better.

He scrolled through his WeChat messages from the past two days.

Lu Sisi had sent several messages.

She sent some on Christmas, and I didn’t reply—I was in the middle of my seventh day of breakthrough cultivation then.

She also sent one on New Year’s Eve, but I was unconscious and didn’t reply.

Her last message was a tentative, hesitant question.

“Chen Yan, do you not like me bothering you?”

Chen Yan stared at the message for several seconds; he could almost picture how, given her personality, she must have sent it with that careful, anxious, uncertain expression.

Chen Yan thought for a moment, then replied: “I was in seclusion practicing last few days, so I didn’t check my phone.”

·

Back at the folk inn, he asked the owner to help him find a taxi driver he knew, and negotiated the fare for a long-distance ride back to Jin Ling.

He was waiting in his room for the driver to arrive when his phone suddenly rang—Chen Yan looked at the caller ID…

It was Hu Shangke, the suck-up.

Uh… with a twinge of guilt, Chen Yan answered the call.

Sure enough, the moment he picked up, Hu Shangke’s furious roar came through the line.

“Chen Yan!! What did you do to that short-term rental? Why did the building collapse?!”

“You’ve totally screwed me over, do you even know that?!”

Chen Yan sighed: “Hu, calm down first.”

“How can I not panic?! A whole building collapsed!!”

·

【The most absurd thing today is that I didn’t dare ask for monthly votes, yet I saw on the backend that one big-time reader gave “Hunting the Nation” eight monthly votes all at once…

My heart is exhausted.】

·