Chapter 543: Appendix 10: Gongsun Li and Her

Appendix 10: Gongsun Li and Her "Home" — Winter Trees, Cold Branches

Appendix 10: Gongsun Li and Her "Home" — Winter Trees, Cold Branches

[Completion Event] Gongsun Li and Her "Home"

From that small courtyard to her grandmother's study, then to her father's shoulders — she stood amid the tides of the era and became an honored member of that imperial palace in Luoyang. She also walked from the bridal chamber into her husband's residence after the fan-lowering ritual and their eyes met, hand in hand through decades until the end, to that grave several feet underground. At last, she stopped her steps. There was nothing to fear or regret. In all these places, there were those who loved her and whom she loved, so each of them was her home.

If one were to introduce Lord Yan's eldest daughter to an outsider, the opening would invariably be: "Lord Yan's eldest daughter is sixteen this year; she was sent as an infant to be raised at the knee of Lady Gongsun..."

Such a standard opening made nearly everyone believe that A-Li was raised single-handedly by the Elder Lady.

Because Lady Bian was once merely a singing girl of lowly musician-register status sent by the Cao Zhengxi household, people considered sending A-Li to the Elder Lady to be raised an act of grace. Though the Han dynasty possessed the gallant spirit of "heroes are not asked of their origins," the baseness of the musician register and the hostile, fire-and-water relationship between Cao Zhengxi and Lord Yan still made Lady Bian's position among the five concubines awkward.

And with the principal wife Lady Zhao, who had the strongest background and origin, and the secondary wife Lady Feng both yet to conceive, everyone believed sending little A-Li to be raised by Lady Gongsun was for the best — just as when Bian Yu was the first to become pregnant, giving birth to a girl was far more to everyone's satisfaction than a boy.

But the Elder Lady clearly had her own ideas regarding little A-Li's upbringing —

When Gongsun Li was very young, around three or four, just when she was beginning to remember things, the concept of "home" existed in a state of confused bewilderment.

She seemed to have two "homes."

One was her mother Lady Bian's small courtyard, where many fragrant flowers and trees had once been planted. When they bloomed, buzzing bees and uninvited butterflies made the courtyard very lively. Seeming to enjoy this liveliness, all the fat cats of the Gongsun residence at that time loved to crouch by the wall corner, looking up at the busy bees in the sunlight, occasionally leaping up with mischievous paws to swat at butterflies and bees, then scurrying into the grass. By the time the Elder Lady sent someone to look for them one day, the cat's head had been swollen for quite a while.

During breaks from practicing calligraphy, A-Li would lie by the window and watch with amusement, but Lady Bian was terribly frightened and apologized profusely to the senior maids searching for the cat. Not many days later, the fragrant flowers and trees in the courtyard were cut down at Mother's request, their roots dug out as well. Little A-Li crouched by the window and watched the servants wield blades against that most fragrant, nameless flowering tree. The falling red blossoms were trampled to pulp by people coming and going, and then the cleaning servants washed them away with water, the mottled sap on the ground like bloodstains.

Later on, when the Elder Lady heard that the flowers and trees in Lady Bian's small courtyard had all been cut down, she said nothing, only ordering people to plant a few poles of emerald bamboo. Little A-Li leaned against the wall, able only to see the green bamboo leaves rustling and dancing in this tiny courtyard. A cat walked through this corner, looked around, and before A-Li could carefully identify it, jumped off the wall and walked away.

The other home was the great hall where Grandmother Lady Gongsun handled affairs. There, no gorgeous or fragrant flowers and trees were planted, nor was there the gold-and-jade splendor that outsiders imagined of a fabulously wealthy household, but it was also very "lively."

Bamboo slips and paper filling the bookshelves partitioned the interior space layer by layer. Dozens of accountants, who seemed to work their abacuses day and night without pause, made the wooden beads clatter and crack. Serving maids and attendants moved like flowing water through the stacks of documents, bringing Grandmother news and movements of the Anli Company from a thousand li away. Grandmother wore that pair of spectacles, crafted with the painstaking effort of countless artisans, and with a slight gesture of her hand, lifting heavy as if light, she could drive the Anli Company — that colossal, fierce beast — to tear, bite, and plunder across the land of the Nine Provinces.

A-Li practiced calligraphy and studied in the back; the Elder Lady would sometimes call her forward to read the Anli Company's official documents and letters from her father. When she grew a little older, Grandmother would ask her opinions on the matters she had just read aloud. The affairs of the Nine Provinces under heaven, the changes across ten thousand li of the divine land — all of it influenced her through Grandmother's words and guidance imparted by word and deed.

When she grew a little older still, she met her lord father out in the world. The concept of home changed then. From Mother's courtyard and Grandmother's residence, it became her father's shoulders. Her understanding of home was no longer confined to a dwelling beneath roof tiles.

Dark, hairy, tall, and big, her father looked like a large cat (later it was confirmed that, compared to cats, the grown-ups in A-Li's family were more like dogs). But it was no longer A-Li petting the cat; it was Lord Father, this big cat, coming to play with her.

That was the time in little A-Li's life when she was most like a child — A-Ping and A-Ding were boys and could not be so close to Father; A-Zhen was too small and preferred the wet nurse and Lady Qin's lullabies to Father's shoulders and embrace.

Sometimes A-Li was placed on her tall father's shoulders, and everyone could see her clapping her hands, too overjoyed to speak, calling out "My lord, my lord" over and over. Gongsun Xun, not yet Lord Yan needing dignity and mindful of his status, was infected by his daughter's joy. The gallant spirit and playful restlessness of his youth — in plain terms, unreliability — revived. He would toss his daughter into the sky and catch her, leaving the civil officials and military officers below not knowing whether to laugh or cry. When well-fed and content with wine, he loved to take his daughter out for strolls. Whatever she asked about, even if it was burial ware, he would buy it. This led to the popularity, from the late Han and early Yan periods, of door gods holding children. A thousand years later, behind the beckoning cat, merchants pasted not the God of Wealth, but a somewhat dark-complexioned big man holding an adorably jade-fair little girl with a vermillion dot between her brows.

Tired from playing, A-Li would fall deeply asleep on her father's shoulders. Somehow, in her dreams, she was held in the embrace of a large black dog. When she moved her limbs a little, the dog would find it immensely amusing and laugh with a rasping "hu-lu hu-lu" sound.

The scene from that dream remained vivid decades later. Even when, already the Eldest Princess, she recalled it before the spirit bier of the Yan Emperor Gongsun Xun, in a hall filled with frost and snow, all in white mourning garb, it was as if it were yesterday. Her hair fully white, Gongsun Li could not maintain her composure and laughed. In her position, with her status, at her rank, no one around her could see clearly, and those who could see her clearly dared not make a sound. But this startled the young granddaughter keeping vigil beside her, still inexperienced in the ways of the world.

The little girl was the only daughter of her eldest son, always treasured. Gongsun Li was just about to say something when the young girl obediently took a handkerchief from her sleeve — just now, Gongsun Li, who was herself a mother and grandmother, had been crying even as she laughed.

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To be continued

———10.20 Update ②———

Younger brothers and sisters gradually increased in number, and they also began to understand things, intentionally or unintentionally dividing the fatherly love A-Li received.

But A-Li was no longer the child who would agonize over whether flowers or bamboo were planted in the courtyard [or so she believed herself to be; as the eldest daughter, even if only a few years older than her siblings, she was still the elder sister who could laugh at A-Ping for still wetting the bed].

Moreover, as her father's broken blade began its path sweeping across the realm, the colossal beast that was the Anli Company also grew, expanded, and devoured madly across the land of the Nine Provinces. Because the children were growing up, the Elder Lady also began to teach them many things she had not taught before. The world A-Li came into contact with began to change.

The most direct and shocking experience of this change came one day, when A-Li, standing behind Lady Gongsun, watched as servants slowly unfurled a newly made map.

The sphere of influence controlled by the Gongsun family was meticulously outlined in gold thread. Other powers, due to their constant flux, ceaseless destruction, and chaotic disorder, were smeared and circled in leftover colors. And as the White Horse Volunteers advanced and the realm shifted like wind and clouds, the gold lines flowed and transformed, as if a golden dragon moved through the clouds, stirring currents of magnificent energy, while the surrounding motley colors dimmed and retreated, able only to tangle and tear at each other in a mass.

With a smile, the Elder Lady said to the awestruck A-Li, the oblivious A-Zhen, the thoroughly excited A-Ping, and the eager, itching-to-try A-Ding — the eldest of the younger generation who were already old enough to understand: "This is our Gongsun family's realm under heaven."

At that moment, mountains and rivers were overlooked beneath them — magnificent, majestic, vast, and boundless. The tiny concept of "home," insignificant and unworthy of mention, was shattered by these two words, "under heaven," carried with an aura of sweeping, strategic dominance.

A-Li measured the city where she currently was with her fingers — it was no larger than a thumb. Yet the entire map was broad and vast, and its shadow, when hung, covered everyone standing beneath it.

Lady Gongsun observed the expressions of her grandchildren. On each small face, the backlit map cast shadows, but the light refracted by the gold lines above kindled a flame-like blaze in the pupils of every child.

The Elder Lady had long harbored thoughts in her heart, yet at this moment she said nothing, only stroking the back of a cat that had suddenly jumped up.

That map seemed to give A-Li, overnight, a deeper understanding of the weight and value of her surname, her family, and her status. Her heart surged with emotion, giving rise to heroic spirit; her eyes were opened to the realm, a sudden flash of enlightenment. Along with this, many things that happened within the residence seemed to gain more extended directions as the deeper essence of these matters was unearthed following this realization.

For instance, why A-Ping and A-Ding, who could still play together as small children, were always deliberately separated by the servants on both sides, until by the time they began their education they were already sitting apart, consciously polite and distant. For instance, hearing that whenever A-Ding was sent alone to Father's side, Aunt Feng's expression would change on the spot. For instance, why Aunt Cai, Aunt Ren, Aunt Qin, and Mother always loved to pay their respects to Grandmother. For instance, the look on everyone's faces when it was heard that Dong Bai had been set as A-Ping's wife...

That was the first sleepless night for A-Li, who always carried an air of open, carefree innocence. Her mind recalled her father's face, but gradually added many details she had never paid attention to before.

This trouble disturbed her for a long time, so much so that the responsibility and authority of the eldest sister, who ought to properly discipline all her younger siblings, felt like thorns in her back whenever she exercised them during that period.

Her younger sister A-Zhen, who had always been close to her, did not understand her restraint. Wrapping her arms around A-Li's neck, she asked why Elder Sister no longer joked and laughed with them, but A-Li could not answer.

She no longer felt aggrieved over the flowers and trees in the courtyard; she better understood the sincere heart behind her mother Bian Yu's nervousness and fear. She also knew that neither Father nor Grandmother, nor even the principal wife Lady Zhao of the main courtyard, were people who would slight a child for being born of a concubine.

But after becoming aware that "this matter" existed, the intangible emotion was like a fine thorn hidden just beneath the skin — it did not hurt when it pricked. Yet when A-Li picked up her brush to record things, when she played and joked with her younger siblings, when she read letters Father sent from afar, when she listened to Lady Zhao's instructions for the rear residence... without warning, it pricked her skin inch by inch, with no way to vent or confide.

Because she had once experienced this kind of confused and powerless emotion, A-Li was very grateful to her grandmother. The old lady's way of resolving things kept her from losing her way in a life interwoven with brilliance and dimness, directly shaping her character of firm conviction.

The method Lady Gongsun used to teach this group of children, who were developing various problems amid growing up and changing status and position, was —

— to take them to see dead people.

One of the reasons great epidemics inevitably follow great wars is that, without external intervention, the dwindling population cannot handle the corpses left behind. These corpses, in the process of decay, contaminate drinking water and the air. Therefore, after capturing a major stronghold, pacification work is especially important. If a city becomes a dead city overrun by plague, capturing it holds no significance beyond its strategic position. And governing a dead or plague-ridden city almost means pouring in resources from other places, a subsidy that yields no turnaround for several years.

Thus, after annexing new territory, the feudal lords often had to spend a great deal of time reorganizing their holdings and preparing logistics. In this process, many severely affected small cities would be directly abandoned, becoming places where wild foxes and packs of wolves roamed. People said the beasts in these places were different from those in peaceful times; their eyes were red at night, and they feared neither man nor fire, because they were transformed from the lonely, wandering ghosts of those who died on the battlefield, and they loved most to eat the flesh of the living.

When A-Ping vividly told this story in the carriage, A-Zhen was so frightened that she hid in A-Li's arms. A-Ping, thinking it wasn't enough, imitated wolf howls with a strange laugh while trying to tug at his sister's sleeve, calling her a coward.

Seeing that A-Zhen's sleeve was about to be torn by A-Ping, A-Li held her sister close and frowned at him for a long while. Perhaps because these past few days A-Li had been restrained by her troubled thoughts and had not asserted her authority as eldest sister for a long time, and because boys of A-Ping's age were at their most obnoxious, he still refused to stop. Seeing that tears were already welling in her sister's eyes, A-Li rapped her brother with her fan: "Did you see with your own eyes the ghosts on the battlefield turn into wild wolves?"

A-Ping covered his nose and of course said no. He had never even seen a battlefield; he was only slightly better off than A-Li and the other girls, having participated in the autumn hunt and shot a rabbit. It was just that he said this matter was told to him by a family general, and he specifically added that this family general was a White Horse Volunteer. With his nose in the air, A-Ping implied: how could a Volunteer who had followed Father across the land lie?

Covering her sister's ears, A-Li continued to ask: "Then wolves must eat meat too, right?"

"Of course. What they like most is the tender flesh of noble folk."

"Then they must be alive."

"Of course they're living wolves."

"Well then, anything that is alive can certainly be killed, right?"

"That's true... but these are wolves transformed from ghosts."

"When Father was pacifying the Yellow Turbans, he saw tens of thousands of bandits die by drowning in the sea. The young men who died in the clash of blades with the Yuan family emptied the dozen or so villages we saw on the road. If the ghosts of that many people turned into wolves, they would certainly go looking for Father first."

"Elder Sister! How can you say that! Our father acts to sweep the realm clean, for the sake of great righteousness. Those ghosts surely know this — how would they dare disturb His Lordship!"

"We're still Father's family dependents — will those wolves come looking for us? And if they knew Father was the Great Righteousness, how could they have opposed him while he was alive?"

"...Th-that's because my lord defeated them, and only then did they understand that my lord's side was the true, orthodox Great Righteousness."

"Is Great Righteousness decided by blades and soldiers? Or do you also believe what they say outside — that Father wreaked havoc by force, using power to twist reason, is true?"

A-Ping could never out-argue his elder sister. He could only mutter under his breath, "Elder Sister is always so good at reasoning. It's just a story, and still she has to lecture people."

A-Li was wiping A-Zhen's tears. Hearing her younger brother's complaint, she pressed her lips together, but then Grandmother's voice came from outside: "Your elder sister teaches you for your own good. Hurry up and thank her. One day when you go out and show off like this, only to be scolded mercilessly by someone, that will be the real disgrace."

The children saw Grandmother, wearing her spectacles and leaning on Aunt Jin's hand, approaching with A-Ding, who had been called away earlier to talk, following behind her. Everyone, from the servants to A-Li, bowed in salute. A-Ping glanced at A-Ding and, somewhat defiantly, made his salutation slowly: "Grandmother always favors Elder Sister and speaks up for her. Who else is like Elder Sister, always loving to reason, even using a tale of the strange and supernatural to shut people up."

A-Li thought to herself that even if A-Ping had been spoiled by Lady Feng before, openly showing discord with his sister in front of an elder like this was a change that had come only in the last few days. The fruits of Father's success were already imperceptibly influencing and altering the Gongsun household.

"Your father — if he had heard what you just said, he would have pulled down your trousers and beaten you until you never dared to fabricate nonsense to frighten your sisters again." The Grand Lady stroked the faces of the two girls, A-Li and A-Zhen, completely ignoring A-Ping's flushed face.

"I wasn't lying..."

"Then what was the name of that volunteer retainer who told the story? When did he start following your family's lord? Where did he see ghosts turn into wolves? And how did he come to tell this story in front of you?"

"He... he was... he... just said he was, and then... told the story... and then..."

Even little A-Zhen had caught on that her brother was lying. Pouting, with a tear still on her cheek, she made a face at A-Ping: "Brother tells lies, shame on you."

Everyone in the room except A-Ping laughed together.

But then, A-Ping confessed that he had overheard this story from servants whispering in a corner. They all sat down, and the Grand Lady, holding the clingy cat and A-Zhen in her arms, began to teach the children: "These wolf packs do indeed exist around battlefields and in ruined towns and villages, eating people. However, they are neither transformed from ghosts and spirits, nor are their eyes necessarily red. But they do not fear people, because what they eat is human flesh."

"H-human flesh!"

The children were astonished. They had indeed read in books about people exchanging children to eat, but... those wolves were just beasts, beasts so lowly that when slaughtered for fur pelts, their coats were deemed not pretty enough. How could they...

"Because they are so hungry they have nothing to eat. In times of war and famine, even people cannot eat their fill, and when starving, people will exchange their own children to eat. Those soldiers who die on the battlefield and the famine victims who starve to death naturally become their food. And after tasting human flesh, they no longer fear people."

"At first, the letters received by the Anli Company only said that wolf packs were appearing around the rotting corpses on battlefields. Then, small, depopulated villages were attacked by wolf packs. After that, wild wolves lingering outside towns and cities began assaulting travelers in broad daylight. And now, they have started attacking merchant caravans in packs at night."

By now it was dusk. The place where this Anli Company caravan, escorted by several thousand elite soldiers, was traveling was precisely in the desolate wilderness. From the twilight of the mountains and gorges, a wolf's howl came from far away.

A-Zhen shrank even smaller in the Grand Lady's embrace. A-Ping and A-Ding, one pale-faced, the other clenching his fists. A-Li did not know how she herself appeared, but it also took effort for her to speak and ask her grandmother: "Does Grandmother mean that the world is worsening day by day, just like the attacks of these wolf packs?"

"Starting with the Proscription of Partisans during the reigns of Emperors Huan and Ling, then the Yellow Turban rebellion, and after that the Qiang people of Liangzhou, followed by that freak Dong the Fat emerging. The situation of the world is like those vicious wolves, worsening fiercely day by day. But the wolves became vicious wolves because, before that, they were hungry — hungry for too long. They began eating human flesh because they could not survive. They actively attacked the weak because the situation did not improve. Their ambitions grew bit by bit because they discovered that this was the only way to survive better... The appalling evil we see today stems from nothing more than that single word: 'hunger.'"

Grandmother let out a long sigh: "This world is so chaotic, chaotic to such an extent that even beasts have become utterly vicious, fearing neither blades nor flames. It is not because they are beasts, but because some people have done things that even beasts would not do. They planted the cause, bore the fruit, and naturally must swallow it. Yet those who accompany them in swallowing the bitter fruit are the millions upon millions of common people of this world who have already suffered every hardship. And so the age fell into chaos. The innocent who could not stop it and refused to wallow in the mire died — like your father's old friend, Fu Nanrong. The madmen who wanted revenge against the world for its injustice to them died — like your father's one-time old friend, Dong Zhuo, who was later killed by your Aunt Ren. Those who profited enough and thought they had seized the moment to gain advantage from the chaos died — like the countless villains under your father's broken blade... The man who wants to save this age soberly realized that he can only stop killing by killing. He naturally knows he is the Great Righteousness. But among the flesh those wolves eat, the greatest portion is also the men he has killed."

"The Great Righteousness of the world... Your father holds the largest territory, which also means he is the man who has killed the most people. Tell me, by what right does he take up this Great Righteousness?"

(End of Chapter)