Chapter 66: Night Talk (Part 2)

"Cui Que!"

She suddenly said in a loud voice: "I—I actually have another more negative, or perhaps cowardly, thought! I feel I must say it out loud!"

"Before I knew the true cause of my mother's death, I could still view the dangers faced by magical girls with a calm heart. But ever since I learned the truth, I've started to feel conflicted!"

"I can't tell if it's hatred or fear, and I don't know which emotion is stronger. But I know that I feel ashamed of my own thoughts."

Hearing her words, Cui Que did not comment directly, but instead asked: "Why? Because of your mother?"

"...I've been thinking about these things for the past few days, and I've started to feel that knowing the truth isn't actually that good."

Lin Xiaolu replied with a complex expression: "Just 'knowing that magical girls risk death' and 'a magical girl I knew has died' are completely different feelings."

"Even though I felt it was something very distant before, it seems to have suddenly happened right beside me, to the point where I even start to feel restless when I dream."

"It's strange, right? I've been a magical girl for so long, but only in these last few days have I started to feel afraid. Compared to feelings like 'revenge,' I have more thoughts of 'retreating' and 'escaping.' Because I think, if one day I encounter the enemy who killed my mother, will I die just like her?"

"I have the thought of 'revenge,' but I am afraid of the act of 'revenge' itself, and I even want to stay far away and continue pretending I don't know."

"But if I do that, can I still face my mother? What is the meaning of me obtaining this power? Just thinking about these things makes even my conviction to keep fighting start to waver."

"Does it sound ridiculous? I used to want to know the truth about my mother's death so much. But after knowing the truth, I've started to regret it. My heart is full of negative emotions: fear, guilt, self-denial... it makes me feel that it would have been better not to know."

"I really am a terrible person. I told you, Cui Que, that I wanted to become stronger and be your support, but just because I learned a little more, I started to waver and feel afraid."

"Even though Xia Liang learned about this too, she has already reached the Bud rank so quickly, while I am still..."

Her words stopped.

Because she suddenly noticed a somewhat cold palm gripping her hand.

"Why do you feel sorry for something like this?"

Cui Que looked at her earnestly: "Before being a magical girl, you are first and foremost just a child who hasn't grown up. Fearing death is an instinct that even adults cannot escape; why would you belittle yourself because of it?"

"But if I don't stand up and take revenge, then my mother's death will..." Lin Xiaolu said in a flustered manner.

"No one is required to stand up, Bai Mei."

Cui Que gripped her hand tightly, interrupting her: "Revenge is an act that you shouldn't even be considering. As Ying's teammate, revenge is something for us adults to do."

"Don't consider revenge?"

Lin Xiaolu asked blankly: "If that's the case, how can I find peace? What should I do? Can I really continue as I did before, immersed in my own world as if I knew nothing?"

"Forever like this, just playing house, defeating some weak remnants, and then self-satisfyingly telling myself that I have protected this city?"

"Even if that's the case, will there one day suddenly appear an enemy I cannot handle, and then I will, I will..."

She felt her thoughts were in chaos.

Just as she said, many negative emotions were all mixed together, causing her self-identity to become lower than ever before.

But what she did not know was that, in fact, the vast majority of children, after becoming magical girls out of simple impulse or longing, would fall into a certain degree of confusion.

For Lin Xiaolu, the catalyst for feeling this confusion was the truth of her mother's death.

When she first learned this information, she perhaps felt longing for her mother first. But what followed was a strong sense of dislocation.

Having always placed her spirit in magical girl anime, Lin Xiaolu's imagination of the term "magical girl" was overly beautiful and one-sided.

It was as if everything related to magical girls had a filter in her heart; as long as it had the slightest connection, it would become full of fantasy and fairy-tale colors.

That is why she became a magical girl without hesitation and acted quite bravely when fighting remnants, only because in her mind, she had already become the "protagonist." She was supposed to be detached from all the unpleasantness of reality, living inside a beautiful dream.

It was just that this filter was shattered along with learning the truth of her mother's death and her own training progress failing to keep up with her companions.

The concept of "magical girl" increasingly overlapped with reality in her cognition, making her unable to treat the term as a spiritual sustenance full of imagination, replaced instead by many thoughts regarding her actual situation.

Responsibility, crisis, loss, death... many unavoidable negative concepts crossed over from the other side of the filter, becoming Lin Xiaolu's new troubles.

And precisely because of this, at such times, she would subconsciously seek help from Cui Que, from the magical girl in her own mind. After all, to her, Cui Que was the place where this "filter" was best preserved.

Regarding these matters, Cui Que could not think that deeply, but that did not prevent her from feeling now that Lin Xiaolu was in urgent need of her help.

These troubles and anxieties seemed to have two common sources—a lack of security and low self-esteem.

So, what exactly should she say to her daughter, and what could she do to make her daughter feel better now?

Once she thought this through, she realized what she had to do. In a word: fill the gaps and mend the leaks.

"Bai Mei, there is no need to be so anxious."

Thus, after organizing her inner thoughts, Cui Que took the initiative to speak: "I have always told you all not to aim too high. This attitude is not only reflected in honor and strength but should also be applied to the meaning of life."

"Feel it carefully, do I truly exist here?"

Extending her other hand, Cui Que gently held Lin Xiaolu's palm with both hands: "Can you feel it? I am standing right here, in front of you, holding your hand."

Lin Xiaolu looked down, then nodded blankly.

"Then you should understand that this is your true feeling, and this is the reality you possess."

Cui Que looked into her eyes, her tone earnest: "It is not that you are facing hatred, enemies, and unknown crises all by yourself. The reality is that I am here, I will guide you, and I will protect you, so you will be fine."

"If you feel confused now, then don't be anxious; take your time to think and take your time to decide."

"If you fear fighting, I will resolve the enemy; if you don't want to take revenge, I will take revenge for Ying; you can take your time thinking about things you can't figure out, because you are still a child, and you have plenty of time to grow."

"Even if you say that you don't want to be a magical girl anymore, that you want to stay away from dangerous battles and be an ordinary girl, that is also..."

Having said this, she suddenly stopped.

Seeming to remember something for a moment, Cui Que pursed her lips slightly, struggling vaguely, but this expression was fleeting; her cold gaze, upon touching Lin Xiaolu, turned into a slightly kind look: "That is also possible; after all, you know I am a 'big shot,' and I can handle such things."

What she did not say was that, under normal circumstances, for a magical girl to become an ordinary person again, there were only two paths: reporting to the Wang Ting or retiring normally. The process for the former was merely a formality, and almost no one had ever succeeded through it.

Lin Xiaolu would not know this, nor was there any need for her to know.

She still looked dazed, but after hearing what Cui Que said, she slowly shook her head:

"I won't. I want to continue being a magical girl."

"Is this your true heart's desire?" Cui Que asked softly from the side.

"...Yes."

Her unfocused eyes refocused, and Lin Xiaolu nodded with some firmness: "This is the only thing I am sure of, because even now, being a magical girl is still my dream."

Even with various distracting thoughts in her mind, what she was confused and lost about was always just "how to become a good magical girl," not "whether to continue being a magical girl."

As for what Cui Que said about staying here with her...

"But, Cui Que, you will leave, won't you?"

Thinking of this, other thoughts arose in her: "You are a big shot from the Magical Kingdom, and coming to Fang Ting City is just a short stay. No matter how long you linger, one day, you will leave here, right?"

"On that day, after you leave... when I see you again, will I have to look at you from afar, just like seeing officials like the mayor?"

Cui Que was somewhat silent.

She tried to let go of her hand, only to find that it had been held back by Lin Xiaolu at some point, and she could not pull it away.

Without using force to break free, the two remained in a stalemate for a long while before she feigned calmness and nodded: "Yes, I will leave. This is the only thing I cannot lie to you about."

It was just that the reason was different from what Lin Xiaolu thought; it was not because she was an "Inspector."

"So you really will."

Hearing her answer, Lin Xiaolu's expression became somewhat disappointed: "In that case, there isn't much time left for days like this summer, is there?"

The first thought that arose in her heart was reluctance, but soon, she convinced herself.

In itself, the few months since meeting Cui Que were like a beautiful dream to her: she became a magical girl, met new friends, learned her mother's true identity, her relationship with her father improved quite a bit, and even her studies had progressed under Cui Que's guidance.

Even if she had new troubles now, that was not Cui Que's fault; it was just that she couldn't help but think too much.

She told herself that she had already gained so much from the other's arrival and should not continue to be greedy.

—"However, the time of departure is led by you all."

What Lin Xiaolu did not expect was that, beneath the calm tone, the content of Cui Que's words suddenly reversed: "I will wait until you, you and Xia Liang, and even your entire squad have grown up and can stand on your own, only then will I leave."

This sentence left Lin Xiaolu stunned in place for a moment.

Taking this opportunity, Cui Que quietly let go: "Does this make you feel a little more secure?"

"Bu, but, like me, wanting to become a great magical girl, I might, until I retire..." Still shocked by what Cui Que said, Lin Xiaolu spoke incoherently.

"Then I will wait until you retire," Cui Que turned her face and said lightly.

After hearing this, Lin Xiaolu felt her heartbeat skip a beat.

An indescribable emotion, perhaps to be named as the happiness of being flattered, surged into her heart in an instant.

She couldn't help but cover her chest and stammered: "In that case, that's ten years..."

"Yes, ten years," Cui Que remained calm.

This made Lin Xiaolu feel even more unbelievable: "But there is no reason for this. Why would you go to such lengths, Cui Que? For someone like me... even if you say you were very close to my mother, I still feel I am not worth it."

"Who said you aren't worth it?"

With one hand on her hip, Cui Que squinted at Lin Xiaolu: "If even you have given up on expectations and no longer face your own possibilities, how can you ever become the person you idealize?"

"But can I really reach that step?" Lin Xiaolu was still somewhat unconfident.

"Didn't Moke say it? You are a genius."

"It said itself that it was just lying to me..."

"That was also said; sometimes even fairies themselves can't tell what is true and what is false."

Looking at the river in the distance, Cui Que said calmly: "The reason I chose to linger in Fang Ting City, as you thought, indeed has to do with your mother, and also because this is a city I once guarded. I do not want it to be destroyed by remnants."

"However, it is impossible for me to guard this place forever. After Ying died, we of the older generation must pass the baton to the next generation."

"I saw you and Xia Liang here, and I have come to know you, so I believe in your possibilities as the next generation."

"Perhaps Moke was just saying it casually, and perhaps you don't believe in yourself, but I believe that one day, you will become a magical girl who can protect anyone."

"The so-called ten years is just a gamble and a bottom line. In my view, you will definitely become stronger, and it will absolutely not take that long."

Cui Que's judgment was so decisive that it finally made Lin Xiaolu feel that the haze in her heart had been cleared away quite a bit.

The hand covering her heart gradually clenched into a fist, and light reappeared in her eyes: "Do you believe in me, Cui Que?"

"No matter how many times you ask, the answer is the same: I believe."

Stepping back a few paces, Cuique looked calmly at her Daughter: "So do not belittle yourself; hold your head up, you are no worse than anyone else."

Having finished speaking, she half-turned her body, assuming a posture of continuing forward, and finally confirmed with Lin Xiaolu: "Is there anything else you wish to ask?"

Lin Xiaolu looked at the figure of the petite girl before her; the last traces of confusion in her expression gradually faded, and her previously gloomy look became bright, even faintly soft.

She shook her head and stopped speaking, instead taking small steps to catch up with Cuique, walking forward side by side with her.

Crisp footsteps rang out once again on the empty bridge deck, but unlike the dull sounds from when they arrived, the current sounds were light and more rhythmic. The footsteps moved slowly from the center of the bridge toward the opposite bank, crossing over the river, traversing the long pedestrian path, and finally, gradually fading into the unknown distance of the other shore.