Chapter 1: Fortune Turns Like a Wheel — and When It Reaches Me, It Veers Off Course

Zhu Xiaosong felt he was pretty damn unlucky, really.

After pinching his thigh more times than he could count and checking his surroundings over and over again, he could finally confirm: the guy lying in bed right now was himself, who had inexplicably woken up as the Emperor, complete with all of that emperor's memories.

The only problem was, this emperor had just ascended the throne and had simply missed the late emperor — his imperial brother — so much that he'd passed out, and was now lying on the dragon bed recuperating.

Oh, by the way, this emperor was also surnamed Zhu, but his name was Zhu Youjian. Which made things pretty awkward.

Even if you were called Zhu Houzhao that'd be fine — I probably couldn't pull off a wise ruler anyway, but letting me be a muddle-headed ruler like Zhu Houzhao who only cared about eating, drinking, having fun, and chasing women, that I could manage no problem.

China's history is far too long, but if you're talking about the legitimacy of how a dynasty won the realm, I'm afraid none surpass the Great Ming.

What was the Han dynasty's situation?

Basically Liu Bang and Xiang Yu took advantage of Hu Hai running the family into the ground, teamed up to take over Qin Shi Huang's second-hand house, but then that scoundrel Liu Bang, being a career hooligan, offed his business partner and moved in himself.

Speaking of which, you can't help but lament that the Han dynasty's first transmigrator, Comrade Wang Mang, just couldn't deliver — he overplayed his hand. Otherwise, communism might well have appeared in China by the late Western Han...

And the Tang dynasty? Because the old Yang family didn't treat their underlings quite right, the underlings simply smashed up the Yangs' establishment and ran the show themselves.

Still, since the Li clan of Longxi had barbarian blood, they trusted foreign peoples too much.

With the military commissioners growing so powerful, even Emperor Ming of Tang had no choice but to fire one last desperate shot with Yang Guifei at Mawei Slope, then order someone to send the beauty off to the west and be done with it.

The Song dynasty goes without saying even more — one moment Chai Shizong was entrusting his orphaned son to them, the next they were draping a yellow dragon robe over themselves at Chenqiao Post Station, bullying a widow and her orphaned child.

Even their last fig leaf — the iron writ of immunity granted to the old Chai family — was done away with in Chai Rong's generation! The result?

Right after, the Great Jin and the Mongols took turns bullying his Zhao family, one after another. No wonder — after all, Zhao Kuangyin had sworn a solemn oath: "If I seize this realm, may my descendants produce treacherous ministers generation after generation!"

So look at the Song dynasty — great traitors and petty traitors emerged in an endless stream. Truly, fortune turns like a wheel.

As for the rule of the Three Dynasties so lavishly praised by the Confucians, that was just the descendants of Xuanyuan taking turns in the seat of power.

Only the Great Ming can truly be said to have propped up a collapsing edifice, driving the Mongol Yuan north to win the realm, and preserving the Han people's way of life.

In the Great Ming's three-hundred-year mandate, all sorts of bizarre emperors appeared — one busy cultivating immortality, one busy chasing women, one busy being a carpenter — but never one who was weak toward foreign powers.

In three hundred years of dynastic rule, every single emperor refused to declare himself a vassal, refused to pay tribute, refused to pay indemnities, and refused to marry off princesses for peace.

They truly lived by the principle of the Son of Heaven guarding the nation's gates and the sovereign dying for the altars of state. Their backbone was, bar none, the hardest of any dynasty in history.

Yet if you leaf through all of China's historical records, there really aren't many as unlucky as the Chongzhen Emperor, Zhu Youjian.

The Ming histories record that the Chongzhen Emperor was accomplished in both civil and martial pursuits, had no taste for women, was diligent in governance and loved the people.

By all logic, aside from being suspicious and stubbornly self-willed, the Chongzhen Emperor possessed all the latent qualities of a wise ruler — yet he still ended up losing his kingdom!

First came the Little Ice Age — crop failures were a dead certainty.

To save money, or rather to make it easier to line their own pockets, the great Confucian scholars of the Donglin Faction, out of their deep love for the common people, demanded the abolition of the postal relay stations — what we'd call the postal service today.

So a certain postal courier surnamed Li, who also moonlighted as a chain-inn service boy, lost his job and found he couldn't go on living. Simple — screw it, revolt.

Since you, the emperor, won't let me live, then I'll just take you out first.

And what about the Donglin Faction, who at the time filled the court with righteous men? — The Emperor must not collect commercial taxes, otherwise he'd be competing with the people for profit! As for having no money?

That's your problem, Emperor. We scholars don't concern ourselves with such things — we only concern ourselves with governing the realm!

The Emperor must not lift the maritime ban, otherwise he'd still be competing with the people for profit, and what's more, you'd be violating the ancestral system. Don't believe us?

We'll remonstrate to the death! Go on, beat us if you dare — the more you beat us, the more famous we get.

Beat us to death, even better — our sons and grandsons will reap the benefits!

The Emperor must abolish the Embroidered Uniform Guard and the Eastern and Western Depots! Otherwise, do you not trust us upright gentlemen or what?

What if, just when we're bedding the eighteenth concubine we just brought home for several thousand taels of silver, some Embroidered Uniform Guard agent is eavesdropping? How's a man supposed to happily line his pockets?

How's a man supposed to pull strings behind the scenes? If you don't abolish the Embroidered Uniform Guard and the Eastern and Western Depots,

then you, sir, are a fatuous ruler!

As for what kind of conduct these upright gentlemen displayed later on, just look at how things went after that EMS delivery boy entered the capital: when Chongzhen tried to borrow a few tens of thousands of taels of silver, there was none to be had.

But once Little Li put a knife to their throats, he effortlessly hauled in tens of millions of taels.

From this we can see — rebellion and robbery are the fastest roads to getting rich, and it also proves from another angle that all the ways to make quick money and build a fortune are written right there in the criminal code...

As for later, when the Tungusic wild boar skins breached the passes, most of those great Confucians who were supposed to share the nation's peril found the water too cold.

They simply dropped to their knees, shaved their heads, and joyfully welcomed the sage sovereign, beating gongs and drums to usher in the new dynasty.

They completely forgot about the Yangzhou Ten-Day Massacre, the Three Slaughterings of Jiading, and the enclosure movement and literary inquisitions the Manchu Qing casually carried out along the way. Oh, right — especially the tonsure decree that poisoned the land for a century.

One wonders why those upright gentlemen, when shaving their heads, didn't spare a thought for the ancestral system: after all, the ancestral system also says that one's body, hair, and skin are received from one's parents and must not be damaged! — And yet it was this very Great Qing that those literati managed to puff up into the "Kang-Qian Golden Age"!

Actually, when you think about it, it's no surprise. Apart from the founding era when the Great Ming killed rather ruthlessly, the civil officials of the later period basically cut loose and ran wild.

The Qing's killing was far more ferocious than the Ming's, so naturally they had to grovel and bootlick just to stay alive.

As for the Great Ming's Chongzhen Emperor, he never received a proper imperial education from childhood. His father died early, his imperial brother the Tianqi Emperor was busy being a carpenter, so he could only believe whatever the court ministers told him.

Hoodwinked by the upright gentlemen of the Donglin Faction, he crippled his own power by destroying the Embroidered Uniform Guard and the Eastern and Western Depots, lost his last means of intelligence and surveillance, and became completely deaf and blind.

The civil officials and military officers, running wild and free, teamed up to swindle him to death on Coal Hill. In the end, the only one left to accompany this tragic emperor was a single eunuch — you have to say, it's a kind of tragedy.

But no matter — history has finally given the Great Ming another chance. I, Zhu Xiaosong — no, Zhu Youjian — have arrived!

I'm not that idiot from the history books. The Donglin Faction?

You motherfuckers still dare call yourselves a faction? Looking to form a clique for private gain, or looking to rebel?

You want me to abolish the postal relay stations? That's imperial property, damn it. Abolish the postal system, and you'll deliver military intelligence for me? How the hell is my Da Shun Feng supposed to develop?

What's that? You also want me to abolish the Embroidered Uniform Guard and the Eastern Depot? So you can turn me deaf and blind, and then you can all run wild with peace of mind?

Lifting the maritime ban violates the ancestral system? Come, come, my beloved ministers — before I lift the maritime ban, let's first discuss the ancestral system of flaying alive and stuffing with straw for embezzling sixty taels of silver.

I've been thinking lately of adding a clause extending punishment to three degrees of kinship. Just thinking about it gets me a little excited.

Can't abolish the tax exemption for the gentry? No problem. Merchants aren't gentry — we'll just collect commercial taxes from them.

Can't collect commercial taxes? That's competing with the people for profit? No problem. Believe me, the moment I issue an edict that taxes shall never be increased, the common people will stand on my side. As for you upright gentlemen — could it be you think my blade is not sharp?

Oh, this beloved minister, you wish to remonstrate to the death? Guards!

Have this gentleman smashed to death against the coiling dragon pillar in the great hall for me.

Have my EMS system distribute the Capital Gazette across the realm — make absolutely certain everyone knows this gentleman, in order to force me to retract the sacred decree of never increasing taxes, threatened death and smashed himself to death.

Where are the palace front warriors? Quickly, help this gentleman smash himself.

I am a wise ruler, after all — naturally I must handle things according to the gentleman's wishes.

What's that? You say I'm a fatuous ruler? Very well. Defaming the sovereign — by law, extermination of nine degrees of kinship. Tian Ergeng, what are you waiting for? Arrest him, confiscate his property, exterminate nine degrees of kinship.

The Donglin Academy? Does the Hongwu Emperor's ancestral system not forbid government students from discussing politics?

Anyone who dares recklessly debate state affairs again — entire family exiled three thousand li. Good thing I'm the emperor of the Great Ming.

If this were Joseon, the bastards might accidentally end up abroad!

The more he thought about it, the more pleased Emperor Zhu became. In the future, I'll have to be hailed as a sage sovereign of the age. How badass is that? In the future, all those so-called greats like Tang Taizong or Song Taizu can step aside for me. I am the true peerless emperor of all time!

I am definitely going to be the sage sovereign, the peerless emperor of all time.

The problem I face now is how to deal with the empty privy purse and national treasury — so empty you could race mice in them — and those "upright gentlemen" who are even worse than mice, specializing in digging at the nation's foundations!