Chapter 16: line with translation of chapter title

Little Fat, dinner is ready... I placed three sticks of pure incense in the incense burner, smiling as I looked at the red little coffin on the table. Not long after, Little Fat's plump body floated out of the coffin.

He gave me a hehe smile, and while laughing, he waved at me: "Hai Sheng, you eat too, eat."

I also gave him a hehe smile: "Go ahead and eat, eat more, I'm not hungry, and I don't eat this stuff."

Four years have passed since I left my master; I have stayed a full four years at QingSongShu's home. During these four years, besides school, I followed QingSongShu to many places, examined feng shui, and slain evil spirits. It must be said, QingSongShu indeed taught me many things, but I still cannot put my master out of my mind.

Over these four years, I don't know how my master has been getting by. When he wanted to drink, was there someone brewing wine for him? With one hand, when he dressed, was there someone behind him helping pull his sleeve? Moreover, I don't know if he has found his son.

All along, the only companion accompanying me has been my general soul Little Fat. He seems to have grown; when I first saw him, he was weak like a puff of mist, scattering at a breeze. Now he is substantial; though ordinary people cannot see him, as the life master I can naturally feel that compared to five years ago, Little Fat has become much stronger. However, Little Fat still knows nothing—he cannot command ghost soldiers, cannot pass into the yin realm, and remains plump, only knowing how to eat.

But what does it matter? He is also one of my relatives. Relatives, even if utterly useless, remain relatives forever, an inseparable part of my life. Since he can't do anything, I will instead learn to become strong to protect him.

I took from the ancient box the item left to me by Master Li Feng—an old copper ruler. Engraved on it are the characters: "Wealth, Loss, Prosperity, Death, Office, Righteousness, Bitterness, Prosperity, Harm, Population"—the ten characters. According to QingSongShu, this is the Li family's hereditary Ding Lan ruler, used by Master Li Feng's ancestors to measure yin graves; together with the door ruler it is called the Yin-Yang two rulers, the door ruler being the folk-transmitted Lu Ban ruler.

This is the last thing my master left me; I often hold this cold ruler, recalling the days I spent with my master. Although I often curse him in my heart a hundred times, a thousand times, being mistreated, but in the end he remains my dearest person, treating me like his own biological son; otherwise he would not have handed down the family Ding Lan ruler to me.

"Hai Sheng, Hai Sheng, I have some good news to tell you..."

Just as I was holding the ruler, looking up and sighing while missing my master, a slightly plump figure rushed in without knocking, nearly knocking me to the ground.

"Pangzi, can't you be a bit steadier, learn a bit from QingSongShu?" I rolled my eyes, saying helplessly to this Pangzi.

The visitor was indeed a fat person, more precisely a big fat one, weighing over 150 catties, with squinty small eyes. A small bump grew on his forehead. Without close inspection, one might think it's the "morning heaven bone" from physiognomy, but a closer look shows it definitely isn't. This kind of bone growing on the forehead seems to be called something like "Buddha-Dao bone"; in short, it suggests a karmic connection with Buddhism.

This oddly shaped fat person is QingSongShu's only son, named Wang Weiqiang—my sworn older brother. Because QingSongShu and my master Li Feng are sworn brothers. Although I and my master have no formal father-son title, our feelings surpass that of father and son. Naturally, I and Wang Weiqiang became sworn brothers. Originally, my master was the elder brother and QingSongShu the younger. By seniority, Weiqiang should call me elder brother, but because I am slightly younger than him, the seniority got swapped.

But I simply cannot bring myself to call him "brother". The reason is simple: this fat guy is too lewd, not only lewd but a freakish flower among oddities; I really can't comprehend how the mature and steady QingSongShu could father such a lewd son.

The first time I saw this fat guy was exactly when I had just arrived at QingSongShu's home.

That evening, as the sunset's lingering light scattered across the earth, laying down a golden hue, I saw on the rooftop a slightly plump silhouette; the feeling it gave me was like that of a philosopher pondering life, gazing at the setting sunset with deep emotion.

I was curious, so I climbed onto the roof, sat beside him, and asked, "What are you doing?" Three minutes later I thoroughly regretted it, fully experiencing what "curiosity killed the cat" means.

Pangzi let out a long sigh, seemingly full of sorrow; he lifted his head to gaze at the sunset, his eyes sunk in memory.

He said, "I was thinking about the dog we used to keep at home; that dog was very obedient, it could catch mice."

Dogs that catch mice may be few, but they are also quite common in rural areas, right? I was full of doubt, about to ask.

At that moment he continued, "Our family also kept a cat, only that cat went mad."

"Um... was it driven mad by the dog?" I asked.

"No, because the dog caught all the rats, that cat went mad and learned to gnaw bones."

"I... venture to ask, your cat died, yet you're mourning that dog—what's the logic behind that?"

The second time, I followed him out to set up a stall; in his words, it's gloriously called "guiding lost gentlemen, reminding long-troubled heroes, benefiting the world with a hanging pot, saving the nation and people." Actually, it's just because we had no pocket money, taking a side job to earn some cash for buying cake.

The first customer to come in was a voluptuous beauty, estimated to have a 34D bust. Wang Weiqiang Pangzi drooled at the sight, fixed his gaze on her chest and said, "Miss, you have great omen, great omen (bosom) sign (cup)!"

Moreover, that woman was a big-breasted airhead; Pangzi said that, and she actually believed it, nervously asking Pangzi where the omen lay and whether there was a way to resolve it.

Pangzi pretended to be an expert, finger-calculated, slapped his thigh, drooling: "Miss, a little Daoist finger-calculation shows your misfortune lies in lacking me in your fate!"

"Really, Miss, believe me, your fate truly lacks me."

……………………

In the end, the woman alternately cursed us as lunatics and fled in panic. From then on I swore I would never set up a stall again with this dead fat guy.

The third time was during freshman military training. I hadn't been here long when QingSongShu told me to return to school to continue studying. At first I was unwilling, but I really couldn't go against QingSongShu, so I went back to school again and became classmates with his son.

During military training, the instructor called for assembly; only he broke ranks, standing aside, dead-eyed staring at a female classmate running on the track.

"Wang Weiqiang, what are you doing?" the instructor bellowed angrily, glaring at him.

Pangzi wiped his drool, yet still with a solemn expression he gave a military salute, his tone grave as he replied: "Reporting to the instructor, I am studying what is called 'surging waves'."

……………………

When a flock of crows flew over the heads of the whole class, Pangzi, unable to stop himself from speaking outrageously, said again: "Hai Sheng, hurry over and let's research together—look over there, does that one have a 34D or not..."

Finally, the city gate caught fire, affecting the fish pond. Innocently, I too was punished by the instructor to run five laps.

From then on I realized clearly that beneath this dead fat guy's outwardly loyal appearance lay a lewd heart.

Previously, the villagers always said, "Guard against fire, wolves, and Hai Sheng." I believe if they saw Pangzi, they'd surely realize they were wrong, terribly wrong, and should change that saying to "Guard against fire, wolves, and Weiqiang."

For this reason, the classmates gave us each a nickname; I am called the Lone Oddball, while Pangzi is called Lewd Strong.

Because of my left eye, very few in class dare to get close to me, so I usually speak very little, except with a handful of two or three people.

And Pangzi is indeed very lewd; these two nicknames truly match our traits. Therefore we two have no objection to these nicknames. However, giving nicknames aside, why must I be tied together with this lewd Pangzi?

"Hai Sheng, do you know we're going to the countryside tomorrow to help the uncles farm?" Pangzi burst in, his face full of excitement, grabbing my shoulders and jumping around.

I rolled my eyes; what's so special about that? The school periodically selects some students to go to the countryside, aiming to let them experience rural hardship, helping villagers harvest potatoes, pull weeds, etc. Is it worth such excitement? Could it be...

"Ah, this is a rare opportunity; I will surely work hard, let Sister Jingjing see my striving and enduring, hardworking side, hoping to move her soon and bring her back home!" Pangzi clenched his fists, full of fighting spirit.

Indeed... it's again because of that inexplicable Sister Jingjing.

This Jingjing is not actually a sister; her name is Silijing, a teacher at our school and also one of our class's instructors.

When the dead fat guy first saw Teacher Silijing, he widened his eyes, staring fixedly. After a moment, he grabbed my hand, nervously saying: "Hai Sheng, I've found her, it's her, it's her, exactly her."

At that time I was puzzled and asked Pangzi who; I initially thought he was referring to Nezha.

As a result, Pangzi pointed at Teacher Silijing and shouted: "I want to marry her and bring her home!"

Unfortunately, just as Pangzi said that, the teacher surnamed Si stood right before the two of us. Moreover, because Pangzi shouted it out, it naturally drew many classmates' strange looks.

From then on, the two of us were placed on Silijing's blacklist.

Although the road ahead is tough, it's rare that Pangzi has an indestructible Xiaoqiang heart; he continues to pursue relentlessly, shamelessly clinging to her, calling her Sister Jingjing.

When it rained, Pangzi deliberately took an umbrella, ran from the third floor to the first, and delivered it to Silijing who was sheltering from the rain. The result: the umbrella was broken—once opened, Silijing turned into a soaked chicken.

Every time, whether passing by or deliberately brushing past Silijing, Wang Da Pangzi would solicitously ask: "Sister Jingjing, have you eaten? Have you drunk? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty?"

Coincidentally, once when Silijing came out of the restroom, our Wang Da Pangzi stuck to her like a dog-skin plaster.

"Sister Jingjing, have you eaten?"

Who would have thought, this Silijing teacher happened to be in a good mood, and unexpectedly responded to our Wang Da Pangzi with one sentence: "I have eaten."

After answering, Silijing only then realized that she seemed to have come out of the toilet. After saying this, she ate, then immediately went back to the toilet and vomited.

Sometimes I really feel that as a teacher, being stared at by my own student is a tragedy, especially being stared at by such a bizarre student as Pangzi, it's simply a super huge tragedy. But our Wang Da Pangzi still hasn't come to his senses. In his words: 'Jingjing abuses me thousands of times, I treat Jingjing like my first love.' In my words: Damn it, Pangzi, just let her go, this isn't her abusing you, it's you abusing her..