Chapter 126: The Dao of Farting

Xu Jia said, "Come to think of it, County Commandant Chen, you have actually been consorting with demons and monsters!"

"What? This official keeps himself clean and upright; how could I consort with demons and monsters? You fellow, looking so dignified and refined, like a proper scholar, how can you speak so offensively, splashing dirty water the moment you open your mouth?"

"Cuichun Pavilion is a brothel run by monsters," Xu Jia said. "You visit it often, surely you know that?"

"You're talking nonsense! How could I, this one, go to a place like Cuichun Pavilion? I am a reader of the Spring and Autumn Annals!"

Although County Commandant Chen said this, his eyes were darting back and forth.

But he still only said, "How can you prove that you are not a member of an Evil Sect?"

Xu Jia smiled and said, "County Commandant, have you forgotten who it was that reported the Evil Sect's altar to you last time?"

"Oh! I remember now, it was that fellow, the Criminal Official. He is a relative of your family, Niu Ercong. Eh? You were the one who exposed it?"

He thought for a moment; after all, to pass the Martial Scholar examination, one must have some grasp of martial strategy. This group of people certainly did not act in such a sneaky way; at least, they didn't look like it.

So he put away his bow and arrow: "You should have said so earlier! You should have said so earlier! I broke out in a cold sweat, thinking I was going to have to fight a bloody battle today."

He had indeed been startled; he hadn't intended to jump out at all, but had been hiding in the small woods observing.

It was mainly because of Chang Yu's size and ability to speak human language, which made his legs tremble, so he hadn't really wanted to come out.

As a result, Chang Yu exposed him, leaving him no choice but to come out for a confrontation; at the very least, he had to seize the "moral high ground" first.

But he still refused to get close, only saying, "Since you are not an Evil Sect, then it is none of my business, so I shall head down the mountain."

Just as he was about to retreat, Xu Jia said, "County Commandant, wait!"

"What?" The County Commandant's hand touched his bow again.

"Nothing, I just want to invite the County Commandant to join in suppressing the Evil Sect!"

"Hahaha! Join in suppressing an Evil God? Who? A wooden puppet or a clay statue?"

"Gods are still worshipped by people. Young man, I am an official, and I govern people."

Xu Jia said softly, "The official is right, but as for gods and ghosts, one must think and weigh things for oneself. At the very least, the Evil God's clay statue is standing here, and whether those Evil Sect followers are good citizens or rebellious traitors, it still depends on how they are governed."

"You are quite bold, daring to lecture me on how to do my job?"

Xu Jia said, "This is not me teaching you; this is what Mengzi said."

"Hiss." County Commandant Chen gasped; this child was truly terrifying.

I don't care about your Kongzi or Mengzi; I'll slap you until your earwax flies out.

He laughed, "You are quite interesting. To be spouting these things to me at a time like this, I am actually starting to believe a little that you are the leader of the Evil Sect."

Xu Jia:? How did I become the leader of the Evil Sect again?

"Your words carry a certain flippancy meant to lower my guard. If it were an ordinary person, wouldn't they be deceived by you?"

Xu Jia said, "County Commandant, don't head down the mountain just yet!"

"Are you threatening me?"

"It is not a threat, but a heaven-sent fortune."

"What fortune?" Xu Jia said, "Promotion and wealth."

Just then, Chang Yuying and Chang Yu'e had already arrived, carrying a dwarf in their mouths.

This dwarf was short, with a face like a child's, but covered in wrinkles. At this moment, he was leaking, and his crotch was stained yellow.

The two little ghosts stepped forward: "Great Immortal, we've caught him, we've caught him!"

Chang Yuying threw the dwarf down in disgust. The dwarf rolled around, hit the wall, spat out a mouthful of blood, and began to play dead.

Xu Jia pointed at the dwarf and said, "This is the merit!"

"This shorty?"

"Hu Jinhua, bewitch him!"

Upon hearing this, the dwarf immediately tried to bite off his tongue.

The result was a stinky fart from Huang Pipo, which knocked the man unconscious.

His whole body felt numb and tingling.

Many Daoists, including Xu Jia, pinched their noses: "Huang Pipo is still the most formidable."

Huang Pipo smiled shyly: "Thank you for the praise, Dharma Lord."

"This fart of mine is no ordinary fart; it requires three years of eating radishes, three years of soybeans, three years of chives, and another three years of brewing—twelve years of effort to gestate."

"Alright." Several Daoists felt nauseous just listening: "This Yellow Immortal, you don't need to reveal the secret recipe."

Xu Jia, however, praised: "You can continue to research it—chili farts, smoke-cured farts, numbing farts, refreshing farts... to take farting to the extreme can also be considered a mastery of the Fart Dao."

This time, Huang Pipo was truly convinced, feeling as if she had "met a soulmate in the high mountains and flowing water."

However, it was unlikely that Huang Pipo would fart and Xu Jia would smell it, yet he could always grasp the meaning and know the method...

Seeing that these monsters were so "rustic" and unconventional, and that the magic they practiced was not bloody or terrifying, but rather of the excrement and fart variety, County Commandant Chen roughly determined that they were indeed not Evil Sect monsters; otherwise, they would be far too lacking in prestige.

He completely let down his guard: "What do you want me to do?"

"Endorse us."

"I've never been good at memorizing books since I was a child. Farewell!"

Xu Jia shook his head; this was another one who didn't like to read, but he said, "It means for the County Commandant to use your status to endorse us, not to memorize a text."

"So that's it; if something happens, I'll take the blame, right?"

"Not entirely; after all, if we achieve merit, you will have a share in it too."

"Fine." County Commandant Chen thought for a moment. Dealing with these people was better than dealing with his idiot superiors. Besides, these were "extraordinary people"; they could subdue three such large snakes, and there was that old hag who could fart and bewitch people—they were much more capable than the local militia he had recruited.

"Let's see what kind of methods you have." County Commandant Chen walked over to look, seeing Xu Jia's cursive script which looked like dragon and phoenix patterns, and barely recognized a few characters: "What does this mean?"

"It is a manifesto to crusade against the Evil God of the Longevity Sect," Xu Jia said. "It's just that we are all commoners without official status, so this manifesto is always lacking something."

"I see. Since it is a crusade manifesto, then write my Daimyo name on it!"

He grabbed a brush, scribbled the three large characters "Chen Xiongda," then took a seal from his waist, spat on it, and stamped it.

Xu Jia observed from the Dharma Realm that after County Commandant Chen stamped it, Dragon-Tiger Profound Qi was born; this was the power of the imperial court's laws.

With the power of the imperial court's laws, this sacrificial text of deposition now had official endorsement; although the County Commandant did not have the qualifications to depose a True God, if he branded the True God a "heretical god," the Licentious Offering would fall under his jurisdiction.

"Done!" County Commandant Chen chuckled, "How is this?"

"Perfect!" Xu Jia pointed to a jar of wine there, "Come, brave warrior, please drink; later I will open the Heavenly Eye for the County Commandant. Once you have drunk the wine and bolstered your courage, you won't be trembling all over when you see the true form of the Mountain God."

"Bullshit! This official is a dignified Martial Scholar, how could I be scared? Even just now, seeing those few large pythons only made me hesitate a little."

"However, having wine to drink is good; wine is the essence of grain, the more you drink, the greater your strength!"

(End of this chapter)