Chapter 33: Midnight B-Movie!

Fuck your dad!

Is this movie really trying to be more outrageous than it already is!

Fuck!

You’re really doing this again!

The screening room was stiflingly hot.

As one by one, curses-spitting viewers rose and left, the air gradually grew less suffocating.

The old wall-mounted electric fan whirred loudly…

On screen, the shit-tier “masterpiece” Sun Wukong vs Superman 2 finally, amid the gaze of countless viewers, reached its conclusion.

On screen, Sun Wukong and Chinese Superman Yan Shuangying fought the Magoma alien for ages, mindlessly repeating the same motions countless times…

Just when all the viewers, numbed and shell-shocked, thought this pile of cinematic shit could no longer torment them…

The two protagonists suddenly lost to the boss, Magoma alien.

Yes, without warning, their power collapsed inexplicably—and then the Magoma alien suddenly transformed!

Then, amid the chaos of spacetime, it transformed into a 1997-style boxy van, transported straight into the [Si Ling Auto Repair Shop]!

…

When they saw that van…

Li Dongqiang, holding his camera, shuddered violently, his mind going blank—he stared, dumbfounded, at the boxy van right before him!

Such a mind-blowing scene!

After watching movies for so many years…

Fuck, this was the first time he’d ever seen it!

Even more insane was yet to come!

“No good! The Magoma alien has taken control of our [Si Ling Auto Repair Shop]’s Dr. Li Gang, helping it upgrade and repair!”

“No good!”

“Dr. Li Gang’s repair skills are the best in the universe—we can’t let it keep repairing! If it keeps going, this upgrade might never end!”

“Dr. Li Gang, snap out of it! Don’t let it control you!”

“…”

Li Dongqiang stared, stunned, as a mechanic suddenly appeared inside the [Si Ling Auto Repair Shop], then climbed into the van!

Then…

Finally, the repetitive editing stopped!

But…

What did he see?

He saw the repaired van suddenly charging straight at Chinese Superman Yan Shuangying!

Yes!

You didn’t imagine it!

Chinese Superman Yan Shuangying—who could fly through the sky, swim underground, and shrug off fighter jet bullets—was now being chased in panic by a van, his desperation heartbreaking!

And the grotesque, repetitive editing returned…

Li Dongqiang carefully counted the number of times Yan Shuangying was thrown flying!

Motherfucker!

This broke the record!

A close-up of him being thrown flew repeated eight times; the falling shot repeated eight times too…

But that wasn’t the worst part!

The real question was: where was Sun Wukong, the one with the power to change his form at will, the one who could transform into seventy-two different beings? Hadn’t he been matching Yan Shuangying blow for blow just moments ago?

Where had he gone?

Just as Li Dongqiang was bewildered…

The scene suddenly cut!

It switched to a close-up of [A Li Fast Food], where, in horror, they watched Sun Wukong wolfing down fast food from [A Li Fast Food]!

Yes!

You didn’t imagine it—while Chinese Superman struggled to save the world, Sun Wukong was slurping down fast food over there!

And they lingered on his eating for a full ten seconds…

“World energy insufficient! Without energy, Chinese Superman can’t defeat the Magoma alien—the world will be destroyed!”

“Great Sage, you must use your divine powers to sustain the world’s energy!”

“Yes, Great Sage, you’re the bridge between modern and ancient times—your body is the key!”

“Just devour energy with all your might!”

“Then the world will be saved!”

“…”

After this painfully forced explanation, Li Dongqiang nearly fainted—fuck, could your plot be any more contrived?

And!

The most insane part was!

To pad runtime and stretch the final ten minutes of world-saving time, the movie repeated Sun Wukong’s chopstick-clutching motion—three times!

The chicken-leg-eating motion, four times; the spilled food, the ecstatic expression—though not repeated, it was given an absurdly long close-up!

Fuck!

Li Dongqiang clenched his fists, murderous intent rising!

Then…

Fuck, watching Sun Wukong eat so deliciously, Li Dongqiang’s stomach growled!

Shit!

Wait!

Am I really worrying about being hungry right now?

…

About eight minutes remained until the movie ended.

That damn scene finally cut back!

Back to the [Si Ling Auto Repair Shop]…

Then, the background music suddenly turned mournful, like funeral dirge.

Chinese Superman kept getting hit by the van, kept getting up, then got knocked down again…

As it kept hitting…

Suddenly, it stopped!

Yes, without reason, without warning, the van just… stopped.

Then!

“Don’t give up!”

“Save the Earth!”

“Save the world!”

“Save all the children’s smiles!”

“Cosmic Light!”

When five minutes remained, Chinese Superman Yan Shuangying suddenly stood up, then, after a flash of white light, awkwardly struck an excruciating pose, shouted a line of dialogue, and the entire tone turned painfully heroic.

Then…

What did Li Dongqiang see?

He saw this broke-ass production crew!

With no money for special effects, they’d crudely created a “light” using camera lighting, a plastic film, and mirrors!

Worse still—the editing was so exaggerated, if you looked closely, you could actually see someone pulling the plastic film in the shot…

Then, suddenly, the sound of firecrackers exploded around the van…

Then…

The movie screen suddenly went dark.

After lingering in this dimness for about ten seconds…

A line of text suddenly appeared…

“Chinese Superman saved the Earth once again!”

………………………………

???

Inside the screening room.

As the lights suddenly turned on…

The curses and shouts fell abruptly silent.

Only a third of the audience remained—they stared blankly at the END text on the big screen…

Then, they looked down, confused, at their handwritten tickets…

Almost everyone’s mind went briefly blank!

Where am I?

What did I just watch?

Why am I here?

This is… Super Man 2…

This…

What the hell did I spend five yuan on?

At that moment…

A few awkward claps came from nearby.

In their daze, everyone glanced toward the clapping—and saw a few young men in the farthest corner, faces flushed, forcing themselves to clap.

Li Dongqiang flinched slightly!

Then…

He instinctively looked in that direction.

If he wasn’t mistaken, these young men were the film’s creative team…

Looking at their utterly lifeless expressions, how could Li Dongqiang not feel they were being forced?

At that moment…

Everyone saw a young man in a suit, wearing gold-rimmed glasses, silently walk onto the stage.

Then…

He looked at everyone!

“Thank you for your wave of applause—our devoted fans who traveled so far are truly passionate!”

“No more clapping, thank you, thank you!”

“…”

Wave of applause?

Fuck!

Can you at least have some shame?

Are you blind?

Aside from yourselves clapping, who else is clapping?

Everyone looks like they just ate shit, okay?

Li Dongqiang saw Zhou Yang wave his hand with an expectant expression—and felt his mind was spiritually polluted!

“I also want to thank the children for their support!”

“Now, all parents with children, please go collect our free lollipops…”

“All other friends, please stay—there’s a surprise!”

“…”

As each child spotted the lollipops and excitedly walked toward them, the theater emptied of children.

Zhou Yang adjusted his glasses, looked at each person, and lowered his voice.

Then he had the staff approach every audience member and secretly reveal a stack of movie tickets.

“I’ve been thinking deeply downstairs, and discussed at length with my team!”

“I’ve made a difficult, ancestral-defying decision…”

“Next month…”

“Our theater will screen a private film—so intense it’ll excite men and make women blush!”

“Showtime: August 2nd, midnight…”

“Starring a beautiful, pure college girl…”

“Ticket price: only twenty yuan…”

“…”

???

The male audience members, still reeling from the awful film, froze slightly!

Then they lowered their heads…

And!

They stiffened in shock!

What did they see?

On the handwritten tickets, clearly written: “Lin Daiyu Fights Lu Zhishen”!