Chapter 202: But Ningning, I only have you

The light inside the tent was dim, accentuating the man's bone structure, making it even more outstanding and profound; the few strands of white hair among his black hair made him look like a monstrous villain from a tale who feasts on human essence in the wilds.

Shen Shuangning did not answer; instead, she slightly lifted her face and actively gave him a kiss.

The soft touch landed on his lips, carrying her unique tenderness, which was his most direct response.

But Xiao Jingyuan merely stiffened, paused, then gently pushed her away; a flicker of complex emotion flashed in his eyes, and he ultimately did not draw closer, turning to get off the bed, intending to go out and calm down.

Seeing this, Shen Shuangning grabbed the soft pillow at the head of the bed and hurled it at his back, angrily saying, "Xiao Jingyuan, if you leave tonight, don't ever come back to my bed!"

Xiao Jingyuan then stopped, turned to look at her.

Shen Shuangning sat on the bed, her eyes fixed on him, her eye sockets slightly reddened, as if aggrieved to the extreme.

Seeing her like this, Xiao Jingyuan felt his heart as if clenched tightly by a hand, bloody, making each breath a piercing pain.

"What's wrong with you?" Shen Shuangning lowered her long lashes slowly, sounding very sorrowful, "You won't even leave me a thought?"

These days, Xiao Jingyuan's gentleness toward her had never lessened, yet that restraint became ever more obvious; he clearly desired her, yet he never dared to touch her.

Shen Shuangning could only explain it as him fearing his days were numbered; if he left a child, it would burden her later; if he had no child, after he was gone she could remarry and find a good family to live out her days in peace.

Xiao Jingyuan felt both pity and anguish; he could no longer conceal it from her.

He strode forward, pulling her into his chest with surprising force, his voice low and hoarse: "If my offspring were a monster, would you still be willing?"

Inside the tent, silence fell instantly, save for the sound of their overlapping breaths.

Shen Shuangning stared, startled, lifting her eyes to meet his phoenix eyes full of sorrow and unwillingness; she realized he was serious.

Shen Shuangning never expected that this would be the reason.

Her first reaction was heartache; she tightly embraced him.

Xiao Jingyuan's voice low and hoarse, his fingertips unconsciously tightening on her clothing, he closed his eyes and said, "The imperial physician had once hinted that the poison in my body might carry a hereditary risk; if I were to have a child with you, the child might inherit congenital toxin and suffer lifelong illness. So I dare not......"

How could he not want a child with her? He dreamed of it.

He even despicably hoped that, if he were to die, this child could keep her company and make her never forget him for the rest of her life.

But no, he could not be that selfish.

He had already tasted enough of illness and suffering; how could he let his child walk that same path? How could he let her bear the pain of losing a husband while also enduring day and night anguish over the child's illness?

Shen Shuangning could clearly feel his chest trembling and hear the choking in his voice.

"Sorry, I really am not good... If I had not provoked you in this life, you would probably have been very happy."

Xiao Jingyuan slowly knelt, burying his head in her lap, his tense shoulders trembling slightly.

"But Ningning, I only have you; please comfort me......"

Xiao Jingyuan's inner anguish and torment were almost overflowing.

Shen Shuangning felt uneasy inside; she lifted her hand and gently patted his back, her motion as tender as soothing a wounded beast, and whispered, "I love you; from now on we will stay together properly, and you must not torment yourself further."

The gauze tent fluttered, but not because of the wind.

That night, aside from not taking that final step, they did everything else intimate.

Shen Shuangning lay in his arms, only then truly realizing that, even with poison entwining his body and his demeanor restrained, he still had the ability to make her softly beg for mercy in her faint breaths.

In the end, she had no strength left to lift her hand; her fingers were so sore she didn't want to move a single one. Still, the man beside her, fearing she would catch a chill at night, personally put her inner garment on her.

The air was filled with a faint scent of mountain laurel.

Shen Shuangning saw that he had closed his eyes, his breathing even and long, and she felt somewhat relieved.

Mu Yu once said that Xiao Jingyuan now seemed to have opened the shackles that had bound him for twenty years; he appeared no different from ordinary people in daily life, but once he got caught in a dead end, he easily fell into negative emotions and could not escape, sinking deeper and deeper.

Xiao Jingyuan had exercised restraint for twenty years, and the string in his mind named 'reason' had also been taut for twenty years; once that string snapped, the consequences would be far more than merely 'hurting others'—he might first trap himself in an abyss.

Therefore, during this period she constantly tried to cheer him up, divert his attention, and even kept him under her watchful eye.

Soon after, Shen Shuangning fell into a drowsy sleep, her cheek still lightly resting on his broad chest.

Xiao Jingyuan, however, quietly opened his eyes in the dim light and turned his head to look at her.

The dim candlelight flickered in his pupils, clearly wavering.

In his view, outside the tent was a thick darkness, while only the face of the person in his arms was bright and gentle.

Like a beam of light, it steadily fell upon the most barren place in his heart.

He slowly raised his hand, stopping an inch from her cheek without touching it; a few strands of sweat-dampened hair clung to her cheek, and the flush rising on her face from emotion had not yet faded, like the most lovely peach blossoms of March.

A surge of intense emotion welled up in Xiao Jingyuan's heart; he felt happiness so great it seemed unreal, and he feared it was merely a dream.

Afraid that, upon waking, she would still be cold and lifeless.

Xiao Jingyuan dared not sleep; as soon as he dozed off, he would be plagued by nightmares, as if an invisible hand were dragging him back into the mire of the past—

One moment he was a child kneeling in the snow, the Yan consort's expression cold and cruel as she told him 'go die'; the next moment a horrific scene in Medicine King Valley; the next, his previous life's Shen Shuangning dying before his eyes, and he too wished to follow her—

He knew those were only dreams, yet he constantly feared that if he fell asleep, he would never wake again.

Thus, Xiao Jingyuan simply maintained the embrace, quietly watching her all night long.

The next morning, when Shen Shuangning woke, she instinctively recalled it, but her hair was being pressed down.

She turned her head and saw a face as finely carved as jade.

Xiao Jingyuan was still asleep.

Since he stopped handling affairs, he has been sleeping in every day, even discarding his former habit of rising early to practice.

Usually, when she woke, Xiao Jingyuan was still asleep, and he generally would not rise until the sun was high three poles; if he had eaten, he would also be forced to bring her to rest awhile.

Yet strangely, although he had clearly slept a long time, he sometimes gave the impression of being very tired, as if he hadn't slept enough.

At this moment, Shen Shuangning saw he was sleeping soundly and did not want to disturb his good dream; she was about to rise when his large hand pressed down on her shoulder.

"Don't go." His voice carried a hint of low, not-yet-awake heaviness.

He said this with his eyes closed, his face showing a deep weariness.

Shen Shuangning had no choice but to lie back down, asking softly, "Were you tired from last night?"

Only then did Xiao Jingyuan slowly open his eyes, looking rather displeased.

Shen Shuangning slowly realized that saying that was like playing with fire; just as she was about to explain, the man flipped over and got on top of her.

Xiao Jingyuan tore open one side of her collar and said with a smirk, "Your husband is a general; he won't tire even after three days and three nights."

Having said that, he lowered his head and sucked hard on a spot on her collarbone, leaving a red mark.

Shen Shuangning felt a bit of pain and whispered, "You... you be gentler."

Xiao Jingyuan released his mouth, gave her a deep look, but didn't get up; instead, he slid down beneath the covers.

Shen Shuangning blinked in surprise; by the time she realized what he intended, her face was flushed, and she hurriedly asked, "Aren't you going to sleep?"

The man's restrained voice came: "Who made you provoke me?"

Shen Shuangning's toes clenched tightly, and her breath instantly went ragged.

That day, Xiao Jingyuan disappeared, which was unusual.

He wasn't at his own manor, nor had he gone to the Residence of the Duke of Rong to play chess with his father-in-law; Shen Shuangning asked several servants, but none knew where the Duke of An had gone.

Shen Shuangning worried something might have happened to him, was about to go out to look, when she ran into Qing Yun, and only then learned what major event had occurred outside.

Great Liang and the Jurchen had been fighting for over a month, and finally there was a result.

The Jurchen State sent a surrender document, and Great Liang won.

Shen Shuangning couldn't help but feel happy; this was a good thing.

She laughed, then suddenly thought of something; her gaze fell on Qing Yun's slightly hesitant face, and she asked, "Has Xie Lin returned?"