Chapter 3: Clothes-Snatching Robbers

A faint breeze brushed against their faces. Chen Xin and Liu Minyou both felt themselves return to the river of time, their senses and limbs recovering. It seemed as if time had vanished for only an instant, yet also for a very long while. They looked at each other and suddenly shouted, "Ah! Where are my clothes?"

"Where's my phone? My wallet, my wallet, my keys are gone too!"

In the desolate mountains, two stark-naked men, phones, wallets, clothes all lost — and this was no performance art. Liu Minyou felt like he was going insane. In a fluster, he hurriedly found some leaves to wrap around his lower body, caught his breath, and calmed down slightly.

When he looked at Chen Xin, he was surprised to find that this fellow victim of mishap had climbed a nearby tree, bare-bottomed, and was observing something.

After a good while, Chen Xin jumped down from the tree, utterly unconcerned about his nakedness, and said to Liu Minyou, "Something seems off. The distant cell towers are gone. The mountains are still the same mountains, but the tree trunk we were sitting on just now has vanished, and the surrounding trees are a bit different. I'm afraid we're in trouble."

As he spoke, Chen Xin imitated Liu Minyou and found some leaves to wrap around himself. While talking, he glimpsed several bloody scratches under Liu Minyou's neck and laughed heartily: "Yin Wanqiu's Nine Yin White Bone Claw skills have improved. You're going back today with everything lost — you won't be able to explain yourself, and you'll get another harsh round."

Liu Minyou said irritably, "It's all because of the house."

He looked up at the sky. The large and small pyramids had vanished without a trace, but the sky was earlier than before; the sun had not yet passed its zenith. Although the sudden change in environment made Chen Xin's heart quite uneasy, he remained composed on the surface, which gave Liu Minyou a little peace of mind. After discussing, they decided to first go down the mountain to a farmhouse inn they had seen earlier to find some clothes, then take a bus back to Tianjin. Their own car would have to be left in the parking lot at the foot of the mountain for now.

On the way down, the fog was thicker than when they went up. The stone-slab hiking trail was gone, and the path they had taken up had almost completely vanished, leaving only a faint trace of a walkable route. Weeds grew thickly all around, withered branches of shrubs and small trees jutted out at angles, and occasionally squirrels or pheasants burst out from the side and fled.

The further Liu Minyou walked, the more alarmed he became. Without shoes, his feet ached terribly and were cut in two small places by stones. At the same time, he worried about being seen streaking — explaining it would probably convince no one, and he might even be beaten up as a hooligan. Chen Xin, however, hummed little tunes the whole way, as if quite enjoying this adventure, perhaps already imagining how he would boast to his friends when they got back.

Liu Minyou, anxious the entire way, finally reached the foot of the mountain. The green hills and clear waters he had seen on the way up now appeared to him as wretched mountains and foul waters. Rounding a bend, a figure ahead gave his heart a moment of relief — finally, he could find clothes to wear. But upon a closer look, his mind crashed again.

The person approaching looked like an ancient-costumed herb gatherer, older in age, about one and a half meters tall, with a hunched back. His beard and hair were slightly graying. Beneath his brows, a pair of somewhat cunning eyes darted warily at the two men. His hair was long, topped with a square cap, with some uncovered strands at his forehead and temples fluttering messily. He wore a tattered coarse-cloth robe fastened on the right, and his trousers were so ragged they were barely holding together, with a few cloth strips dangling below. He wore only one shoe, bound to his foot with a few artemisia stalks. On his back was a basket, and in his hand he held a small wooden-handled hoe.

The herb gatherer's hair and eyebrows were dotted with water droplets, as if he had just emerged from a dew-soaked thicket. Staring at the two wild men opposite him, he was also somewhat dumbfounded. He retreated two steps, raised his small hoe twice, held it before his chest with a guarded expression, and seemed to hesitate about whether to turn back.

Liu Minyou hurriedly said, "Elder brother, hello, could you tell us where the nearest farmhouse inn is around here?"

The herb gatherer said nothing upon hearing this, turned back, and walked a few steps. Once he had put some distance between them, he looked back, saw the two were not following, and stopped. He said to them, "This old fellow has gathered herbs in these mountains for decades and has never heard of a place called a farmhouse inn. If you want to buy clothes, have you brought silver money?"…

Liu Minyou wanted to ask more, but Chen Xin had already pulled him back and himself asked the herb gatherer, "We two lost our way in the mountains, our clothes were stolen, and now we don't know where we've ended up. Please, could you point us to a road? Once we return home, we will certainly reward you handsomely."

The herb gatherer said, "You two must have fled from Liaodong. I've seen them at the foot of the mountain, their hair just as long as yours. No one around here speaks with your accent. Don't try to fool this old fellow. You've escaped from the Tatars, so you surely have no money or goods. What 'handsome reward' are you talking about?"

Tatars? Liaodong? Liu Minyou hurriedly said, "Elder brother, you've got it wrong. We really are from Tianjin. If you don't believe me, look at our ID… ID's gone. Our car is in the parking lot at the foot of the mountain."

"Tianjin is so far away. What are you doing on this desolate mountain? I only gather herbs on the mountain and have no money on me. You two don't look like good people. If you dare come to our village, we'll seize you and take you to the officials."

The herb gatherer turned and left as soon as he finished speaking, not stopping again this time. After walking far, he turned his head once more to look at the two, then disappeared around a bend in the mountain path.

Chen Xin said to Liu Minyou, "Brother, have we arrived in another world? Or have we crossed over? The scenery is different everywhere, and I've never seen a peasant dressed like that."

Hearing this, Liu Minyou grew frantic and said, "Then when can we go back? What about my house? The deposit's already paid, my money… my mom and dad, what about my girlfriend?"

Chen Xin spread his hands, took the lead walking forward, and said as he went, "Or you could apply to the pyramid for a re-crossing — maybe you'd end up as a princess. For now, whether we've crossed over or not, let's find clothes first. Follow that herb gatherer; I'll go ask him what year this is."

Liu Minyou had no knowledge of history whatsoever. Of the Ming Dynasty, he only knew a few eunuchs, and that from movies. He hurried after Chen Xin and asked, "What if he won't give us clothes? If we really have crossed over, clothes in ancient times were valuable property, especially in a godforsaken place like this."

Without turning his head, Chen Xin replied, "First ask the herb gatherer what era it is."

The two walked quickly. After a few minutes, they rounded a bend and saw the road gradually straightening. About ten meters ahead, another small path branched off to the right, but the herb gatherer was nowhere to be seen.

Chen Xin stopped at the bend, turned to Liu Minyou, and said loudly, "Looks like that silver wasn't dropped by the herb gatherer. We don't need to chase him." At the same time, he blinked furiously at Liu Minyou. Liu Minyou hurriedly chimed in, "Right, we can eat for a long time with that much silver." For a moment, Liu Minyou didn't know how much silver to say.

The nearby thicket rustled, and the herb gatherer from before came rushing out, shouting, "I was gathering herbs and hadn't noticed I'd dropped my silver. Give it back quickly, or I'll seize you two and take you to… Ah… Help!"

Liu Minyou's vision blurred. Before he could react to what was happening, Chen Xin had already tackled the herb gatherer to the ground, pressing both hands down on the old man's hands. The herb gatherer, thin and small, was pinned under Chen Xin's 150-plus jin and could not move, though he still shouted for help.

Chen Xin tried to free one hand, but the herb gatherer's hand strength was considerable, and one hand could not hold down both of his. Hearing the herb gatherer's shouts, Chen Xin urgently called to the stunned Liu Minyou beside him, "Quick, help gag him!"

Liu Minyou stammered, "You, you said, ask him what year, you didn't say…"

"I plan to tie him up and then ask. Cut the chatter, hurry, if someone comes… we're done for."

Liu Minyou's hands trembled. He grabbed a handful of dirt from the ground, thought again, and switched to a stone. Chen Xin, seeing this, didn't know whether to laugh or cry and said, "Tear the cloth from his trouser leg." Hearing this, the herb gatherer struggled even more vigorously.

When the two finally gagged the herb gatherer, tied him up with his own trouser belt, and carried him into the thicket where the herb gatherer had been hiding earlier, they sat down and gasped for breath. Their bodies were covered in countless scratches from branches, and their hair was topped with bits of withered grass from who knows where. Chen Xin, having wrestled with the old man on the ground, was covered in dirt and looked quite disheveled. The herb gatherer was also exhausted, and his eyes showed fear as he looked at the two men…

"You never said you were going to question him like this. This is robbery, you know! You can be sentenced for this!" Liu Minyou, having caught his breath, began to settle accounts with Chen Xin.

"Wait until the police and courts have crossed over too, then we'll talk."

"What if we haven't crossed over? Maybe if we walk out, the car is still parked outside."

"Do you still think we haven't crossed over? If we haven't, we'll compensate this old gentleman 100,000 — no, 30,000. He'll definitely forgive us. He's really strong, wouldn't have guessed." Chen Xin flexed his sore hands, his standard smile returning to his face. He raised the small hoe toward the herb gatherer and said, "Now let's ask this gentleman to verify whether we've crossed over or not."…

……

A robbery victim and one robber sat side by side on the ground, while the other principal offender was stripping the victim of his clothes. "Tianqi seventh year, fourth month. Tianqi seventh year, fourth month." After confirming they had crossed over, Liu Minyou's mental state had developed a slight problem, and he kept muttering these words over and over.

"Tianqi seventh year. Seeking out Wei Zhongxian definitely won't work — he'll be dead soon. Li Zicheng — no, that path is too tortuous, and my life probably isn't as tough as his. Huang Taiji!!!" Chen Xin calculated as he robbed the clothes. At this thought, his spirits lifted, but then he shook his head. "Be a slave? No amount of pay is worth that. Chongzhen won't do either — only one head, and I want both my head and my hair." He stopped, looked down at the herb gatherer, and said, "Old man, we fled from Liaodong, but we are not Tatar spies. Our hair was cut by the Jianzhou bandits, and it's only grown this much. Today we truly have no choice but to borrow your clothes. We will certainly reward you handsomely in the future."

The herb gatherer's mouth had been re-gagged, so he could not object to this proposal. Chen Xin gave the trousers to Liu Minyou. The herb gatherer's long trousers became short pants on Liu Minyou. Chen Xin took the robe and tied it around his waist. Once his vital parts were covered, a sense of security welled up inside him. After they were properly arranged, he whispered in Liu Minyou's ear, "We still need to find clothes. Look, I still have no trousers. The old farmer said their village is two li ahead. We'll take him with us and first scout outside the village."

"Are we going to rob these commoners too? Have you no shame?" Liu Minyou asked weakly in a low voice.

"I've had the nerve to walk bare-assed for half a day; what's there to be ashamed of now? Besides, we're only robbing clothes, not chastity. Let's call it borrowing — temporary borrowing. We'll return them two pieces later. We can't wait until nightfall. If we have no clothes and no shelter at night, we'll freeze to death out in the wild."

Liu Minyou felt some pity in his heart and said, "How about we walk a bit further first and see if there are other households willing to take us in?"

"What if there aren't? The further out we go, the more people there will be. You saw that old man's attitude. Our accents are different, we have no hair, no clothes. With the state we're in, if we're caught and taken to the officials, treated as Tatar spies from Liaodong, what then?"

After Chen Xin finished whispering, seeing that Liu Minyou no longer objected, he deliberately said loudly to Liu Minyou, "We'll escort this old man back to his village, then we'll return to the mountain." Liu Minyou gave him a slightly puzzled look, saw him blinking again, agreed, and said no more. The old man, hearing that the two did not intend to take his life, mumbled twice and stopped making a fuss.

Chen Xin first poked half his head out of the thicket. Seeing no one around, he hoisted the old man onto his shoulder and took the earlier small path. After walking about another two li and rounding two small bends, the view ahead gradually opened up. A stretch of flat land lay among the mountains, a small river cutting through the valley. A dozen or so households were situated by the small river. A wooden bridge spanned the river, its deck supported by several large logs underneath. The small path passed through the village, crossed the bridge, and then followed the river course, winding away beyond the mountains. Two women, barefoot, were washing clothes by the river, and faint traces of conversation could be heard.

The two robbers — now repeat offenders — hid in the woods, observing the village through the leaves. The old man was placed far to one side. Chen Xin laughed and said, "The farmhouse inn we saw on our way here must have been right here. So this is what it looked like back then."…

Liu Minyou lowered his head in thought, then asked Chen Xin, "How did you know just now that the old man was hiding nearby?"

"After that bend, the view ahead opened up, and there was a fork in the path. If the old man wanted to see which road we took and be sure we were far away before he could safely continue up the mountain, that's where he'd choose to hide."

"Then why didn't you just let him go? Why bring him along?"

"If I let him go, he'd take a shortcut back to the village. With only these few roads, he'd call a few strong men with hoes and shoulder poles to block the path. How would we get down the mountain and continue borrowing clothes?"

Liu Minyou stopped dwelling on the earlier matter and asked, "So what now? The village is so quiet. If we rob clothes directly and they scream, we'll still be blocked."

"In a bit, we'll prepare two dog-beating sticks, then release the old man. Let him watch us head back the way we came. Then we'll hide nearby. After he calls people to chase after us, we'll go into the village and borrow clothes, and food." Chen Xin rubbed his stomach and smacked his lips.

"Woof woof woof!" Liu Minyou, stick in hand, ran while gnawing on dried meat in his mouth — he didn't know if it was rabbit or pheasant, wind-dried and hung outside someone's house, conveniently borrowed by the two. Of course, there were also plenty of clothes, both men's and women's. The two had no time to be picky for now; they ran while eating, glancing back from time to time to see if the dogs were chasing them.

After running one li out, the barking faded into the distance. The two changed into the clothes. Even the largest sizes were still too small, but for them, it was already very satisfying. Each tore off a piece of cloth to wrap their heads, bundled the remaining clothes, and Chen Xin carried the bundle on his back. They walked quickly toward the outside of the mountains. Along the way, there were two more small villages. The two dared not stop, nor did they enter the villages, only passing by on the road outside.

Ahead, they rounded a small hill, and the view gradually opened up. After walking a bit further, a wide dirt road appeared before their eyes. "Finally, we see the light of day again!" Chen Xin laughed heartily. After crossing over, they had descended the mountain, borrowed clothes, and struggled from past 9 a. m. until the afternoon — now around 3 p. m. in later times. "Brother, which way? West goes to Jixian, continuing on goes to Jingshi. East goes to Zunhua. Oh, want to go back to Tianjin and see if your house is there?"

"You know perfectly well it's not. You decide. My mind is a complete mess."

"I can't decide. Let's get far away from here first. That old farmer who led people up the mountain to chase us just now looked absolutely murderous..."

Chen Xin pondered for a moment, then said to Liu Minyou, "Zunhua is near the Great Wall and is a key border garrison town, so the checkpoints will definitely be strict. Looking the way we do, let's head to Jixian first. We can decide where to go after that."

The two of them turned onto the official road, heading west toward Jizhou. At this time, the Yuqiao Reservoir of later ages did not yet exist. About ten li south of the official road lay the rolling hills of Shigu Mountain and others. The valley between the two stretches of highland to the north and south was filled with vast wheat fields. April was precisely when the winter wheat ripened. A gentle breeze blew, sending waves of golden wheat rolling. The Lihe River (called Gushui after passing Jizhou, now known as the Zhouhe River) ran through it from east to west. Several small streams flowing out of the northern mountain range merged into it from north to south. Numerous bridges spanned the official road, and villages dotted the valley—a scene of tranquil countryside.

Liu Minyou followed behind Chen Xin listlessly. Chen Xin, on the other hand, looked around eagerly the whole way, observing the scenery of the Ming dynasty with great interest. Chen Xin raised his head and took a deep breath, sighing, "The air is so good. Do you think we might live a few extra years?"

Liu Minyou replied weakly, "Still thinking about living a few extra years? We don't even know what we'll eat tomorrow. The dried meat in the bag is only enough for two days. Apart from this bundle of ragged clothes, we don't have a single cent. I only know how to write code, and you only know how to talk politics. The way we are, no one would even hire us for manual labor."...

Chen Xin looked back at Liu Minyou's expression and chuckled, "Don't be so pessimistic. Think about it, there are benefits too, aren't there? At least today you won't suffer Yin Wanqiu's Nine Yin White Bone Claws, you don't have to worry about buying a house, and you don't have to take on Old Pan's project anymore."

"Not pessimistic? When other people transmigrate, they become princes or something. We don't even have proper clothes or pants. What kind of benefit is that? If you want it all, just take it and let me go back to deal with Old Pan."

"Since we're here, let's make the best of it. Crying yourself to death won't send you back anyway. Better to think more about what to do now. By the way, do you know what the situation was like in the seventh year of Tianqi?"

Liu Minyou was taken aback. He only knew they had arrived in the Ming dynasty, but he really had no idea when this Tianqi reign was. He hurriedly said, "Seriously, I'm completely unfamiliar with history. You might as well explain it to me."

"The seventh year of Tianqi means the current emperor is still a carpenter. Wei Zhongxian holds all the power and is riding high, but he's about to drop dead. Over in Liaodong, there's a regime called the Later Jin, which is the predecessor of the Manchu Qing. In a couple of years, they'll be crossing the Great Wall every now and then to go plundering. Barring any surprises, in about ten-plus years, they'll take the very road we're walking now to enter Beijing and establish 'Our Great Qing.' There's also a man named Li Zicheng, who's currently a postal worker. In a few years, after he gets laid off, he'll start a rebellion. About twenty years from now, he'll force the Chongzhen Emperor, who smashed his rice bowl, to also lose his job and his life. After all their turmoil, more than half the people in the north will be dead. The few who remain will all be forced by 'Our Great Qing' to keep a pigtail and become slaves. As for other things, I know some major events and important figures. I'll tell you about them slowly later."

Liu Minyou looked at Chen Xin in astonishment and said, "So you're saying this is an age of chaos? How did we get so unlucky, transmigrating into an era where human life is as cheap as a dog's?"

Chen Xin extended a hand and waved it. "How could a dog be that precious? Doesn't your Dachshund eat specialized dog food, get a pet hospital when sick, and even go to school? It should be as cheap as grass—specifically, the grass in a domestic park."

"Don't mention that dog school. Not only was it ridiculously expensive, but it didn't learn a thing. If I'd known I was going to transmigrate, I would have..."

"Burned it down!"

Liu Minyou hurriedly shook his head and said, "I wouldn't dare do that. I'd go scold them." He paused, then sighed a little distractedly, "I just wonder how my Dachshund is doing. If I'm not there, it won't even eat. Yin Wanqiu doesn't like it either, says it's hairless. Now that I've transmigrated, sooner or later Yin Wanqiu will throw it out."

"Stewing it in a pot is also a possibility!"

Liu Minyou pointed a finger at Chen Xin. "You!!!"

Chen Xin quickly raised his hands and said, "Alright, alright, I spoke out of turn."

Once Liu Minyou lowered his hand, Chen Xin added, "Probably better braised."