Chapter 346: Comical

"Captain of the Palace Guard, I've heard the bronze colossi in Xianyang Palace are ten times my height — is that true?"

Heifu turned his head to look at You Zhan, who was riding in the same carriage. The man stood barely over five chi, a congenital dwarf with stubby limbs, yet he sported an exaggerated handlebar moustache above his lip, which only made him look more comical.

He did not answer the dwarf's question directly, instead gazing at the commoners lining the road through Xianyang. They had long grown accustomed to imperial processions; apart from bowing and making obeisance, they showed little astonishment. They were, in fact, more curious about the little dwarf bouncing about on Heifu's carriage.

"It seems the common folk are no less interested in you than in the bronze colossi of the palace."

You Zhan stood on the carriage rail, waving to the people by the roadside and making faces at the children, all while laughing. "Of course the people of Xianyang are curious. For someone like me to survive in Qin is a miracle no less remarkable than those bronze colossi."

Heifu was well-versed in the laws and understood his meaning. Qin law strictly forbade commoners from killing their own children; violators would be tattooed and sentenced to hard labor as wall-builders or grain-pounders. Yet it also stipulated that if a newborn bore abnormalities or had incomplete limbs, killing it would not be punished...

Xunzi once said that the Qin people's way of rearing their populace was harsh and narrow, and their use of the people was cruel and severe. The brutal conditions of survival meant ordinary households could not tolerate the existence of an idle mouth to feed.

Thus, walking the main streets of Xianyang, one rarely saw those with congenital disabilities, and dwarfs were virtually nonexistent. It was not that the Qin race was superior, but that such people were almost invariably killed at birth!

But You Zhan was an exception. His parents were kind-hearted folk whose family circumstances were tolerable; they did not drown him in the chamber pot but let him live on in good health.

When he grew up, You Zhan stood only five chi tall. He could not take up farming, craftsmanship, trade, or scholarship, so he had to blaze a different trail. He went to Xianyang and apprenticed under entertainers who had come from Qi and Chu to Qin to make a living, learning the arts of jest and comical diversion.

Entertainers existed in every state. Their primary duty was to serve as household retainers, amusing lords and kings at banquets with witty and comical speech. Life was hard; as a dwarf, he could only make himself versatile and multi-talented.

You Zhan had a silver tongue. After years of scraping by in Xianyang, he became the First Emperor of Qin's favorite entertainer. Whenever there was a banquet, the Emperor often had him attend to crack jokes, liven up the atmosphere, and provide amusement.

Today, the twelve bronze colossi were being installed in Xianyang Palace, and the Emperor was holding a feast in the palace to celebrate the occasion, so he had brought You Zhan along as well...

Yet today, You Zhan did not ride in the carriage the Emperor had bestowed upon him. Instead, he trotted on his short legs to the palace gate and waited. When the imperial procession passed by, the little man ran out to beg forgiveness, saying his charioteer's mother had died of illness, so he had sent the man home.

At that moment, he rolled up his sleeves, pointed at the position of Zhao Gao, Prefect of the Palace Chariots, and said with utter seriousness, "Your servant has lately been diligently practicing the art of charioteering. Would Your Majesty not allow your servant to drive the six steeds? What say you?"

This made the Emperor laugh. With a wave of his hand, he ordered Heifu, the Captain of the Palace Guard at the front, to haul the little fellow onto the carriage and give him a ride.

Heifu did not consider this a humiliation, for he had a rather good impression of You Zhan. Though the little man's trade was comedy, he was unlike vulgar, common entertainers. He had read some books, could distinguish good from evil and loyal from treacherous, and his words often carried hidden wisdom.

The month before, the Emperor had held a wine banquet at Zhangtai Palace. It happened to be raining, and below the palace steps, Heifu and his company of shield-bearing guardsmen were all drenched in the rain, yet forbidden to move a muscle. When You Zhan entered the palace and saw this, he asked them, "Gentlemen, would you like to get out of the rain?"

The men, soaked and miserable, all nodded. Heifu knew he could not enter the hall to request a rest, and aware that You Zhan was full of schemes, he wanted to see what trick the man could pull.

Having received their affirmative answer, You Zhan ascended the hall to toast the First Emperor's health, shouting "Long live Your Majesty!" Then You Zhan drew near the railing and shouted loudly toward the outside of the hall: "Shield-bearing guardsmen!"

The guardsmen answered, and You Zhan laughed, saying, "Though you are all tall and big, what use is it? Now you must stand out in the open, drenched in rain. Though I am short and small, I am fortunate enough to shelter from the rain inside the hall. Hahaha."

These words reminded the First Emperor, who then permitted the guardsmen to halve their shifts and take turns standing sentinel.

From that time on, Heifu no longer regarded You Zhan as a mere favored entertainer.

Not long after the imperial carriage crossed the Wei Bridge, Xianyang Palace came into view.

"Is this the Captain's first time at Xianyang Palace?" You Zhan was a regular here; compared to him, Heifu was a newcomer.

Heifu replied, "Indeed. In the four months since I entered the palace as a guardsman, this is the first time His Majesty has moved his carriage to Xianyang Palace, so I have not yet had the honor of coming here."

"There is nothing honorable about it."

You Zhan laughed. "Xianyang Palace was built a hundred years ago. Those watchtowers are all old and decrepit. That is why His Majesty prefers Zhangtai Palace and finds Xianyang Palace cramped and narrow."

Heifu nodded. "Still, I've heard that over the past few months, Xianyang Palace has undergone considerable expansion."

The alchemists from Qi and Yan, men like Master Lu, had advised the First Emperor, saying that heaven and earth correspond symmetrically. The celestial abode of the Heavenly Emperor corresponded to the various palaces, cities, and towns within the Pass. The Wei River was akin to the Silver River; Zhangtai Palace, where His Majesty resided, was the celestial pole; and Xianyang Palace, reached by crossing the Wei Bridge and traversing the Heavenly River, corresponded to the Purple Tenuity Palace — the very dwelling of the Thearch...

The First Emperor believed their words and began to place renewed importance on Xianyang Palace, undertaking its renovation.

And today, with the twelve bronze colossi cast and placed in the court of Xianyang Palace, the successful completion of the first phase of Xianyang Palace's renovation was proclaimed.

"But His Majesty's desires do not stop there..."

You Zhan shook his head. As a close attendant, he too knew the Emperor's next plans.

The First Emperor had ordered the construction of the "Palace of the Six Kings," modeled after and imitating the palaces of the six kingdoms. As the six states fell one after another, these structures had risen behind Xianyang Palace, filled to bursting with the women, treasures, and ritual vessels seized from those kingdoms. This could be seen as the second phase of the project, already half complete.

That was one thing, but the First Emperor's ultimate goal was to create a "Heavenly Kingdom on Earth" within the Pass, adding and expanding palaces everywhere. From Yongmen eastward to the Jing and Wei rivers, halls and chambers, covered walkways, and encircling pavilions would be arrayed in profusion, made to correspond one by one with the constellations of the sky! One could well imagine the labor force such a colossal project would require; the number of conscripts levied each year would likely be no less than before unification.

As they spoke, the Outer Guard Prefect defending Xianyang Palace opened the heavy main gates. Under the command of Meng Yi, Heifu and the other guard carriages took the lead, galloping in first to secure the perimeter.

As the carriage entered the city gate, the first thing Heifu saw was a vast square. The flagstone-paved ground was perfectly level, and a central axial avenue led straight from the Marshal's Gate to the main hall of Xianyang Palace.

And flanking the road stood twelve colossal bronze figures, towering as if they could prop up the sky!

Each was five zhang tall, roughly equivalent to eleven meters in later times — the height of a four-story building — and they were posed in a kneeling, seated posture of submission.

The first six bronze colossi wore the garments of foreign tribes, their features unlike those of the Xia people. After counting them off, Heifu realized that apart from the five-zhang giant with the high nose and deep-set eyes who had appeared in Lintao, the rest corresponded respectively to the Western Rong, Eastern Yi, Southern Man, the Xiongnu of the Northern Di, and the Yue people.

The latter six were the six kings of Qi, Chu, Yan, Han, Zhao, and Wei. Their faces were strikingly lifelike, each bearing an expression of deference and submission, their attire and bearing all different — like terracotta warriors magnified seven or eight times over...

The difference was that the terracotta warriors were meant to guard the Emperor's mausoleum, whereas these twelve bronze colossi symbolized the submission of the six kingdoms and the four barbarian tribes.

Viewed individually, they did not stir much feeling, but when the twelve were arrayed along the road, their metallic sheen reflecting the sunlight, and one remembered that this was 221 BC, they truly felt like a miracle...

The Colossus of Rhodes, the Pyramids, the Lighthouse of Alexandria — in the West of the same era, miracles also stood in profusion. This, too, was a common affliction of classical empires.

"So tall, so huge."

You Zhan tilted his head back dramatically in Heifu's carriage, gazing at the twelve bronze colossi that were ten times his height, then sighed with emotion. "A pity, though! Huge but useless! Nothing more than objects that harm the state and exhaust the people!"

Heifu shot the little man a surprised glance. You Zhan grinned broadly. "Is the Captain wondering why a mere entertainer, one who makes his living through jest and comedy, would say such a thing?"

You Zhan dropped his comical act and grew serious. "The matter of the Captain's earlier memorial to His Majesty has already spread. On the surface, it seemed merely a suggestion to melt down a thousand sharp swords to forge a throne for the sovereign, but in truth, it was a reminder to His Majesty that winning the realm was not easy, and keeping it is even harder!"

"I grasped the meaning behind your words. You were urging His Majesty that rather than issuing massive labor levies and gathering the strength of a hundred thousand men to cast twelve bronze colossi, it would be better to cast a throne that is difficult to sit upon, to remind the Emperor and his descendants never to forget hardship. Such painstaking intent!"

Heifu was somewhat astonished. Had this You Zhan gotten something wrong?

"You, sir, are also the first courtier in the entire court to dare speak plainly and remonstrate on this matter! You should be a model for us all!"

You Zhan bowed deeply toward Heifu, his eyes filled with admiration.

Heifu was instantly speechless. It had only been a transmigrator's mischievous whim, but to his surprise, afterward, Cheng Shang of the Qin Mohists had specifically sought him out to thank him, saying he had not expected Heifu to actually submit the remonstrance — a pity His Majesty had not heeded it. It had left Heifu utterly baffled.

Now, hearing You Zhan's words, Heifu thought back and realized that by sheer accident, it really did look like a clever remonstrance!

"Could it be that the Ancestral Dragon thought the same, and that's why he rejected my proposal?"

Heifu did not know whether this was a blunder that turned out well or a clever move that backfired. He had wanted to explain, "I didn't... it wasn't..." But You Zhan seemed greatly inspired and gave him no chance to explain.

"Though I, You Zhan, am but an entertainer and dare not compare myself to Yan Ying or Chunyu Kun of Qi, I can still learn from You Meng of King Zhuang of Chu's time!"

These three were all figures who had used witty speech to remonstrate, and they were his idols.

With that, the dwarf struck a comical pose once more and went bouncing and hopping past the feet of the twelve bronze colossi, running toward the First Emperor's carriage. Beneath the gigantic bronze figures, the tiny dwarf stumbled and tottered as he ran, a sight of pure absurdity.

When the Emperor descended from the carriage, hands clasped behind his back, gazing with satisfaction at the first wonder he had erected, he asked You Zhan whether the Twelve Golden Men were magnificent. You Zhan laughed and said, "Excellent! These Twelve Golden Men are so tall and grand. With them guarding Your Majesty, should any foe come from outside the palace, the mere sight of these Golden Men would send them fleeing in terror. There would be no need for gentlemen-guards or night sentinels at the palace gates!"

"This subject has also heard that Your Majesty wishes to construct great palaces, east to Hangu Pass and west to Yong and Chencang. That would be even more wonderful. In that case, soldiers would not need to guard Hangu Pass or Wu Pass. Should any foe come from the east, Your Majesty could simply have the palace ladies and consorts take up bows and arrows, ride deer, and drive goat-carts to block them at every palace hall!"

Heifu happened to be passing by just then. Hearing these words and seeing the Emperor's expression darken considerably, his heart tightened. He quickly stepped forward with a smile to smooth things over, saying, "Your Majesty, You Zhan's own legs went weak with fright, which is why he spoke such words."

Qin Shi Huang's mood had been spoiled, and he was deeply displeased, yet he did not wish to argue with a loose-tongued dwarf.

How could a petty jester possibly understand the profound meaning behind his erecting the Golden Men — symbolizing the realm united under one, the Six Kingdoms and the surrounding barbarians all submitting, and eternal peace without warfare throughout the Nine Provinces?

So he rebuked him: "Nonsense! The world is settled, the Six Kings have all submitted, peace reigns inside and outside the passes, and the black-headed commoners drink freely in celebration. From where would any foe come?"

He was about to flick his sleeve and order Heifu to drag the man away and expel him from the palace, but unexpectedly, among the crowd coming down the steps from the main hall of Xianyang Palace to greet them, the leader — a jade-faced young gentleman dressed entirely in plain white deep robes with jade pendants hanging at his waist, standing out like a crane among chickens in a sea of black robes — had also heard You Zhan's remonstrance.

He gritted his teeth, ignored the attempts of a certain attendant beside him to stop him, stepped forward several paces, and prostrated himself, saying:

"Your Majesty, though the jester's words are crude, they hold reason. Your child has been reading lately and came upon the words of Master Mozi: 'He who shares the world's benefits with all shall gain the world. He who monopolizes the world's benefits shall lose the world!' Now that the world is newly settled and the black-headed commoners of distant lands have not yet gathered to us, Your Majesty should share the world's benefits with all. You must not monopolize the world's benefits and suddenly launch great construction projects!"

Having spoken, he raised his head, revealing a refined face like jade. He was seventeen or eighteen years of age, yet his eyes already held a compassionate, sorrowful expression.

"Fusu risks death to speak boldly. I do not ask that Your Majesty remove the Golden Men, but I do hope Your Majesty can halt the construction of the palaces within the Passes and let the people rest!"

(End of Chapter)