Chapter 108: The Most Absurd Man in the Song Dynasty

~11 min read 2,036 words

Several days later, at a tavern near Daxiangguo Temple, Zhang Zhang Jie and the others were having a meal.

Red-hot charcoal burned beneath a copper pot, the white broth bubbling vigorously.

Thinly sliced mutton was dipped briefly into the boiling broth.

Dipped in sauce and swallowed, the flavors of the broth, the tender meat,

and the savory seasoning exploded on the tongue—utterly delicious.

"So satisfying, so satisfying!"

Li Gang was drenched in sweat from eating.

Before this feast, he abandoned his usual reserve, eating heartily with both hands.

"Indeed."

Zhang Zhang Jie, sitting across from him, nodded.

Not to mention that the mutton used by this tavern, famous throughout Bianliang, was top-grade,

nor that the chef's skill in preparing the broth and sauce was exceptional;

even just having meat at all was something their previous meals could never match.

The vegetarian meals at Daxiangguo Temple were tasty, and with wealthy and noble patrons streaming in,

the temple's offerings of incense money far surpassed those of any other temple in the Song.

The oil was poured generously, fattening every monk into a bloated mass.

But Daxiangguo Temple was still a temple, bound by monastic rules.

Zhang Zhang Jie didn't know whether the monks secretly ate meat—he hadn't investigated—but

the vegetarian meals served to visiting pilgrims contained not a trace of meat or animal fat.

After several days without meat, Zhang Zhang Jie, in the words of Li Kui, the Star of Heavenly Punishment,

"felt like his mouth was about to sprout birds!"

When he suggested going out for a feast, Li Gang and Wu Song eagerly agreed.

The group quickly settled on this well-known tavern to satisfy their meat cravings.

Once the food and wine arrived, chopsticks clashed in fierce competition.

Zhang Zhang Jie, humble as he was, relied on his sharp eyes and precise movements to claim first pick.

After three rounds of wine and five flavors of dishes, the group began casual conversation.

"Burp!"

Li Gang let out a drunken burp; after a few cups of wine with his food, he was already tipsy.

"Pathetic."

Zhang Zhang Jie, still sharp-eyed and alert, sneered at this weakling who loved to drink.

It was this man who complained that meat and dishes weren't enough without wine,

strongly insisting on ordering a jug—yet he, who drank the least, got drunk first.

Li Gang's servant, Xu San, was clearly used to his master's antics.

As soon as Li Gang began drinking, Xu San had already ordered a hangover soup from the tavern.

After one bowl of that soup, his master would soon be back to his usual self!

"Wu Er, how are our mounts doing?"

Zhang Zhang Jie, thinking of his little gray donkey that had carried him across the Song realm, asked with concern.

Since Daxiangguo Temple didn't provide horse or donkey services,

Zhang Zhang Jie had to leave his donkey and Wu Song's mule at a stable outside the city.

Why not leave them inside the city?

Because it's cheaper!

Bianliang had hundreds of thousands of permanent residents,

and after subtracting the vast imperial palace and the estates of nobles and officials,

there wasn't enough space left for people, let alone for donkeys and horses.

Even if a few stables existed, the space allotted to livestock was tiny and exorbitantly priced.

Though not short on funds, Zhang Zhang Jie, accustomed to frugality, still kept his donkey outside the city.

Zhang Zhang Jie: Even after reincarnation, I still possess the timeless Chinese trait—poverty!

Though his late, cheap father, Master Zhang, had left him a substantial inheritance,

even if he did nothing, he could live comfortably for life as long as no major disaster struck;

but after his divine power arrived and he planned to accomplish great things, that inheritance was no longer enough.

After all, overthrowing a dynasty and rebuilding a nation

would swallow mountains of gold and silver without even making a sound!

The Song court: Don't come near me!

…

That morning, Wu Song, worried about his beloved mule, had gone outside the city to check.

Wu Song drained his cup and replied cheerfully:

"Master, rest assured—our mounts are well cared for.

Your gray donkey, the owner says, just eats and sleeps, sleeps and eats—it's gotten noticeably fatter!"

Thinking of that lazy donkey always finding chances to nap, Zhang Zhang Jie smiled:

"When we return to Other Shandong, I'm going to put it on a strict diet!"

"Mmm!"

At the same moment, in the livestock pen of a stable outside the city,

a gray donkey gorging itself at the trough suddenly felt a chill down its back.

It lifted its head, alert, scanning the surroundings,

wondering if that troublesome peasant who had tormented it for months had come again.

"Mmm."

After looking left and right and seeing no sign of that pest who

constantly threatened to turn it into donkey meat buns,

the donkey lowered its head and went back to gorging.

Gray donkey: The fodder in Bianliang is excellent for donkeys~

At the tavern, after answering Zhang Zhang Jie's question, Wu Song scratched his head in confusion:

"Our mounts are fine, but what puzzles me is that

the stable is filled mostly with donkeys, not mules or horses."

"Hmm…"

Zhang Zhang Jie, upon hearing this, fell into thought.

He realized that during his recent tours of Bianliang, most of the large animals he'd seen were donkeys!

Bianliang wasn't a city of mules and horses—it was a city of donkeys!

Curious, Zhang Zhang Jie called over the serving boy:

"Boy, we're visitors from afar—why are there so many donkeys in Bianliang?"

The boy, thrilled by the question, beamed with gossip:

"Sir, you've asked the right person—others might not know,

but my family has lived here since the founding of Bianliang by our Great Ancestor."

"This story begins with our Song dynasty's Second Emperor.

He was defeated at Gaoliang River during his northern campaign.

In desperation, he lost his horse and had to use a donkey as a substitute."

"And you won't believe it—our Second Emperor and the Song dynasty were both destined by heaven.

Riding that donkey cart, he outran the Liao troops and escaped alive."

"Back in Bianliang, the Second Emperor was so grateful for the donkey's lifesaving service

that he couldn't reward it enough—he granted it the title of General,

and even gave it the right to choose any female donkey in Bianliang as its consort."

"Now, it's said that nearly all the donkeys around Bianliang are descendants of that divine donkey from a hundred years ago!"

The boy explained with glowing enthusiasm.

At the height of his tale, he even danced with excitement.

"Uh!"

Wu Song and Li Gang's servant Xu San were utterly stunned by this absurd tale.

What kind of wild legend is this?

Was the Second Emperor of Song and his donkey really this bizarre?

Zhang Zhang Jie, however, suddenly understood: Gaoliang River's legendary driver—Emperor Zhao Er, Zhao Zhao Guangyi!

"In the fourth year of Taiping Xingguo, Emperor Taizong, riding the momentum of his conquest of Northern Han,

led a hundred-thousand-strong Song army, undefeated and fierce, to campaign against the Liao, aiming to reclaim the Sixteen Prefectures of Youyun…"

At the Battle of Gaoliang River, the Song army of 100,000 was nearly annihilated by the Liao Southern Court Grand Prince Yelu Xiege with just 9,000 iron cavalry.

Yelü XiuGe's nine thousand iron cavalry were nearly annihilated!

Correct—since Sun Shiwan of the Three Kingdoms era, our Great Song now has its own Zhao Shiwan!

According to historical records: "The Taizong Emperor was struck by three arrows and fled alone in a donkey cart..."

Even a donkey cart outpaced cavalry—tell me who else could pull that off?

Even Genghis Khan, who conquered all of Eurasia, would have felt ashamed.

After all, in his early days, he was captured on horseback multiple times.

Even Liu Bang kicking his son off his cart during escape couldn't match Zhao Zhao Guangyi's speed.

Huo Qubing, who penetrated a thousand li into the desert and made the Xiongnu tremble at his name, broke into a sweat.

No one could fathom how this man ran so fast—on a donkey cart, no less.

A single donkey, made by Zhao Er to feel like a blood-sweating steed!

Even with an arrow in his thigh, his title of "Cart God" was fully deserved.

Yelü XiuGe must have been utterly baffled: he never imagined

his prized steeds could not catch up to a donkey.

Zhao Er: "A donkey cart covers three hundred li in one night—true to Great Song, true to you."

"Zhao Er driving the cart, Yuchi Jingde holding the spear, Li Er drawing the bow—

who in this world could stop them?"

"Yet beyond the Gaoliang River Cart God, Zhao Er had many other legends!"

Thinking of Zhao Er's life, Zhang Zhang Jie would call him the most legendary man of Great Song.

Titles like Gaoliang River Cart God, Donkey Cart War God, Song Cart Patriarch, Song Donkey Patriarch need no further elaboration.

Others include: Boss of the Axe Gang, Originator of the Nude Photo Scandal,

Ultimate Poison Master, Royal Family Reaper, Husband-Slayer, and more.

Boss of the Axe Gang: The night before Emperor Taizu Zhao Zhao Kuangyin died was shrouded in mystery,

driving countless historians and Song history enthusiasts to distraction.

The flickering candlelight and axe shadows left an eternal enigma surrounding the succession between Taizu and Taizong.

Husband-Slayer and Originator of the Nude Photo Scandal: After ascending the throne,

Zhao Zhao Guangyi summoned Li Yu, the last ruler of Southern Tang's wife, Xiao Zhouhou, to the palace.

He then refused to let her leave—not only did he drink and sing with her in unspeakable ways,

he also summoned palace painters to capture the intimate scene of him bedding Xiao Zhouhou.

Thus came the famous painting "The Emperor's Visit to Xiao Zhouhou."

Whether this was authentic history or a later fabrication remains to be uncovered.

Yet his title as Ultimate Poison Master was absolutely deserved:

Li Yu, the last ruler of Southern Tang, wrote a poem titled "Yu Meiren" yearning for his lost homeland,

the very lines found in 21st-century Chinese textbooks: "Can't bear to recall my homeland beneath the bright moon.

The carved railings and jade steps should still be there, but the rosy faces are gone.

Ask me how much sorrow I hold? It flows like spring water eastward."—a subtle expression of discontent.

Zhao Zhao Guangyi was just looking for an excuse to kill someone,

Li Yu drank the poison, then smashed his head against his own heels and died.

Royal Family Reaper: After ascending the throne, Zhao Zhao Guangyi's two nephews, Zhao Dezhao and Zhao Defang—sons of his brother Zhao Zhao Kuangyin—died young.

He treated his younger brother Zhao Tingmei with extreme harshness,

eventually exiling him to Fangzhou, where he died of depression.

His role in these events carries a deeply ominous significance.

Regarding Zhao Zhao Guangyi's life, Zhang Zhang Jie's description is:

"If someone has steel rods stuck in their head, must they be Sun Ce?