Chapter 152: A Patchwork Plagiarized Into a Masterpiece

Since he was going to posture, he had to go all the way. Half a posturing was like getting a room with a lovely young woman ready for some fun, only for her monthly visitor to arrive — stuck in limbo, worse than not posturing at all.

Besides, to the Chongzhen Emperor, a longtime forum-veteran shitposter, the thrill of dropping a bomb and vanishing was something none of these Great Ming natives could ever grasp.

Having set the tone, he pondered in silence for a while, thinking over what other good stuff he could plagiarize to posture perfectly.

After mulling it over carefully, Chongzhen realized there really wasn't much worth copying.

That alphabet-and-phonetics stuff looked like damn ghost-drawn talismans — easy enough to learn, sure, but the problem was that these western barbarian contraptions were unsuited to writing with a brush. If it wasn't suited to writing, what the hell use was it?

A dictionary, now that was a fine thing, but the key point was you could just toss that to the Ministry of Rites to handle. As for producing some sort of Chongzhen Dictionary or the like — just thinking about it gave him a headache.

That damn thing had so many characters; the idea of putting a copy in the hands of every student in every community school was pure bullshit. The cost of that alone would nearly drain his privy purse dry.

And having commoners pay for it themselves? How many parents of beginning students would be willing to spend that kind of money?

It was just too damn expensive.

After racking his brains, Chongzhen found that the only things left suitable for posturing were those two divine tools of childhood education, The Rhyming Primer of the Old Man in the Rain Hat and the Rules for Disciples.

Thanks to having had a son in his previous life, he could still remember the general content.

But that book about "heaven pairs with earth, rain pairs with wind, the continent pairs with the endless sky" — The Rhyming Primer of the Old Man in the Rain Hat — he vaguely recalled it was a product of the late Ming.

He had absolutely no impression of exactly which year it appeared. That made things tricky.

What remained was the Rules for Disciples, which was rather more suitable for posturing. That thing was churned out by some literatus during the Kangxi period.

Now, for him, the Great Ming Emperor, to take something from a junior — that was doing him a favor. Even if that dead hack who wrote the Rules for Disciples refused to accept it, what could he do?

Go file a complaint with the Space-Time Administration or in heaven or hell? I'm the Emperor — money reaches even the gods.

Looking at Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai still waiting before him, Chongzhen, having decided to plagiarize the Rules for Disciples, opened his mouth with utter shamelessness: "We have heard that the late Song Emperor Zhenzong once composed an Exhortation to Learning, whereupon the Former Song's literary culture flourished greatly.

Though We are not so gifted, We are likewise unwilling to let our predecessors monopolize all the glory. We too have a short essay, for these community-school students."

Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai exchanged a glance, thinking to themselves that this was trouble. Something written by the Emperor — even if it were a pile of shit, it would be imperially bestowed shit, and the community schools would have to hang it up.

If they didn't, they'd be slighting the Emperor, and who knew what kind of monstrous mischief this lord would stir up now.

But if they did hang it up, and what this lord wrote was truly unreadable drivel, it would likely become the great laughingstock of the dynasty's three hundred years, and who knew how later generations would judge the affair.

But since the Emperor had spoken, Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai could hardly say, "Your Majesty, your ability is limited — don't make a fool of yourself," could they? So for the moment, it was Wen Tiren who stepped forward to take the hit: "Your servant reverently awaits the sacred instruction."

Seeing Wen Tiren so cooperative, Chongzhen spoke: "We are young, and have read little. Something on the level of the sages, like the Analects — We are not capable of that."

"Pah!" Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai both spat inwardly in unison, thinking: You are young, all right, but this shamelessness of yours — even a hoary old scoundrel couldn't match it!

Just as Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai were silently cursing him in their hearts, they heard Chongzhen calmly intone: "The Rules for Disciples, the Emperor's Precepts: first, filial piety and fraternal duty; next, caution and trustworthiness.

Love all broadly, and draw near to the benevolent. With any strength left over, then study the classics."

Holy shit! Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai were inwardly jolted.

Even Fang Zhenghua, the Director of the East, who had been standing behind Chongzhen as wooden and blank as a post the whole time, widened his eyes. These few lines alone were enough to show the caliber.

As long as what followed could stay on the same level, this essay would be excellent for childhood education — as catchy and easy to chant as the Three Character Classic, perfectly suited for young beginning students to learn.

Chongzhen took in the full sight of Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai's dumbstruck expressions, laughing inwardly, but continued reciting: "When parents call, do not delay in answering. When parents command, act without laziness..."

"Books not of the sages, cast aside, do not read; they cloud the intelligence and corrupt the mind and will. Do not debase yourself, do not give up on yourself; sagehood and worthiness can be attained through steady effort."

By the time Chongzhen had finished reciting the entire Rules for Disciples, Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai were completely stunned. As for this text — it wasn't particularly profound.

But precisely because it wasn't so profound, and didn't play at conveying great truths in subtle words like the Analects, it was all the more suited for beginning students to learn, just like the Three Character Classic.

Wen Tiren bowed deeply, sincerely submitting in admiration: "Your Majesty's heaven-bestowed brilliance — your servant cannot hope to match it. This text is simple and easy to understand, perfectly suited for enlightening young children.

Though barely over a thousand characters, it expounds with perfect clarity the principle from the 'Xue Er' chapter of the Analects: 'A disciple, when at home, should be filial; abroad, fraternally dutiful; cautious and trustworthy.

He should love all broadly and draw near to the benevolent. When he has strength left over from practice, let him employ it in studying the classics.'"

Shi Fenglai, seeing how Wen Tiren had shamelessly been the first to kiss Chongzhen's ass, immediately followed up: "Your Majesty's great talent — your servant is deeply awed.

Your servant believes this text should be ordered engraved onto printing blocks by the craftsmen, and that every community school should hang Your Majesty's sacred precepts."

Then, as if troubled, he bowed again and said: "Only, your servant believes there is one phrase in Your Majesty's text that is not quite appropriate."

Chongzhen thought to himself: Just managing to recite this damn thing from memory without mistakes was hard enough — how the hell would I know what's appropriate or not? This is the complete version that circulated for centuries in later ages.

I had the decency to only change "the Sage's Precepts" to "the Emperor's Precepts" — how can there still be something inappropriate? But he still had to maintain the appearance of an enlightened ruler, so he merely feigned curiosity and said: "Oh?

Minister Shi, by all means tell Us — what is inappropriate?"

Shi Fenglai bowed once more, then cupped his hands and said: "Reporting to Your Majesty, your servant believes that 'The Rules for Disciples, the Emperor's Precepts' — this line is not appropriate. It would be better to change it to 'The Rules for Disciples, the Sage's Precepts.

First, filial piety and fraternal duty; next, caution and trustworthiness.'"

Chongzhen inwardly went holy shit — how the hell had it gotten changed right back to the original version? Was this Shi Fenglai a transmigrator?

Just as Chongzhen's mind was running wild, Shi Fenglai continued: "Your Majesty is the Son of Heaven, a sage sent down by Heaven to shepherd the myriad people.

This essay was composed by Your Majesty, to be used in instructing all the young children under Heaven — of course it deserves to be called the Sage's Precepts."

Wen Tiren, seeing how utterly shameless Shi Fenglai was being, immediately said: "Reporting to Your Majesty, your servant believes that Minister Shi's words are reasonable. To call them the Sage's Precepts is not excessive in the slightest.

Only — what is the title of this text? We beg Your Majesty to make it clear."

Watching Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai each scrambling to out-sycophant the other, Chongzhen laughed and said: "This text came to Us just now in a moment of reflection. Since it is meant for the enlightenment and admonition of young disciples, why not simply call it the Rules for Disciples?"

After seeing Wen Tiren and Shi Fenglai both express their approval, Chongzhen, who had originally planned to drop his bomb and run, continued: "There is one more matter. Since our Great Ming already has community schools, we need only dispatch more teachers.

But what is to be done about Wang Huaiwen?"

The time for the next chapter is to be determined — it will probably be a bit later, or released during the day tomorrow. Something suddenly came up this evening. Apologies, esteemed readers.

(End of Chapter)