Chapter 111: Side Story 5: The Conflicts of an Emperor

It was a long and dangerous trip, but finally, they were home. Helga threw herself over the edge of her boat, feeling the land between her feet once more. Her stomach had a noticeable bulge to it but she didn’t let it stop her. She had one clear goal now that she was back. The uniting of her home, underneath her. Every squabbling jarl, king, and warrior would be placed under her foot. Only when that was complete would she return back to Alfred.

She had a large army of loyal soldiers, food for the people who suffered the cold winter, and riches they couldn’t imagine. They needed her more than she did them. She knew it would be a long and annoying process but that it was inevitable for them to follow her. She looked back at the fleet that loaded themselves into the docks and smiled.

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Alfred woke in a sweat. His breathing was heavy but he took deep breaths to calm himself. He looked down at Isra who still quietly slept and gently left the bed, not wishing to wake her. His eyes were cold and annoyed as he dressed himself in light clothing, but ones that would not bring shame onto his status. He awoke like this from time to time and couldn’t return to sleep when he did. Opening and closing the door quietly he walked through the dark halls of his Palace.

He was followed by one of the Royal Guard who worked the night shift. He didn’t know why but today he felt himself being pulled to the throne room. He walked through the quiet halls that usually would be filled with the noise of servants talking and working. He brushed his hand along the wall, walking in silence, before arriving in front of the large double doors. He pushed the open sending echoes down the silent halls.

At the end of his vision, he saw his throne. The moonlight breaking through the window encased it, creating a mystical glow around it, as if the throne was meant for a higher being and not him. He walked over, his footsteps filling the entire room with each step. He climbed the steps up to it and placed his hand on its firm armrest. He felt the soft cushions embedded into it. He saw as the gems fused into it glowed from the moonlight.

Taking a seat he looked down at the throne room. He saw as his royal guard take a place by his side without talking. He saw visions begin to play within the moonlight. He saw his coronation as king, the arrest of the Duke of Aragon, The Night of the Long Knives, and his second small coronation as emperor. He saw as the shadows in the moonlight played these out for him.

He could still see the faces of all those he killed during that purge. The horror, fear, disbelief, and anger they all felt. He saw their faces and wondered if he needed to spill so much blood.’I have taken so much from others and yet lose my mind when Isuffer.’He thought about what had woken him up. That face full of evil and selfish desire. The thing that stripped him of all his dignity.

Was it karma for everything he had done? All the lives he had controlled the fate of. Was it retribution for his sins, his arrogance? How many times had he questioned himself about this and yet ended up with nothing? He wished Sol was real in these moments. He wanted to ask a higher being if he was right to feel the way he did. Did he have the right to?

He fell into his hand, his tired eyes glaring through his fingers.’No.’In his mind, he firmly answered himself.’I’m right. I must be. I have the right to also feel these things.’

’But can I complain about it?’He asked himself the second question. And to that, he didn’t know how to answer. He had every right to feel angry, disgusted, regretful, or anything. But did he have a right to openly complain or act differently? It was something he didn’t know. If he did then would he be a hypocrite when he cared not for others’ complaints about his actions? Would he be one if he did not listen to those complaints yet wished for people to care about his?

"This is stupid." A second voice spoke to him as the shadows that had danced in front of him formed into a smoky figure of himself. "Why should you care about hypocrisy." The shadow figure walked up the steps standing in front of him. Its voice trailed with each word, lingering around the throne room. Alfred looked back to find his guard missing. He was confused. "Why must you care so much about how people perceive you? You wish for Isra to see you as the perfect man, fearing her rejection. You want the peasants to see you as a kind and caring leader. You want the nobles to fear you; your inner circle to worship and honor you."

The finger poked into his chest, slipping through it. "Your life is not yours alone. Throw away all these useless feelings you have. You have a job. Only that matters." The shadowy figure lifted its hand out his chest and hovered in front of his eyes. Alfred watched as its fingers slowly inched closer, threatening to gouge out his eyes.

In his fear, he shot up from the throne. His breathing was heavy and he looked around. He could hear the guard behind him move reaching for the sword, thinking something had happened, and Alfred finally calmed down.’Just a dream.’He chuckled to himself realizing this and got up. He needed fresh air and looked to the skylight above. Slowly he made his way to the garden.

The garden that glows brightly during the day was a new sight at night. The flowers that radiated with life seemed closed off now. The sound of birds was nowhere to be heard, replaced by a silent breeze. He walked along, looking at his garden. It was beautiful but something he didn’t care for. Simply just existing for the sake of it.

He followed the path to the canopy. The one where he finally told Isra the truth. With a sad smile, he decided to take a seat. The silence was peaceful and the moonlight was gentle. He closed his eyes once more, the smell of flowers seemingly having a calming effect. He wondered why it was the case and took a deep breath.’Ah. It’s much like Isra’s perfume.’He smiled peacefully, breathing in the pleasant smells.

What felt like hours passed and his eyes shot open. "Are you finally awake?" A gentle motherly voice spoke to him from his right. His head turned seeing a being of moonlight take the shape of a woman. She walked closer towards Alfred and with each step a puddle of moonlight formed. In front of the young man, he saw her face. It was a blank canvas with no features, yet he could still tell it was smiling at him warmly.

"Why do you fight with yourself so much." Her voice spoke, gently guiding itself into his ears. She was patient watching Alfred figure out how to respond.

"Because." He paused. "I don’t know. I am Emporer. I am to rule and decide the fate of thousands. I must make the hard choices when no one wishes to. I must be ready to do everything. But I am also a teacher. Each time my hand is dipped in blood I have failed. I am meant to be a guide. I am meant to be the one who teaches them why history can’t be repeated. And yet I do it anyway." He paused taking another deep breath. "How can I live like this and then complain when I suffer? Why can’t I have someone who guides me? Why must I be the one to guide myself? I didn’t want to come to this world. You took me from my old life and forced me to live like this. You forced me to survive. You made me a killer."

His voice was erratic and his breathing heavy. "Tell me. Why am I forced to live like this? Why did I have to go through that? Why must I face a future full of uncertainty? TELL ME?" His final words were a scream. One that came from the very core of his being.

He saw as drops of moonlight fell from the empty face in front of him. "The world is an unfair place. Those who are good can suffer whilst those who are evil can rise. You are neither good nor bad. You are a victim but also a tyrant." She grabbed Alfred’s shoulder and turned him around. An endless shadow stretched. Alfred saw in it, dark hands from an abyss that tried and claw their way out only to be dragged back in. At the end of it, he saw the same shadowy figure from the throne room.

"You have brought misery upon so many. Your shadow is as dark as your light." The kind voice stopped turning his head away from the endless shadow. "You must come to grips with the reality of your being. You are neither good nor bad. You have the right of every being to feel the injustice of this world, the same way you must understand their strife."

"SILENCE!" From behind he heard the distorted voice of the shadow. "The Gods brought you here and refused to tell you why. They forced you to become someone who you taught others, should be stopped. You just wanted to survive. You have no purpose in this world other than your promise. You don’t deserve to suffer. You are already the greatest victim of them all."

"But what if there is a reason?" The motherly voice spoke. "A reason beyond his promise. What if he is someone who is here to save this world? Lead this world? Or guide it? What if he has been led astray?"

"No. He has only survived because of Little Alfred. And Little Alfred has only survived because of him. You two alone are the only ones who can judge each other. You are the only ones who don’t deserve to suffer." The voice said cruelly getting a shake from the head of the woman.

"And what of Isra and Edward? Do they deserve to suffer? Do they deserve to suffer because you are unable to cope? Must you put her through even more pain? She has stuck by your side through everything. She has been the balance in your life and you do not return the same respect."

"SHE CAN’T UNDERSTAND EVEN A FRACTION OF IT!" The shadow cut in from the back.

"Each day you suffer she does as well. She watches as you fight yourself within your mind. She cries because of your pain. She tries to heal you and yet you don’t wish to be fully healed."

"What do you mean? You say I want to wake up in my sleep. I love to have memories of being violated." Alfred spoke after a long time. His voice was in disbelief. The moonlight woman lifted her finger and pointed to the far back of his shadow.

"No. You want to be rid of it. But a part of you wishes to use it. Use it as justification. As a reason to punish this world. You want others to know of your pains and injustice. You ask yourself over and over if you deserve to feel the way you do. You do. But you can’t let it consume you. You can never be rid of it. So you must let yourself heal."

"She is wrong. You don’t deserve it you mu...." Its voice trailed going quiet.

Alfred’s head fell. He could feel himself waking as the distant yells of the shadowy figure slowly disappeared. Opening his eyes he saw the first rays of sunlight hit the garden. The flowers danced as if to greet it and the lively talking of the servants replaced the silence of the night. He saw the sun fill the sky with its warm rays, threatened to be blocked by the distant dark clouds.