Chapter 231: Loki (Part 3)

Loki admitted that he had been resenting Odin for being partial, but when the object of the partiality became himself, he had a kind of panic of being unworthy. And now, this panic had turned into deep confusion, because an extraterrestrial physical examination machine told him that he wasn't even an Aesir.

Odin's illustrious name was not sat out on the throne. He conquered

Odin could also be called a racist; he was merciless toward anyone outside the Aesir. At least, that was how it was in Loki's perception.

So the question arose: he was not Odin's biological son, nor was he even an Aesir, so why was Odin suddenly being so good to him?

Loki leaned against the headboard with one arm over his forehead. He himself felt that this question of his was absurd; he was actually questioning one day why Odin would be so good to him.

In the apartment's living room, Thor finally figured out the electric lifting clothes rack and then successfully hung his work uniform on it. At this moment, he heard the door to Loki's bedroom creak and looked back to see Loki standing under the doorframe of his bedroom.

"What is wrong with you?" Thor asked with great confusion.

"I want to ask you a question." Loki looked at Thor and said, "I obtained the position of a true god before you, and I can enter and exit Asgard freely. I haven't been stripped of my divine power, nor have my weapons been taken away, and I even have the spare energy to mock you..."

"When you learned of this fact, did you not feel that Odin was biased?"

"Of course!" Thor glared at Loki and said, "I really can't figure out how you could be the first to obtain the position of a true god. Do you have any military achievements?"

He grabbed the collar of the work uniform in his hand and shook it fiercely, as if venting, and said somewhat indignantly, "Whether it's divine power or military achievements, I am better than you. How could the All-Father..."

He exhaled fiercely through his nose, paused for a moment, and then suddenly, as if deflated, said, "Fine, actually I've figured it out too. I caused trouble, right? He was very angry, so he exiled me here, and then gave the position of a true god to you, letting you come over to mock me..."

Thor lifted his arm slightly and said, "Very well, he succeeded. Now the question I think about every day is, can I buy another case of beer with the wages I receive next week? I am no different from these ordinary mortals, even more down-and-out than them, to the point where I only dare to order small portions of fried chicken..."

"You win, alright?"

Loki stood by the door, looking at Thor's expression, and had nothing to say.

"Why has that rather intelligent brain of yours not succeeded in convincing you over all these years that he is truly just a stubborn idiot?" Venom asked him.

"The medical report shows that there are some problems with your brain." Venom's tone suddenly became somewhat lighthearted. He said, "Coincidentally, I know a very good psychologist who might be able to resolve all the tangles and questions in your head. Anyway, since we're idle..."

"A psychologist?" Loki's tone was somewhat confused. "Asgard doesn't have this profession."

"Believe me, it will be very effective."

Half an hour later, Schiller took a new medical record from the shelf next to him and asked, "Name?"

Loki was a bit distracted. Schiller asked again, and only then did he reply, "Loki."

"Surname?"

Loki hesitated for a moment and said, "Odinson."

"Your pronunciation of this surname is somewhat peculiar. Based on your current level of English, this shouldn't be a pronunciation error. Do you have any opinions about this surname?"

"So, what you humans call a psychologist is just constantly asking questions for me to answer?"

"If you feel you need treatment, then try to cooperate with me, rather than planning to take charge," Schiller wrote and drew on the medical record and said without raising his head. "This is not a business negotiation; you don't need to fight for any initiative, and I am not your enemy. You really don't need to use wordplay to interfere with me."

"This is very novel." Loki placed both hands on the desktop and leaned forward slightly, assuming a posture of being quite in control.

"You seem to have become accustomed to this method of speaking, wanting to fight for the initiative no matter who you are talking to. This is beneficial in most situations, but there may be exceptions."

Loki opened his mouth and said, "No, not entirely. At least when facing..."

He shook his head, as if not wanting to say that name.

"Why do you refuse to say your father's name?"

Schiller saw that when Loki heard the word 'father', his fingertips moved slightly, and then he heard Loki say, "Because that might not be..."

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"Not what?"

"He might not be my father." Loki's tone feigned ease, but the muscles in his neck twitched, and his entire shoulder became stiff. Schiller looked up and glanced at him.

"What is your feeling when you say this sentence?" Schiller looked at him. "Perhaps the answer you want is hidden within that."

The trembling of Loki's fingertips began to spread to the back of his hand, followed by his wrist and forearm, but it disappeared in an instant.

"You seem unwilling to admit this fact, yet you feel you have no reason not to admit it, but you just don't want to admit it. Why?"

"I don't know." Loki's voice sounded somewhat hoarse.

"Although I don't need you to tell me all your secrets, you cannot say nothing, especially at this very moment. You should have many things you want to say and many questions you want to ask."

"What, are you still fantasizing about a better listener than me? Perhaps I can call Strange and have him ask if Odin has woken up..."

"No, no..." Loki instinctively denied it.

"Every time Odin is mentioned, you seem to have some fear. Why?" Schiller tilted his head and looked at him.

"No one does not fear the All-Father."

"Listen, this is not an exam. I am not asking you to find a perfect answer to deal with my questions," Schiller said somewhat helplessly.

"When I ask you a question, you can ask yourself this question, and then give yourself the answer in your heart. If you are willing to tell me the real answer, the treatment will be more effective. If you are not willing, that is also fine."

Loki was silent for a long time, but still let his shoulders sink, exhaled a breath, and said, "I do fear him, because of his majesty and power, and more importantly... I am not Thor."

"Thor can of course not be afraid of him. No matter what he does, the All-Father will clean up the mess for him, and this time is the same."

"... but I cannot." Loki's fingertips pressed against the desktop, leaving a shallow reflection. He looked at his fingers and said, "I cannot make mistakes like Thor, especially, I cannot make such stupid mistakes."

His lips moved, and then he said, "He will not tolerate me."

"I must maintain awe." Loki's voice began to break free from that complex emotion. His thinking seemed to return to the right track and began to become more engaged.

"I am not special to the All-Father. I cannot even be sure if I am as important in his eyes as those brave and battle-hardened Asgardian warriors."

Schiller held the pen in his hand, changed his posture, and said, "Because the family members you value are unwilling to give you definite feedback, you can only constantly lower your own expectations, convincing yourself that as long as he has no obvious hostility toward you, you can just muddle through."

"But this is not a solution, especially when there is a comparative example. Self-deception cannot last long."

Loki supported the edge of his brow with one hand and said somewhat distractedly, "But the problem now is, during this period, I became the object of bias, and then I just discovered that perhaps what he originally did was right, because I am not his biological son..."

Schiller shook his head and said, "A concept has become confused. Whether there is a blood relationship and whether he is biased do not necessarily have a direct relationship."

Schiller explained, "The surface logic is that if you are not his biological son, then it is only natural for him to treat you poorly. But the problem is, if you are not his biological son, how did you become his son?"

"The backstory might be very complicated, but one point must be unchanging, and that is that your father should have picked you up from somewhere. We don't know what kind of mood he was in when he picked you up, but one fact is that, knowing you were not his biological son, he still raised you to this age."

"If his purpose in raising you was just to favor your brother and ignore you, then why on earth did he pick you up?"

"Fine, I assume there is a certain interest relationship involved, for example, what benefits there would be after raising you, thereby driving him to pick you up and raise you, while in his heart he didn't want another son, which is why he was deliberately biased and ignored you."

"If that is the case, then you have even less need to struggle. Just investigate what kind of conspiracy is behind this, and then find a way to take revenge on them."

Schiller supported his cheekbone with one hand and looked at Loki, saying, "You should have thought of this possibility the moment you learned of this fact. So ask yourself, what exactly are you still struggling with?"

Loki was silent.

His gaze began to become calm. He said, "I tried to convince myself that his kindness to me during this time was just small favors. I deduced many possible conspiracies and even had several plans to investigate my true origins. Now, I should have appeared on the Bifrost..."

Loki's eyeballs moved downward, as if thinking about something. He said, "But the reason I appeared here is because when I was ready to put these plans into practice, when I wanted to take that step in the opposite direction, I discovered..."

His voice had sunk to the extreme, like a pebble blown by the wind to the edge of a cliff. His fist slowly clenched, and then he said with some disbelief, "... I don't seem to want to do that."

"Why do you think that is?"

Loki shook his head and looked at Schiller, saying, "You are the doctor, aren't you?"

Schiller spun the pen in his hand and said, "This is the misunderstanding most people have about psychologists. Most of the time, we are just listeners and are not responsible for giving answers."

"Or rather, in fact, many people already have the answer in their hearts, but they are unwilling to admit it, so they come to ask the doctor, hoping to get a different result. Sometimes, we see this point but don't expose it, just because not everyone can withstand this stimulation."

"Do you think you can?"

"I..." Loki tilted his head and muttered, "I think, of course I can..."

"Fine, perhaps you should have discovered it too." Schiller looked at Loki and said, "Your resentment toward Odin's unfairness and your jealousy toward Thor cannot cover up your longing for family affection."

"Regardless of whether family affection is truly real, you have been deceiving yourself for so many years, and blood relationship is precisely an important pillar in this self-deception."

"Today, after this pillar was shattered, you discovered that your instinctive action was not to uncover the truth and rightfully take revenge on these people, but to frantically want to find another pillar..."

"You suddenly discovered that you are weaker and more prone to compromise than you thought, indulging in some illusions you wove for yourself and unwilling to wake up. You are not as smart, decisive, or vicious as you thought. Even the earth-shattering conspiracies and hatred that might exist did not make you make up your mind."

"As long as those relatives of yours in name give you a little sweetness, you are willing to desperately find some reasons to deceive yourself and muddle through..."

"You discovered that compared to a god who never makes mistakes, you are more like the ordinary people you have always looked down upon."

"Or rather, compared to ordinary people, you are more like a dog chasing after a tiny bit of meat scraps..."

"Enough."

--- Off-topic ---

The protagonist is finally at work.

If only I could go to work at this frequency too.