Chapter 183: Anxiety

Lin Xiaolu sat at her desk, staring blankly at her own hands.

Only the desk lamp was on, making the room quite dim with a very limited field of vision, yet Lin Xiaolu paid no attention to any of that at the moment.

She lost.

That was the only thought in her mind.

Full of the desire to teach the other a lesson and say, "Do not underestimate others," she accepted a contest that looked incredibly simple, only to lose without a shadow of a doubt.

Most crucially, even after losing, the other person wore an expression utterly devoid of fluctuation, as if winning against her was simply a matter of course, a calmness that made one angry.

But what could anger accomplish? A loss is a loss; the defeated have no room to argue.

What happened before the loss? To be honest, Lin Xiaolu still hadn't figured it out even now.

She only remembered accepting Bai Ji's invitation, transforming, then mimicking the other's method to construct a simple mana ball in her hand, and charging at it with full confidence.

Nothing else, simply because in a pure comparison of the quality and quantity of mana, she was superior to ordinary Magical Girls.

Being stuck at the Seed stage and failing to break through for a long time was certainly a bad thing, but where there is misfortune, fortune lies; her mana growth had not stopped. Moreover, it seemed to have formed a high-pressure effect, giving her mana a "refined" quality. Specifically, with the same amount of mana, the destruction she caused was more powerful.

Therefore, as long as a Magical Girl in the Bloom stage did not exceed her by too much, this "refined" mana should theoretically be no weaker than anyone else's.

Before this, Lin Xiaolu had always held this belief.

Until after the contest with Bai Ji.

In previous lessons from Senior Cuique, Senior Cuique had once instilled in Lin Xiaolu a conclusion: that mana is equivalent to an extension of a Magical Girl's limbs.

This sentence is actually not hard to understand; just as tools are an extension of the human body, mana is an exceptionally useful tool for Magical Girls; the principle is the same.

At the moment the mana ball collided with Bai Ji, Lin Xiaolu thought of that sentence again.

Because she suddenly realized that Senior Cuique's words might be emphasizing not only the attribute of mana as a "tool."

What kind of feeling was it? It was merely a collision of mana balls, yet at the very moment of impact, Lin Xiaolu felt a sensation of "numbness and tingling."

It was as if her fingers had touched a live object; the stinging pain brought by that numbness and the stiffness that followed immediately, a phantom "tactile sensation" feedback from the mana to her own body, causing a series of loss of control.

Electric shock.

That was Lin Xiaolu's most direct feeling during the collision of the mana balls.

She had felt similar sensations before, specifically when encountering Remnant Beasts; when her mana touched a Remnant Beast, there was a burning sensation produced by corrosion. However, this burning sensation was not that intense, even completely inferior to the pain caused by taking a direct hit in battle, so it was often covered up.

But the effect Bai Ji caused at that moment went far beyond that; at that instant, Lin Xiaolu even felt her mana had become a weakness under attack. It was as if the sensation of "paralysis" had been amplified, causing the mana to carry the senses back to the mana source, which then spread to the true form, directly transmitting it to herself.

The result was that the mana ball Lin Xiaolu threw out with full confidence, after colliding with Bai Ji, collapsed naturally in less than two seconds.

All that remained was Lin Xiaolu standing still in place, a hand still dazedly extended, not even understanding what had happened.

Bai Ji did not speak either; she just shook the hand that had condensed the mana ball, seeming to think it was enough, then dispelled her transformation, turned around, pulled her suitcase, and walked into her own room.

What happened afterwards need not be said.

Lin Xiaolu returned to her room in a daze, still unable to recover even by dinner time, and then, until now.

The reason for her loss was not merely the defeat, nor merely the other person's dismissive attitude; more importantly, the "anxiety" she had been suppressing by various means and trying her best to ignore had erupted.

Since Xia Liang succeeded in blooming a step ahead of her and obtained her own Magical Armor, this anxiety had actually never ceased.

Clearly, she was the first to become a Magical Girl; clearly, she was the first to start learning; she was the first to do everything, so why, in terms of ability blooming, did Xia Liang precede her?

This anxiety reached its peak after Bai Jingxuan awakened her Magical Armor.

If Xia Liang's case could still be explained by "stronger talent," then why did Bai Jingxuan, who became a Magical Girl more than two months later, still walk ahead of her?

Yes, she still remembered being able to use that special white mana, but that mana had only appeared twice, used only when encountering extremely dangerous enemies.

How exactly was it used? Could she use it as smoothly next time? Why couldn't it be used normally?

Even if the quality and quantity of her mana far exceeded the Seed stage, even surpassing ordinary Sprout stages, without awakening her own Magical Armor, the Seed stage remained merely a "seed."

No matter how much she used words like "accumulating strength for a long time" or "special constitution" to hypnotize and soothe her heart, the emotion of anxiety continued to grow wildly.

And this growing anxiety would one day erupt; the battle with Bai Ji became the final spark.

Lin Xiaolu realized something, something she had deliberately ignored but which was probably already close to the surface.

—Would she remain stuck at the Seed stage forever, thus failing to keep up with the pace of others?

Forget standing by Senior Cuique's side; even the footsteps of Xia Liang and Bai Jingxuan would grow further and further apart. At that point, would a self who remained stuck at the Seed stage really still have a reason to stay in this squad?

Thinking of this, her heart felt as if it were being gripped, and a suffocating sensation rushed at her.

She wanted to find Senior Cuique.

She wanted to cry out her depression after losing, she wanted to pour out her long-standing anxiety, she wanted to seek comfort, she wanted to seek encouragement, she wanted to get help.

She very much wanted, just like when she was confused back then, for Senior Cuique to hold her hand and tell her, "It's okay."

These feelings could not be told to her father, who had been quite strict and was still an ordinary person; nor could they be told to teammates who were even younger than herself.

At some point, when her heart was sad and she had nowhere to speak, the first person in her mind had become Senior Cuique.

She was both an admired senior and a reliable elder; the tenderness beneath that indifference had long changed Lin Xiaolu. For her, who had lost her biological mother, Senior Cuique was undoubtedly the person in her current life closest to the role of "mother."

But, Senior Cuique was ultimately not "mother."

She had always wanted to find the reason why Senior Cuique showed concern for her; for this, she even came up with the absurd conclusion that "the other person and my father are in love," a thought that made her want to cover her face and scream, simply because she wanted to confirm how solid the relationship between herself and Senior Cuique truly was.

Between ordinary seniors and juniors, there cannot be an overly strong dependency.

Between ordinary teachers and disciples, it is also impossible for one to overstep their bounds in every matter.

Only a relationship that is more solid, more intimate, and more unbreakable... If it were not like that, then her one-sided dependency would undoubtedly be a trouble for the other person.

That is why Lin Xiaolu forced herself to hold back, not opening the door, not pouring out all her emotions.

Because she did not know what Senior Cuique's bottom line for tolerating her was.

Like she was now, overestimating her own strength, arbitrarily accepting someone's provocation and suffering a crushing defeat, putting on a bad face at the dinner table; if she then went to Senior Cuique to cry and wanted her to comfort her... in that case, it would be far too improper.

Even if she imagined herself having such a troublesome junior, she would probably think that person was a pest, wouldn't she?

She did not want, and dared not, try to make Senior Cuique disappointed further. Recently, Senior Cuique had shown considerable favoritism toward Bai Jingxuan; if she eventually became completely disappointed and gave up on her, Lin Xiaolu might as well just retire from being a Magical Girl.

Chaotic thoughts formed a turbulence in her mind; she sat at the desk for who knows how long, to the point where she even forgot the time.

After a long while, as the waning moon outside the window climbed high into the sky, a knocking sound came again from the door behind her.

Knock, knock, knock.

The crisp sound broke the silence, pulling Lin Xiaolu back from her thoughts to reality.

Was it Senior Cuique again?

That was her first thought, but she quickly shook her head lightly, ashamed of such a weak notion, took a deep breath to adjust her voice, and pretended nothing was wrong as she spoke:

"Who is it?"

She had some guesses in her mind about who might come at this time; Senior Cuique was unlikely, so it was either Xia Liang or possibly Bai Jingxuan; could it be that airhead Mo Ke? It couldn't be those few from Bishi City... she had already shown such a cold face, so the other party certainly wouldn't be so kind as to come looking for her.

However, the voice coming from outside the door ultimately still surprised her.

"It's me."

That was a voice that initially made Lin Xiaolu feel somewhat unfamiliar, but she quickly realized its owner's identity.

One could hear the maturity of the voice's owner, yet it still held a few traces of a maiden-like lightness, and possessed an incredibly pleasant tone.

"I heard a junior member of my squad caused you trouble; I'm very sorry. Would you like to come out and talk?"

—That was the voice of the senior magical girl who had appeared before her today, seemingly Senior Cuique's old partner: Margaret.

On the fourth floor of the secret base, there was a very large public balcony.

Although called a balcony, its size was designed to the standard of accommodating a small garden; however, no one in the Fang Ting City magical girl squad had any interest in gardening, so it was left empty as a regular balcony.

Lin Xiaolu rarely came here.

Rather, if not for the invitation from this woman named Margaret, she probably wouldn't come over here even once in several months.

Not only was her room not on this floor and her usual activity areas rarely involved the fourth floor, but also because this place was simply too vast; even if she wanted to find a spot to sit and soak up the sun, this place would hardly count as a good destination.

Let alone now, when the season was deep winter; this balcony was especially cold, and no one would run over here for no reason.

Of course, if one were to conduct a relatively private conversation, such conditions instead became a natural soundproof wall, effectively avoiding eavesdroppers.

Presumably, this was also the reason Margaret chose to talk here.

"... So cold."

Touching the railing on the outer edge of the balcony, Lin Xiaolu instinctively inhaled a breath of cold air, then hurriedly withdrew her hand.

She looked around, but this balcony truly had nothing; there was nothing that could be called a point of interest, so she could only withdraw her gaze and look at the woman not far away: "Then, may I ask what you called me out for?"

Her words could hardly be described as very friendly or respectful, but using the word "please" was already a quite restrained expression for Lin Xiaolu.

"Nothing much, just a bit curious about you."

Aoshino Madoka smiled, pressed down with one hand, signaling Lin Xiaolu to relax: "No need to be so nervous; I didn't come with hostility. Rather, I stand on your side."

Lin Xiaolu said nothing, but the meaning revealed in her eyes was very clear: "What nonsense are you talking?"

"Hard to believe?" Aoshino Madoka asked.

"... That person is your student, right?"

Lin Xiaolu spoke with a complex expression: "She beat me in a fight, and you tell me you stand on my side?"

"Yes, without a doubt, that child Bai Ji is indeed my student; to be precise, she should be my most satisfied student."

Turning slightly, Aoshino Madoka looked toward the night sky: "But precisely because of this, I cannot possibly stand on her side regarding today's matter."

"Why?" Lin Xiaolu didn't understand.

"Because she was wrong in this matter."

Aoshino Madoka sighed: "Given that the other party was already clearly a partner, magical girls should not engage in meaningless internal strife; let alone that she was the one who provoked first. If this happened in a squad with stricter discipline, such behavior would already constitute the minimum level of punishment."

"No... I don't think what we did at that level counts as a fight or 'internal strife'..." Lin Xiaolu hesitated.

"Then it is combat."

Aoshino Madoka affirmed: "Regardless of the degree or scale, when the struggle between each other involves the use of magic power, it must be treated equally."

Having said this, seeing Lin Xiaolu's somewhat flustered expression, her voice softened slightly: "Hard to accept?"

"I don't quite understand..." Lin Xiaolu shook her head.

"Because in this world, there is a considerable portion of magical girls; when they act, it is difficult to define the impact they can cause by the 'amount' of magic power used."

Aoshino Madoka explained: "Although your contest used only a very small amount of magic power, for certain magical girls, such a tiny bit of magic power is enough to kill a colleague. So, at that time, if she argues 'I only used a tiny bit of magic power,' can she be forgiven?"

"... No?"

"Of course not."

Aoshino Madoka smiled again: "So, for magical girls, the 'quality' and 'quantity' of magic power are critical, yet not that critical. Because in combat, compared to magic power itself, what is more important is 'how the magic power was used'."

(End of this chapter)