Chapter 11

Qiran gripped my hand so tightly I could barely breathe. After a long silence, he then spoke in a voice strained with restraint: "Is it because of my status? I said I could…"

"No, no…" I shoved him away with force, yet I still couldn't break free from his enveloping presence: "It's my own fault."

"Sorry!" I clutched his collar with both hands, tears streaming nonstop: "I can't love anyone! Really can't! Anyone in this world is someone I have no right to love!"

Qiran placed his long hands on the wall, trapping me in a small space before him; the infinite pain in his eyes made it impossible for me to look away. His voice remained pleasant, yet tinged with faint sorrow: "Is it… that as long as we're friends, you'll stay by my side…"

I was stunned by his sudden words, my watery, misty eyes fixed on him without blinking.

His gaze locked onto me, his hands pressed against my side clenched into fists, his blue eyes deepening as if trying to see through me entirely.

"I just want to keep you by my side." He said lightly, the vulnerability in his eyes slowly seeping into my heart: "Is that… not allowed?"

I couldn't utter another word; at this moment, brother, father, Xiao Yu, that former world—everything faded from my mind, leaving only those beautiful yet sorrowful sapphire eyes.

I slowly nodded, as solemnly as if making a lifelong vow.

I never imagined that this simple nod would doom my fate in this world. If given a chance to choose again, would I decisively leave?

Perhaps it's still impossible, for I could never, in my whole life, completely let go of this boy who is perfect like a deity yet fragile as an infant.

Qiran and I sat face to face in the spacious carriage, jolting forward, while Bu Sha continued to drive outside without uttering a word. It was deep night, all around silent, and even more so inside the carriage.

To dispel that strange, eerie atmosphere, I cleared my throat and asked: "Qiran, what did you originally intend to say about where you're headed?"

Qiran gave me a strange look and said: "Didn't you say you didn't want to know?"

I gave an embarrassed hehe laugh, feigning anger: "Back then was back then—are you going to tell me or not?"

I don't know why, but ever since deciding to travel together as friends, my heart suddenly felt light.

Actually, I have no other desires either; I just want to be able to stay by his side.

"This trip is to find my older brother."

"Huh?" I blinked, cutting him off to ask the question I'd long wanted to: "Is Ice Spirit really a country? Isn't the strongest state in the world Qi State? How did it become Ice Spirit?"

Qiran indeed also wore the same expression as Bu Sha, as if saying: "Are you genuinely clueless or pretending?" Seeing my angry glare, he then chuckled lightly and explained:

"Strictly speaking, Ice Spirit isn't actually a country; it's more like a gang, since it never had fixed territory or subjects. However, long before the present Qi, Yao, and other states were established, Ice Spirit had already existed for hundreds of years."

"Hundreds of years?" I exclaimed in astonishment, "How could every dynasty's king permit such a tremendously threatening organization to exist openly?"

"They certainly wouldn't allow it; once, a powerful state tried to annex Ice Spirit, but within less than three years it ended up overthrown and vanished without a trace."

"Ice Spirit's financial and material resources are so vast that outsiders can hardly imagine them; among the dozens of states in the world, none fail to rely on Ice Spirit's food and weapons for survival. Once cut off from Ice Spirit's supply, a state would collapse entirely."

"No wonder," I clicked my tongue, "People say to catch a snake you grasp its seven inches; Ice Spirit pinches exactly others' soft spots—truly sinister."

"By the way, you said you're going to find your older brother? Strange—what number son of the Ice Spirit King are you?"

Qiran gave a wry, half-laughing reply: "Nominally I'm the sixth. But my father emperor has countless legitimate and illegitimate offspring; just the ones I know of number no fewer than twenty, many whose faces I've never seen—how could I bother counting my exact rank?"

"Huh, how odd—if that's the case, why does your father emperor insist that you, who have no interest in power, inherit the throne?"

Qiran furrowed his brows and said: "Perhaps because my mother empress is his most favored consort, and she also happens to be the empress."

"Then you say your older brother—could he be your full-blood brother?"

Qiran revealed a rare admiring smile and said: "Exactly, he was born three years before me. Mother empress often says that while he may not be as clever as I am, he is far more perceptive in many matters. Though gentle in dealing with people, his temperament is fierce, his actions decisive—he truly is the right person to inherit the throne."

I smiled happily and said: "Seeing how joyful you get when talking about him, you must have spent your childhood trailing behind his backside, huh?"

Qiran's face flushed; his handsome, indescribably fine features showed embarrassment even in the hazy moonlight.

Now thinking about it, Qiran seems increasingly unbothered about dropping his mask in front of me and Bu Sha; my heart stirred, and I blurted out: "Qiran, you said you despise beautiful appearances—why exactly?"

Qiran's face suddenly changed; his long hands slowly covered his chest, his face turning deathly pale. I thought he was having a poison outbreak, hastily supported him, and asked anxiously: "What's wrong? Is it acting up?"

The carriage jolted—presumably Bu Sha outside also heard my words.

Qiran waved a hand, regained his composure, and forced a smile: "I'm fine; I just suddenly recalled some unpleasant memories."

"Sorry." Seeing his pained expression, I felt a pang of sorrow, and the carriage continued smoothly forward.

"What nonsense are you talking? It's none of your business." Qiran laughed, ruffling my head; the cool, soothing touch made my heart turn soft.

He got back on topic, saying: "My eldest older brother is named Qi Xuan; father emperor has valued him since childhood, appointing him heir apparent at birth. But five years ago, for unknown reasons, he left home and vanished without a trace."

"Could it be that he also left because he didn't want to inherit the throne, just like you?"

"Father and mother emperor said the same, but I know that's definitely not the reason. I still remember when I was twelve, he told me: 'Qiran, a man standing between heaven and earth must undertake a grand, glorious career, benefiting the people, his grace extending to all creation. Only by acting true to oneself does one deserve to walk this world. I can say I'm extremely fortunate, born with the world at my feet; when I eventually inherit my father's legacy, I will surely not betray heaven's favor and kindness. Qiran, I know you dislike these power‑struggle politics, but I also hope that one day you will try to open your heart and create a life that is solely yours, splendid and colorful.'"

As he spoke those words, his beautiful blue eyes flickered shallow and deep, crystal‑clear and pure, radiating a holy light. But soon that glow faded, replaced by a gloomy melancholy.

"It's a pity I still failed to meet my eldest older brother's expectations. After he left, many things happened; life seemed to suddenly split open, with suspicion, assassination, betrayal, and incitement rushing in one after another, crushing me until I could barely breathe."

"I lost my former friends, relatives, even those I could trust. I never realized that my eldest older brother had been casually shielding me from so much harm. Since childhood I've never known how to go against others' wishes; after father emperor and mother empress lost my eldest older brother, they fell into endless gloom. I couldn't bear to make them worry and be disappointed, so I agreed to take the heir apparent position. I thought, if my eldest older brother returns, I'll return the throne to him; if not, I'll peacefully rule Ice Spirit for decades, seeking no merit, only to avoid fault. Yet I never expected that just over a year ago, something changed. Meeting Bu Sha triggered the blood parasite in his body, causing his own aberration. I knew that if father emperor discovered it, Bu Sha would surely die, so I had no choice but to leave home like my eldest older brother did."

"Qiran, your whole life," I said in a calm, gentle tone, though my heart ached terribly, "living like this—always for others, always for the past—don't you feel exhausted?"

Qiran stared, his eyes full of bewilderment and helplessness; after a long while he whispered softly: "All that has happened—even if it were a dream—has deeply entwined itself around me, and I can no longer escape. I have long since drifted away from the dream my eldest older brother wove for me, and it grows ever more distant."

The fire in my heart surged up with a "whoosh"; I don't know where I found the strength, but I leapt to my feet in the carriage, grabbed his collar, and slammed my head hard into his forehead.

"Bang—" With that loud crash, my head threatened to black out, yet my inner resolve grew sharper, and I shouted angrily: "Xiao Qiran! Get a grip, will you? How many people struggle desperately in the dark mire just to survive a few years of freedom in this world; how many wake nightly from nightmares yet still face them with a smile, merely hoping for a bright future—and what about you?"

The carriage came to an abrupt halt, but Bu Sha did not enter.

I forcibly suppressed the rising anger in my chest, finally gaining focus, forehead pressed to forehead, I stared intensely at him: "I always thought you were just too kind, too self‑sacrificing for others, but I never imagined you were actually a coward unwilling to take responsibility! You clearly know your days may be numbered, yet you'd rather let me and Bu Sha worry and be afraid, and you won't even seek treatment! You clearly yearn deeply for a free, vibrant life, yet you insist on blaming it on the dream your eldest older brother crafted for you! You clearly ought to reject your parents' unreasonable demands, yet you prefer to suffer alone rather than bear the stigma of filial impiety! Qiran, don't you know? Being good to others has a precondition—that you must first be good to yourself! If you don't even know how to treat yourself kindly, how can you hope to earn others' love?"

Upon hearing that, we both stared dumbfounded.

What on earth… am I saying? Could that blow just now have knocked my head loose?

Qiran's face was deathly pale, only his forehead showing a faint red—no wonder my blow landed hard.

He remained silent for a long time, a bitter smile tugging at his lips, his voice growing ever softer: "Sorry. I never should have kept Bu Sha tied down, nor should I have forced you to stay by my side."

I clenched my fists tightly, about to deliver a hard punch.

But I heard his pleasant voice shift from bewilderment to an unprecedented resolve: "But in this life, I just want to be willful once! I could abandon the world, bear the name of unfilial, even sacrifice my life—I just don't want to let you go. As long as I can be with you, I don't want to care about anything else. Is that all right?"

His clear, limpid eyes fixed on me, filled with unease and fear yet unable to hide the innate composure and calmness he was born with; for a moment it reminded me of the stunning impression he made when we first met.

In his blue eyes shone an infinite light, as if embodying that beautiful future.

Bu Sha lifted the curtain, his expression stern, his voice cool yet warming the heart: "Looks like the weather's about to change—we might not make it to shelter from the rain in time."

I gave an "oh" and said, "Well then, let's not rush; we three can just hide in this carriage to avoid the rain."

In the increasingly awkward silence that lingered, I finally looked up at the two of them and said, "Qiran may only have a few months left."

When he collapsed from suffocation that day, after I revived him I also took his pulse briefly; I felt his inner breath growing more disordered, his true qi surging chaotically, while his pulse grew fainter—surely not a good sign.

My heart was shattered with pain, but then a wildly improbable idea flashed through my mind, startling me.

But the idea took root in my mind, impossible to shake, growing deeper the more I thought about it. This was also one of the reasons I agreed to let Lanyan leave.

Bu Sha glared with killing intent, but I ignored him, continuing calmly: "Have you thought about what else we should do during this time, aside from looking for medical help?"

Qiran chuckled and said, "What does Yibingyi think we should do?"

I gave a slight nod, composed myself solemnly, a gleam flashing in my eyes. My tone stayed steady yet ringing: "If it were me, knowing I was going to die, I would certainly do what I most wanted to do, fulfilling my unfulfilled wishes! Qiran, do you truly not want to create a splendid, colorful life for yourself? Not for the eldest imperial brother, not for us, but just for yourself—live life to the fullest!".

(End of chapter)