Chapter 20: The Lick-Dog

Ever since the Jade Emperor quelled the rebellion of the God of Wealth, his supervision over the work of the deities in the Tianting has become increasingly strict. The Jade Emperor believes that as long as the deities perform their respective duties well and bring blessings to all living beings in the three realms, the living beings will naturally grow to respect the Heavenly Gods more and more, and in time, the number of living beings offering sacrifices to the Heavenly Gods will naturally increase. The main reason why the common people today do not respect or offer sacrifices to the Heavenly Gods is the laziness of the gods, who have not properly helped the living beings, leading to the living beings losing trust in the Heavenly Gods. As for Yue Lao, he was treated as the "negative example" in this lecture given by the Jade Emperor to all the deities.

In the Ling Xiao Bao Dian, the Jade Emperor said to Yue Lao in front of all the constellations and the full court of civil and military officials: "Among the living beings in the mortal world, who does not hope for a good marriage, and which family does not look forward to having many children and much happiness? But look at now, how many people have long passed the age to marry, yet suffer from a lack of a good match. And how many have even completely lost faith in marriage! As Yue Lao, you are in charge of the marriages of the world; this is your dereliction of duty! You must know that only when every household of mortal people is happy and fulfilled, with descendants continuing the line, can my Heavenly Realm have constant incense. If things continue like this, with the people of the lower realm not marrying and having no successors, who will be expected to build temples for us and offer sacrifices to us Heavenly Gods in the future? Would that not cut off the bloodline of the human world and sever the incense of my Heavenly Realm! This is a matter greater than the heavens, and it cannot be treated with the slightest carelessness. From today on, the number of red threads you tie for the living beings of the lower realm must be doubled compared to before. Also, when you encounter those sincere living beings who come to pray for marriage, you must fulfill their wishes; you must not sit idly by, shirk, or be slothful."

After Yue Lao returned to his residence from Lingxiao Hall, he kept sighing, thinking to himself: "It is not that I am lazy or slothful; it is truly that the red threads for the mortal beings nowadays are really not easy to tie! I am running about for the living beings every day, and I do not know how much suffering I have endured." The more he thought about it, the more aggrieved he felt. Afterward, he could only sigh helplessly: "Sigh, forget it, who told me to be the great god in charge of the world's marriages." Saying this, he found the red register that recorded the marriages of all living beings and began to flip through it. He then took out his precious mirror to observe the living beings who had come to burn incense and pray for marriage in temples throughout the lower realm, and sure enough, he discovered a respectful and extremely sincere believer in the East. It turned out to be an old woman over sixty years old who had heard that the Yue Lao temple here was very efficacious for praying for marriage, so she had traveled thousands of miles to burn a stick of incense and pray for her daughter, hoping to find a dragon-riding son-in-law. Seeing that this woman was of such an age and still worrying about her children's lifelong affairs, Yue Lao was naturally deeply moved and decided to help this old woman first.

That night, Yue Lao manifested his true form in the old woman's dream and said to her: "I am Yue Lao! Because I see that your beloved daughter's heart in seeking a husband is most sincere, I have manifested to help you. This god is in charge of the world's good marriages; you may tell me what kind of son-in-law you want, and I shall fulfill this wish for you."

Upon hearing this, the old woman was overjoyed and bowed to Yue Lao repeatedly, saying: "The ancients often said that sincerity leads to efficacy; they did not deceive me. This old woman does not have many requirements, only hoping to find someone reliable for my daughter, someone to whom she can entrust her life."

Yue Lao took the Mandarin Duck Register from his bosom and wrote the birth date and horoscope of the old woman's daughter on the front. Before long, many names appeared on the back. Below each name was information on family background, personality, physical condition, appearance, and so on; all kinds of information were available.

Yue Lao looked for a while and pointed to a name in the register, saying: "How about this one? This person is devoted to relationships, is thrifty and good at managing a household, and is a steady and hardworking person!"

The old woman looked where Yue Lao was pointing and shook her head, saying: "I fear this is not suitable. This person's family is poor and has no noble patrons to support him, so he can only rely on his own labor. If my daughter were to marry him, she would inevitably be overworked; would she not suffer?"

Yue Lao pointed to another name and said: "How about this one? This person's family is moderately well-off, he is upright in character, and he is someone with future blessings!"

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable! This person is bloated in figure and ugly in appearance; he is truly not presentable. How can he be a match for my daughter?"

Yue Lao said again: "How about this one? This person is sturdy in build, well-proportioned, and has a good appearance!"

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable. This person is simple-minded and brawny, has no learning and no wit; he always lets others take advantage of him and suffers losses himself. He is too stupid!"

Yue Lao turned a page of the Mandarin Duck Register, looked at it, and said: "How about this one? This person is talented and has good character!"

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable! This person's constitution is too weak; he is a sickly person who will sooner or later need someone to wait on him."

Yue Lao said: "Then how about this one? This person also has talent, is in good health, and is someone who can live a long life."

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable! Although this person has talent, he is too unrestrained and unruly; he only likes to travel and enjoy the scenery and does not think about managing the family business. He is not someone to live a life with."

Yue Lao looked again and said: "This one is good! This family has been in business for generations and is well-off. Now he is following in his father's footsteps; he is very intelligent and good at management."

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable! The old lady of this family is not easy to get along with and is sharp-tongued and mean to her daughter-in-law. If my daughter were to marry into that family, she would definitely be bullied by that old demoness."

Yue Lao turned another page of the Mandarin Duck Register and said: "This one is truly extraordinary! His ancestors were officials; he is truly from a wealthy and powerful family. This should be acceptable, right?"

The old woman said: "That is even less suitable! This person is a philanderer by nature, fickle in affection, and not someone who values emotions. If one were to marry such a person, where would there be any happiness to speak of?"

Yue Lao said: "Then take a look at this one. This person is extremely career-minded, capable, strong in ability, principled, and has a firm will; he is very rare."

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable. This person is busy all day long, only caring about making money, and spends little time with his family. If my daughter were to marry him, I fear she would have to wash clothes, cook, and take care of the children all by herself, without even anyone to help her!"

Yue Lao smiled bitterly and said: "This one is truly not bad! Look at this person; he is extremely good at taking care of others. Washing clothes, cooking, taking care of children, all kinds of housework—he handles everything with ease. He can truly be said to be able to grace the hall and work in the kitchen. If your daughter marries him, she will be able to live a leisurely and happy life!"

The old woman said: "I fear this is not suitable. This person's salary is too meager, only enough for daily expenses. If my daughter were to marry him, she would have to be frugal along with him. As the saying goes, a poor couple faces sorrow in everything..."

Yue Lao shook his head helplessly and said: "You! At first, you only said you wanted to find someone reliable, and that would be enough. Now this won't do, and that won't do; what kind of person would actually do?"

The old woman said: "I really don't have any particularly excessive requirements. As long as the family background is good, the profession is good, the character is good, the temper is good, and he is good to his wife. As long as he is in good health and his appearance is not particularly ugly, that will do."

Yue Lao said: "To have everything like this, and you still say it's not an excessive requirement."

The old woman said: "If these points cannot be met, how can he be considered reliable?"

Yue Lao said: "If the requirements are like this, one might not be met in a hundred years; this god is also powerless."

Upon hearing this, the old woman mocked: "Before, you said that no matter what kind of son-in-law I wanted, you could fulfill my wish. Now you say such things. It's a pity you are still a god in charge of the world's marriages! Now I know that gods are nothing more than this. If I had known, I shouldn't have traveled so far to burn incense at your temple; it would have been better to just have a nice sleep at home."

Yue Lao never expected that as a Heavenly God, he would be so slighted by a mortal. He said anxiously: "Hmph! Isn't it just that he needs a good family background, a good profession, good character, a good temper, to be good to his wife, to be in good health, and not to be ugly! What is difficult about this? In this Mandarin Duck Register of mine, there happens to be such a person who meets your requirements, it's just that it's a bit difficult to handle."

Upon hearing this, the old woman said happily: "If there really is one, that's good! I wonder why it is difficult to handle?"

Yue Lao said: "That person is indeed good in every way, but there is one point: his lifespan is too short. He passed away yesterday and is now not in the world of the living, but in the Underworld waiting for reincarnation with Yan Luo Wang." Upon hearing this, the old woman cried loudly: "My good son-in-law! What is to be done! I finally found such a good son-in-law, how could we be separated by life and death? I won't have it! I don't care if he is a human or a ghost, I just want him to be my son-in-law!"

Yue Lao said: "Alright, stop crying! If you want your son-in-law to live, what is difficult about that? For this god, it is nothing but a piece of cake."

The old woman quickly said: "If the Great Immortal can bring that person back to life and make him my son-in-law, I am willing to offer sacrifices to the golden statue of Yue Lao in my home, burning incense and kowtowing morning and night, and will never dare to forget this kindness."

Yue Lao was very satisfied with the old woman's attitude and said to her: "You don't need to worry; just wait with peace of mind. I will go to the Underworld right now and guarantee that I will make that Yan Luo Wang release your precious son-in-law to come back and marry your daughter."

What a Yue Lao; he actually held the Mandarin Duck Register and broke straight into the Youmingjie, through the Ghost Gate. He claimed to be the Heavenly God Yue Lao from the upper realm and wanted to see Yan Luo Wang. The ghost soldiers guarding the gate were panicked and hurriedly reported to the Judges and Yan Luo Wang: "Outside, there is someone claiming to be the Heavenly God Yue Lao from the upper realm, asking to see Yan Luo Wang!"

Upon hearing this, Yan Luo Wang was very puzzled and said to the group of Judges: "Heavenly Gods from the upper realm rarely set foot in the Underworld. Moreover, this Yue Lao is in charge of marriage; why would he come to my Di Fu?"

A Judge said: "Regardless, Yue Lao is also a Heavenly God with a divine office, and his status is much higher than us Ghost Immortals of the Underworld. It would be better for us to go and welcome him."

Yan Luo Wang then took the group of Judges, Niu Tou, Ma Mian, and the Black and White Impermanence out of the hall gate, invited Yue Lao into the hall, and after they were seated as host and guest, he asked: "I wonder why the High God has descended to the Underworld?"

Yue Lao said: "The Jade Emperor has recently attached great importance to the marriages of the mortal beings and instructed me to do my best to achieve beautiful marriages for the living beings. Just now, I met an old woman who came to my temple to kowtow and burn incense. Seeing that she was of such an age and still worrying about her daughter's lifelong affairs, I could not bear it and promised to achieve a marriage for her daughter. It is just that the person the old woman took a fancy to had his lifespan end not long ago and is now in the Di Fu. Therefore, this god has come specifically before the Underworld Ruler to plead for that short-lived person, asking the Underworld Ruler to release him back to the mortal world to complete the marriage with the old woman's daughter and achieve a beautiful union!"

Upon hearing this, Yan Luo Wang and the Judge looked at each other, then seemed to be pondering something, saying nothing. The Judge walked to Yan Luo Wang's side and whispered: "Although Yue Lao has no authority to interfere in the affairs of the Underworld, he is, after all, a god of the Heavenly Realm and is well-acquainted with the Longevity Star, Lao Jun, and others. If we refuse him, he could go to the upper realm and obtain a Huan Hun Dan, and saving a mortal would be as easy as turning over his hand. In my opinion, there is no need to offend a Heavenly God for the sake of so-called rules. It would be better to do him a favor and give him the ghost soul he wants."

Upon hearing this, Yan Luo Wang nodded slightly and said to Yue Lao: "As the saying goes, it is better to tear down ten temples than to destroy one marriage. Since the High God wishes to fulfill a beautiful marriage, how could this small immortal dare not comply." Saying this, he ordered someone to bring the ghost soul up. It turned out that although that ghost soul was good in every way, there was only one point: he loved eating dog meat extremely much during his lifetime, and no one knew how many dogs, large and small, he had eaten. Just now, the Judge was judging him and was about to sentence him to be reincarnated into the Animal Path as a dog. Therefore, when he was dragged over by the ghost soldiers, he was still crying and shouting: "I don't want to be a dog! I don't want to be a dog!"

Yan Luo Wang slapped the gavel and said to the ghost soul: "You brat, you have good fortune! This time, the Heavenly God Yue Lao has come to tie the red thread for you; you don't have to be a dog, you can follow Yue Lao back to the mortal world to be a human."

Upon hearing this, the ghost soul was overjoyed and hurriedly kowtowed to Yue Lao, saying: "Thank you, Old Immortal, for your life-saving grace."

Yue Lao said: "It's just a small matter. Remember, after returning to the mortal world, you must manage affairs well on the outside and earn more gold and silver. On the inside, you must be good to your wife. All matters in the household, large and small—washing clothes, cooking, taking care of children, and so on—must also be done carefully and thoroughly, and you must not let your wife worry. You can only love your wife, one woman, for your whole life; you cannot have feelings for others, you cannot flirt or dally, and you must be devoted and serious about your relationship! In all things, you must listen to your wife more, be filial to your father-in-law and mother-in-law, and treat them as your own parents..."

Who would have thought that upon hearing these words, the ghost soul would immediately wail loudly, kowtowing repeatedly to Yan Luo Wang and the group of Judges, saying: "I was wrong! I was wrong! I would rather be reincarnated as a dog! I don't want to return to the world of the living! I don't want to return to the world of the living!"

Yue Lao, Yan Luo Wang, and the group of Judges and Underworld Ghost Officials were all dumbfounded, looking at the ghost soul in confusion.

Yan Luo Wang asked: "You fellow must have something wrong with your brain. Why would you rather be a dog than a human?"

The ghost soul said: "Before, it was just being a dog. If I really return to the world of the living and live like this, it would be worse than being a dog!"

Once these words were spoken, they caused Yan Luo Wang and the group of Ghost Immortals to burst into laughter. Yan Luo Wang turned to Yue Lao and said: "As the saying goes, a forced melon is not sweet. Since he is not willing himself, I think it is better not to force it. Let him be."

Yue Lao could only sigh helplessly.

Yan Luo Wang ordered the Judge to take out the register of dog breeds to see what kind of dog he should be sentenced to be. The Judge took out the register of dog breeds, opened it, and read: "Dog, canine. Large ones are called hounds, small ones are called dogs. There are pugs, golden retrievers, chihuahuas, huskies..."

Oh, that's right! Recently, a few new dog breeds have been added, namely: thin dogs, lick-dogs, gambler dogs, single dogs..."

Yan Luo Wang slapped the gavel and said: "This fellow, he is destined to be a single dog."

Upon hearing this, the group of ghost soldiers stepped forward, hoisted the ghost soul up, and were about to send him to the Animal Path for reincarnation.

But they were stopped by a sharp shout from Yue Lao: "Wait!"

Yan Luo Wang asked in confusion: "Does the High God have any other instructions?"

Yue Lao said: "The Underworld Ruler does not know. The Jade Emperor is worried that the mortal beings do not have good marriages and fears that the incense of the Heavenly Realm will be cut off, so he ordered me to tie more red threads for the living beings. But if this fellow really reincarnates as a single dog, he will disappear from my Mandarin Duck Register and will no longer be under my jurisdiction. Wouldn't that be another one who cuts off the incense? In my opinion, it is better to let him be a lick-dog!"

Upon hearing this, Yan Luo Wang said: "Easy! Easy! Then let him be a lick-dog!"

The ghost had already been carried far away by several ghost soldiers, yet he could still hear the conversation between Yue Lao and the King of Hell over here. He immediately struggled and cried out: "I won't be a simp! I won't be a simp!"

But how could they still tolerate him? In the blink of an eye, he was pushed down by that crowd of burly ghost soldiers, sent to be reincarnated into the Animal Path to become a simp!

(End of this chapter)