Chapter 104: Chinu's Soliloquy (I)

【Yin Dynasty 31st year, early winter.

The sky had light snow, withered branches trembled in the wind.

Luofu dream exhausted, all I sought in life was merely a body of water and clouds.

I finally made up my mind to defect from the false Yin.

Not only because those civil officials called me 【Chinu】 with contempt, but also because—

False dynasty, not acceptable.

False dynasty, very unacceptable.

Yuan Lang's narrow-minded views, stubbornly closed and resistant.

The false dynasty's policies are incoherent, court and populace not in sync.

He is not even a wise ruler, lacking any imperial bearing altogether.

By his side, every moment I feel I am wasting time.

Perhaps precisely for that reason, when the first snowfall came, I again thought of Yu Yiai.

Previously I always thought he was hopeless mud that couldn't be helped up a wall...

But now, looking back, I think he is merely a big fat fish too lazy to swim even in water.

Not swimming, just growing more flesh, yet he won't die.

The Son of Heaven, as long as he makes no mistake, already surpasses eighty percent of rulers.

Although he doesn't look much like an emperor.

When a subject, he listens to the emperor; when emperor, he listens to his subjects.

However, what's rare is that he truly can understand human speech.

Moreover...

Moreover, he truly treats people as people.

Even the illustrious Taizong falls short in this regard.

I can never forget that midsummer when officials paid court to Taizong, Taizong bestowed upon me the name 【Chinu】, took Yu Yiai's hand, and spoke those words.

Taizong said, "Let them die for you—is that not fitting?"

After that day, at midnight when I wake from dreams, those words constantly echo in my ears until I am nearly burned out.

Taizong is indeed a good emperor, the Taizong of all under heaven.

All under heaven revere him; he also saved countless commoners, bringing the suffering world back to life like a withered tree meeting spring.

He devoted his life to that woman, even regarding her child as the apple of his eye, willing to hand over the whole world...

All of that was originally not blameworthy.

But I think, when my mother carried me, she surely never expected me to spend my life dying for someone.

Taizong is good.

Yu Yiai...

He is not as bad as I originally imagined.

The bad thing is actually only me.

Only I, betraying both sides, abandon Taizong's dying wish, spit at the Northern Dynasty, and now wish to reject the Southern Dynasty.

Being so wicked, it is only fitting that I encounter no wise lord and gain no favor from him.

This time defecting again, thereafter it will likely be even harder to find a wise lord.

Unless, I stop seeking a wise lord.

Head south, just find any vassal state.

If assisting the emperor won't do, then assist a vassal prince; surely thereafter I could receive proper treatment.

Nowadays, not many vassal states remain unbroken by the Northern Dynasty's iron hooves.

An Nan, perhaps a good path?

Or perhaps I can also think of a way, search again...... for Yu Yiai.

I despise him.

I still despise him.

However, there really aren't many in this world who can understand human speech.

I also know he certainly will not die.

Others can't find him, but I still have a few good friends these years, and I still know some hidden contacts; I should be able to find some clues...

Actually, not finding him is fine.

As long as he isn't dead, I can simply go somewhere, announce my name; once the word spreads, that simpleton will surely come wailing, "Chinu, are you Chinu?" "Nunu!" "I miss you so much!" crawling over to find me.

Yes, I know.

I have always known.

Just...

This decision is hard.

Over these years, compared to respecting him, valuing him,

I am more accustomed to resenting him, hating him.

Yes, I hate him.

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have become like this.

Upon reaching adulthood, I will leave the Orphanage, find work as a pawnshop assistant, toil all year for a little money.

Little money, no problem.

Save up for a few years, buy a few mu of good farmland, and thereafter one could live a stable life of working at sunrise and resting at sunset.

Not everyone is born with great ambition.

If one cannot afford good farmland, buy dry land.

Settling among mountains and rivers, with coarse tea and plain rice, there is never anything wrong.

But all of this was destroyed by Yu Yiai.

All he has comes with a wave of his hand.

But everything I have must be won by my own struggle.

I painstakingly schemed to climb before him, only to discover that all I have is merely the tiniest speck of what others possess.

I hate him.

I simply hate him.

Why does he get to reap without labor, receiving favor from heaven and earth?

What exactly, exactly, have I lost to him?

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I want to... go ask my mother.

By now, nearly ten years have passed since I uncovered my origins.

Even if I have never seen her, I always think of her.

What's more, if I defect again this time and leave New Capital Gold Hill, any future meeting would be even more distant and uncertain.

I think, before I leave, I should go to the Mass Grave again to see my mother and ask her.

I want to ask Mother: 'Mother, A Nu, where exactly should I go next?'

I want to ask Mother: 'Mother, A Nu is so tired, what should I do?'

I want to ask Mother: 'Mother.... Mother, have you been reincarnated, or did you hurt your eyes?'

Otherwise—

Otherwise, how could it be that after so many years she never came to me in a dream?

She must have been reincarnated, or she never saw me and thus mistook someone.

In any case, it's impossible that I was abandoned.

The name Chinu, though infamous.

But everyone also says Chinu is useful.

I am useful, I am very useful.

I still have much value to be exploited.

Therefore, I will not be abandoned.

That day's snow was indeed rather heavy.

Wind and snow struck the face, hurting as if cutting the heart and lungs.

Under the lashes, sometimes cold, sometimes warm.

Thanks to those annoying glints of water.

I wandered around the Mass Grave for a long time, yet could not find even a few tombs suitable for sacrifice.

Hmm......

I seem to have forgotten to mention something.

It's not that I don't want to move my mother's grave; it's because the people who buried her back then could only give a rough direction.

They bury different people each year and month.

But in the Qinlou Chuguan, everyone's story is roughly the same.

Mostly they just dig a hole, hastily bury the body and call it a day—let alone a stele, not even a wooden plaque is erected.

Indeed, if we dig a few more graves and analyze the clothing from the burial, we can surely find the remains.

But with that shovel strike, besides my mother, who knows whose parents we might also dig up......

So all these years, I have never thoroughly investigated my mother's exact location.

I have thought it through clearly: in the entire Mass Grave, no matter whose tomb I see, I burn a sheet of paper money, and that will surely reach my mother's grave.

That way, my mother underground will not suffer injustice, nor will she be bullied by neighbors.

I am clever.

I have always been the cleverest.

Just......

Today's wind and snow are indeed rather too heavy.

I really am, somewhat too tired.

I cannot find a few tombs, so naturally I cannot help my mother keep up appearances.

I can only find a nearby grave mound to sit on, hoping to wait for the wind and snow to pass before leaving.

Unexpectedly.

The grave mound behind me is small, yet it blocks the wind well.

Heavenly snow poured from the Northern Border, and that nameless grave mound blocked most of it, so I am actually not cold.

I rested for a while before remembering to offer the paper money.

But before I could take out the paper money, I heard a horse's neigh not far away, tearing the silence of the Mass Grave.

In the distance, several riders galloped together; the leader rode out alone, fixing his gaze on the two fleeing figures—one large, one small—and shouted arrogantly:

Capture them, escort them back to the King of An Nan's city!

?? Luofu Dream: it means life is like a dream. From《Longcheng Lu》, it is said that during the Kaihuang era of the Sui dynasty, Zhao Shixiong toured Luoshan, where in the mountains he met a young lady. While conversing, he smelled a fresh, pure fragrance. They drank together, becoming intoxicated. The next day Zhao Shixiong woke up to find himself sleeping under a plum tree, only then realizing the lady was an illusion transformed from a plum blossom.

? Water Cloud Body: Buddhist term, refers to a wandering monk. Because his body is like moving clouds and flowing water, dwelling without a fixed abode, thus it also generally refers to a state of coming and going freely, unbound.

? If Chinu's mother had not been reincarnated, seeing Chinu crying before her grave, she would surely be anxiously pacing around.... sigh.