Chapter 135

I generally don't think about women; thinking about women hurts the kidneys.

Coming out of the Linyin Restaurant, my footsteps began to stagger. I refused Huang Weiwei's kind offer to send me off, only very politely saying goodbye to Minister Huang and his wife. Once outside, I lit a cigarette and prepared to wander the night sky of this city like a lonely ghost.

The streetlights were all lit. After the speakers in several fashion stores had sung their hearts out all day, they began to play listless love songs, adding much ambiguity to the dim night. The night is ambiguous; it is a time to tidy up the day's mood, a moment to curl up in a small corner and lick one's wounds. Crowds of people walked on the street, and no one looked at me. I was like a seashell abandoned on the beach, lonely, waiting for the tide to take me into the deep sea.

The newly planted trees by the street hung their heads; the original French plane trees that filled the city were gone without a trace. These newly planted trees were like new brides, looking shyly at this city, trying hard to stretch their bodies in the night sky shivering with spring cold, just like a new bride lying on the bed in the bridal chamber, waiting for her husband to bring nervous sweetness.

Having left this city for more than four years, I felt I could no longer recognize its appearance. Four years ago, it was like an old woman with a hunched back, looking quietly at the child in her arms with a face full of wrinkles. Now, it looked exactly like a woman who had just entered the ways of the world, wearing makeup, posing, and staring at the changes in her body, eager to try; although painful, she was happy.

The street, lacking the cover of French plane trees, was like a fish exposed on the beach. The flowing car lights on the street were like blood flowing in exposed blood vessels, crushing the city's image into pieces. I was like a grain of sand, mixed in the bustling crowd, walking aimlessly.

I said, I generally don't think about women; thinking about women hurts the kidneys!

But now I must think about women; I want to take out my kidneys and dismember them.

Minister Huang's form, which was not angry but imposing, had fully explained that he could be humble enough to have his whole family dine with me; the meaning was self-evident. I didn't know what exactly Huang Weiwei saw in me? Just because Guo Wei had a girlfriend before her? Just because Huang Qishan was not good with words? And I, apart from a rare composure, was actually very dull.

Having a woman take a fancy to you is a kind of happiness, even a kind of pride. Proud people are often those who fall the hardest; sometimes they don't even have a place to be buried. And Huang Weiwei's favor made me proud for a moment. Thinking of Guo Wei and Huang Qishan racking their brains to love a woman, who could have expected that I would be the fisherman who gains the benefit in the end? Happiness came too suddenly, and I was at a loss.

I suddenly discovered that I was a promiscuous person! It was as if I were willing to love all the women in the world. I was also the man least able to resist temptation; when desire came, I simply ignored the existence of rules.

From meeting Jin Ling in Suxi Township four years ago to the family dinner where Huang Weiwei almost confessed, I calculated the women in my life over the past few years, and I was shocked by the count.

Wu Qian was the first woman in my life; we became man and woman from ignorant youths on the same day, but I couldn't hold onto her. She drifted away from my eyes like a kite with a broken string. And Jin Ling was like a pretty young woman who came through the rain on a rainy night, tempting me, an old monk under the ancient Buddha and green lamp. The evil fate that blossomed was as bright as a poppy. We both knew it was poisonous, but neither of us could refuse her temptation.

Pan Xiaoqin and Xi Meizhu were like two trickling mountain streams, clear and transparent, pure and spiritual, making one unable to bear letting go, and even less wanting to destroy the purity of the water. They flowed all day long, washing away the dirt remaining in our hearts, making one pure without knowing it. I seemed to be a stone in the mountain stream; I must stand tall in the middle of the water for a thousand years. After they rushed around me for a while, they would eventually flow away, gathering into a big river and heading into the distance.

Yue Bai's shadow appeared in my mind. This woman who refused to submit to fate finally completed a change in status after struggling for many years. And this change made her lose the person most worth entrusting her life to. I didn't know if she was worth it; I only felt that when we were as close as water and milk, the words she murmured made my whole body feel as uncomfortable as if pricked by needles. "Big Bull, Big Bull," she murmured, her ten fingers digging into the flesh on my back, making me suddenly see my own baseness and insignificance at the edge of excitement. Her miserable crying like rain hitting pear blossoms while lying in the quilt made my heart feel as painful as if stabbed by a knife. Although she loved me very much, she could clearly know that I didn't belong to her; I was just a station in her life, a place where she could rest when she was tired.

Liu Hongyan, romantic as a mountain flower, was once a ray of sunshine in my bitter life in the countryside. I woke up in the middle of many nights, lying in the pitch-black room, quietly listening to her soft breathing coming from next door. She was like an epiphyllum; before I could smell her quiet fragrance, she withered in the dawn of late autumn.

These women had all once camped in the depths of my soul, and they brought me much comfort. In my bitter rural life, they were like a cup of mellow wine, and also like flowers, accompanying me through countless dawns and nights, and also letting me see the light when I was lonely to death. They were also like milky moonlight, spread before my bed, letting a restless heart find direction in the quiet night.

Only Xue Bing, a daughter as clear as water, like a trumpet creeper, floated in the sky of my life.

Thinking of every bit of us, my heart felt as painful as if twisted by a knife. This woman who entrusted herself to me—what can I use to love you now?

I wanted to save our love, but facing Huang Weiwei's calm smiling face, facing Minister Huang's inscrutability, I felt powerless; I was almost collapsing from myself!

Women are an important half of life!

Muttering this sentence, I was like a wanderer, as if I had no relatives in this city.

And what brought all this about had nothing to do with myself. I understand!

I began to examine myself. My height is not majestic, and my face is not handsome. I just have regular features and an open heart. A person's temperament does not depend on the beauty of their appearance, but on personal cultivation and conversation, and on this person's courage and insight. I am not a very excellent person, but I have many excellent temperaments. Just as Aunt said about me, a man with a very ordinary appearance, but from head to toe, exudes a masculine charm that women cannot refuse!

Perhaps it is this invisible and intangible masculine charm that makes these women obsessed, to the point that even now, the small boss Pan Xiaoqin still hints to me that as long as I need it, she is my person at any time!

But can I? I cannot let a delicate flower suffer any destruction, just like Meizhu, whom I peeked at; my heart only wandered outside her beautiful body, not daring to go deep into the place where I would lose myself.

The neon lights on the rooftops in the distance lit up, just like the eyes of this city, looking down at the common people beneath us, watching the joys, sorrows, partings, and reunions of the world, and enjoying all things in spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

Huang Weiwei's call came in. I hesitated for a moment and pressed the power-off button.

After walking for a while, my feet began to float. I knew the alcohol was starting to take effect. Good liquor has its effect later, making people drunk without knowing it, and drunk in a complete mess.

I wanted to find a bed when I entered the land of drunkenness, a bed that would allow me to stretch myself out.

I couldn't go home, couldn't go to Yue Bai's place, couldn't go find Meizhu, and even less could I go to the Huang Weiwei's house of high officials and noble families. I thought of Aunt, the woman who watched me grow up wearing split-crotch pants, the woman who could sacrifice her life to protect me, the woman who could give me infinite security.

Power on, dial, it rang for a long time, and finally I heard Aunt's tired voice.

"Haven't gone back yet?"

"I'm drunk, Aunt."

"Where are you?"

I looked up at my surroundings; without knowing it, I had almost walked to the bottom of her building. I said, "Come quickly; I'm not far from your house."

I found a corner of a flower bed, sat down, held my head with both hands, and waited for my aunt, who was like a flower, to come over.