Chapter 150: What Goes Around Comes Around

The world had fallen into such chaos that bandits swarmed everywhere. Imperial edicts and local memorials could only be delivered by large armed escorts, and oversight of regional officials had grown lax. The deputy inspector of Ji Province was a mere sinecure, failing to notice even a "great treason" like Li Yan's right under his nose — let alone petty vices like corruption and graft.

Diwu Lun was mulling over taking the lead in embezzling commandery funds to support his private retinue. As he crossed the courtyard, he heard a clamor of argument erupt at the commandery office gate.

"You, child! This is the commandery office, where the Grand Governor and bureau heads test candidates for household retainers. Go play somewhere else!"

A moment later, a burst of mocking laughter followed: "What? You're here to apply as a household retainer?"

Could a child prodigy have come?

Diwu Lun glanced toward the main gate and indeed saw, beneath the towering figures of the commandery guards, a tiny person standing on tiptoe arguing with them. He stood less than five chi tall, yet his voice was the deep roar of a grown man: "I'm twenty-eight this year — you're the child!"

The men at the gate looked closer and laughed: "Oh, it's just a cripple."

"Cripple" meant a disabled person. Every commandery and county kept a cripple register, exempting those listed from military service and taxes. Some people would even pull every string they could to get themselves entered on it…

Diwu Lun got a clear look at the man too — his face was indeed covered in whiskers. A dwarf.

Others who had come to apply mocked his height and shooed him away: "We're not recruiting 'household entertainers' here. Leave quickly, before you humiliate yourself further."

The dwarf refused to back down, protesting loudly: "The Call for Worthies says background doesn't matter. Does an ugly face disqualify me from coming?"

"And don't look down on entertainers! In ancient times, Chu had You Meng, and Qin had You Zhan. Short of stature but lofty in wisdom, they dared to remonstrate with their lords. Not like some people — tall and imposing in body, yet their wits fall short of the average man!"

This little fellow had a sharp tongue and was taking shots at everyone, enraging the crowd at the gate. Diwu Lun hurriedly sent someone to stop the uproar and have the dwarf brought inside.

When the dwarf reached the hall, his legs were stubby, thick, and malformed, his head disproportionately large, his forehead protruding, his two eyes tiny beads, and his chin covered with a thick beard — his appearance could only be called hideous. Dressed in a child's clothes, he laboriously swung his short legs over the threshold and prostrated himself before Diwu Lun.

"This humble one is Huang Chang, courtesy name Menggao. I pay my respects to the Lord of the Commandery!"

The name was the complete opposite of his appearance. The five household officers in the hall covered their mouths and laughed; even Household Attendant Ma Yuan could not suppress a grin. Diwu Lun, however, remained utterly solemn: "Where does the gentleman hail from?"

Huang Chang was studying Diwu Lun's expression as well. Had Diwu Lun shown the disdain and contempt he had encountered from every other great personage he had sought out, he would have turned on his heel and left. Seeing Diwu Lun's dignified manner, he answered: "This humble one comes from Neihuang County."

Neihuang County — the place where Xiang Yu once crossed the Yellow River and smashed his cauldrons and sank his boats. Over the past two hundred years, the great river had twice burst its banks and changed course, and Neihuang had shifted from the riverbank to north of the river.

Most local scholars of humble background who spoke with Diwu Lun could only use their native dialects or clumsy court speech. But this Huang Chang was intriguing — he spoke in a flawless Chang'an accent, which piqued Diwu Lun's curiosity a little further.

Ma Yuan said: "Since you come recommending yourself, young sir, tell us — what skills do you possess?"

He deliberately slipped in the word "young." Huang Chang paid it no mind and said: "First, I was fortunate in my birth."

Born a dwarf, his very body incomplete — how could that be called fortunate? But Huang Chang argued with conviction: "Had I been born into a commoner tenant family, I would have been drowned in a ditch at birth. As it happened, I was born into a locally prominent house, and as the eldest son by a concubine, my parents could not bear to abandon me and raised me as best they could."

"Thus from childhood, I never had to worry about food and clothing, nor was I sold into the city to be an entertainer, performing tricks to curry favor in the mansions of kings and marquises."

Indeed, since arriving in this era, Diwu Lun had attended no shortage of noble banquets. Dwarfs served as comedic performers, classified as "those to be toyed with," often appearing in pairs to do slapstick skits, sing, and perform acrobatics at feasts.

Huang Chang said his good fortune lay precisely in this — he had servants to attend him and could sit upright in his study, reading widely from the full range of books.

Huang Chang's speech was fluent and had already met Diwu Lun's standard. Diwu Lun asked: "Which classic does your family transmit? Who was your teacher? What books have you read?"

Huang Chang said: "My family transmits no classic, and no teacher was willing to take me as a disciple. Everything I have learned, I learned on my own. Whatever book I found, I read."

"Thus, this humble one studied the Primer at ten, and after three winters, my literacy was sufficient for clerical work. At twelve, I studied the Analects and the Classic of Filial Piety, grasping the principles of human conduct. At fifteen, I studied the Odes and Documents, reciting two hundred thousand words. At nineteen, after marrying, I began to engage with rhapsodies and verse, and I am especially fond of the works of Master Ziyun."

Diwu Lun was not overly surprised — Yang Xiong's writings did not circulate widely in Hebei. He guessed that Huang Chang was a clever man who had prepared based on the examiner's preferences. But barely half a month had passed since the Call for Worthies was issued; subtracting the travel time from Neihuang to Yecheng, for Huang Chang to manage this was no small feat. Many of his competitors had come entirely unprepared.

Diwu Lun then asked: "My teacher's essays and rhapsodies are many. Which do you love most?"

Huang Chang did not hesitate: "I love 'Mockery' most of all."

"Can you recite a line or two?"

"Of course!"

Huang Chang immediately began: "'Now the Middle Kingdom has the Eastern Sea on its left, Qusou on its right, Panyu before it, and Jiaotu behind. A commandant in the southeast, a warden in the northwest. Bound with inked cords, restrained by the executioner's block, diffused with rites and music, seasoned with the Odes and Documents, broadened by months and years, concluded in the mourning hut. The scholars of the realm, stirred like thunder, gathered like clouds, massed like fish scales, all bustle within the eight quarters.'"

Interesting. The opening line was clearly "Now the Great Han has the Eastern Sea on its left." Huang Chang had many choices, yet he deliberately picked this line and deliberately altered it — he was demonstrating his political sensitivity to Diwu Lun.

Diwu Lun liked to employ clever people, even if they had a touch of cunning: "In 'Mockery,' my teacher urges men not to be obsessed with fame and office. Why, then, are you willing to apply as a household retainer?"

Huang Chang launched into awkward flattery of Diwu Lun: "My Lord entered the city under an alias bearing a credential, throwing the rebels' hearts into disarray — that is great wisdom and great courage. Huang Chang is won over by my Lord and wishes to serve as a supporting wing."

"Secondly… Master Ziyun also says in that essay: 'Master Lin achieved merit at the Zhang Terrace, the Four Graybeards gathered glory on the Southern Mountain, Gongsun founded his enterprise at the Bronze Horse Gate, the General of Agile Cavalry rose to prominence at Qilian, Dongfang Shuo cut roast meat for his wife…' To possess wisdom and stratagems yet be unable to use them — that is the true crime. Though Huang Chang's body is that of a cripple, my heart, like Dongfang Shuo's, is nine chi and three cun long."

From this tiny frame of less than five chi, one could indeed glimpse the power of a certain intelligence. As the conversation reached this point, Diwu Lun also recalled that his own teacher, Yang Xiong, had once begun his career as a household attendant to Wang Yin, the Grand Marshal and General of Chariots and Cavalry.

At this moment, Ma Yuan leaned in and exchanged a few quiet words with Diwu Lun.

"A glib tongue — the sharpest-talking bamboo shoot has no meat. I don't like this man."

Diwu Lun glanced at his father-in-law. Strange, then — why did you take a liking to me?

Besides, he was only a household retainer. There would be plenty of time to assess him for promotion.

Deputy examiner Ma Yuan flashed Diwu Lun another hand signal, one the two had agreed upon. He meant that Huang Chang should be given a post like household counselor or household inspector, which had several slots. If his rank were set too high, others would likely object.

But after thinking it over, Diwu Lun felt that Huang Chang was indeed the candidate who had most satisfied him in this round of interviews — a sharp-witted thoroughbred. Outsiders, judging by appearances, took him for a broken-down nag.

Employing him would get things done, while others would see Diwu Lun as so thirsty for talent that he would even use a cripple. Wasn't that killing two birds with one stone?

So Diwu Lun went his own way and said: "The ancients said, 'Judging a man by his looks cost Ziyu his due.' The gentleman is indeed a great talent. A post of household copyist remains vacant — would the gentleman be willing to take it?"

Not having secured the more important posts of household libationer or household merit evaluator, Huang Chang was slightly disappointed. But the household copyist handled document drafting and transcription, ranking slightly higher than the other minor clerks who came in multiples. Moreover, he could attend the Grand Governor's side, gain access to important documents, and even take part in deliberations — not bad at all. Huang Chang believed that with his ability, he would surely stand out.

Huang Chang then prostrated himself and said: "Chang is willing to be my Lord's Chunyu Kun!"

Chunyu Kun was a live-in son-in-law of Qi, standing less than seven chi tall, a master of wit and debate. He was sent on numerous missions to the feudal lords and never once suffered humiliation — something of an idol for short men.

After Huang Chang withdrew, Ma Yuan looked over the list of those whose posts were still undecided: "For household merit evaluator and household libationer, who does Boyu intend to appoint?"

Household merit evaluator — the name itself made clear it was the critical link between the commandery office's "inner court" and the Merit Evaluation Section, and at a crucial moment could even supplant it. Diwu Lun planned to use a trusted man of his own.

The household libationer, on the other hand, would conduct sacrifices on the Grand Governor's behalf and serve as the face and advertisement of the new administration.

Diwu Lun thought for a moment and said: "We must use an elder of high virtue and prestige. Even if his talent is mediocre, that's fine — the key is that his outer shell must be pleasing to the eye!"

So he selected the oldest and best-looking man among the applicants to fill the post.

Ah, in the end, no matter the era, it all comes down to looks.

From that day on, once word spread that even the cripple Huang Chang had been given a post, even more people in Yecheng came to apply as household retainers.

But Diwu Lun stopped accepting them, merely having Ma Yuan relay a message to these latecomers: "The household officer posts are fully staffed for this year. Gentlemen, come again next year!"

Diwu Lun's household officers were indeed all in place now, numbering over thirty. Without exception, they were literate local scholars, mostly from humble backgrounds — that is, small landowning families. Previously stuck in limbo, neither high enough to reach nor low enough to settle, they had now poured into Diwu Lun's service in a single wave.

After a bit of training, Diwu Lun could insert them into the various bureau sections, to see whether they could carve out a path through the offices long monopolized by powerful local clans and veteran clerks.

Those who came to join him of their own accord were already in the fold, and the next step was…

Diwu Lun smiled. "Time to invite them to dinner!"

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……

While Geng Chun and Ma Yuan had been busy these past days, Diwu Lun had not been idle either — he was mainly figuring out exactly who the powerful families of Wei Commandery were, who might be potential friends, and who might become enemies.

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"The Ximen clan mainly relies on the legacy of their ancestor, the great official Ximen Bao, and is renowned as a line of virtuous gentry, which is why they have the people's hearts. But in terms of real power and established clan influence, they actually fall far short of these other families."

Diwu Lun laid out the various clans of the commandery for Ma Yuan and Geng Chun.

"The strongest in martial force is none other than the Li clan of Wu'an County."

"They are descendants of Li Mu, the famous general of Zhao. Their martial strength is the greatest. Li Neng serves as Bandit-Seizing Clerk in Yecheng, and his family controls half the commandery troops. It is also said they possess a family heirloom book of military strategy."

"And his younger brother Li Lu serves as Iron Official in Wu'an, controlling over a thousand iron-office convict laborers."

If the Ximen clan's strength lay in popular support, wealth, and grain, then the Li clan was the military backbone of the commandery. Through marriage alliances with the Ximen, they were thus able to dominate commandery affairs and make a figurehead of the Governor.

There were also many other great and powerful houses, such as the Tang clan of Chiqiu County — the ancestral home of that Grand Mentor and Marquis of Pinghua, Tang Zun. If you don't remember the man, just think of how he madly dispatched men to patrol the roads of Chang'an, and whenever they saw a man and woman walking together, they would go splash mud on them. That is the man currently in power at court. Although the Great Xin likely has only days left, there is still no need to rashly offend him.

Then there was the Xu clan of Ping'en County, one of the few noble houses in Wei Commandery, with a long and distinguished lineage. Xu Guanghan, father of Han Empress Xu Pingjun, was enfeoffed as Marquis of Ping'en. But because Xu Guanghan was a eunuch of the Lateral Courts, the title was inherited by his younger brother. The family was illustrious for a time, producing two empresses in one line — only that after Han Emperor Cheng's Empress Xu fell from favor, the family was implicated and gradually declined.

When the Xin Dynasty replaced the Han, Wang Zhengjun took pity on Empress Xu and allowed the marquisate to continue. Now the fifth-generation Marquis of Ping'en, Xu Jing, holds the title.

"And there is the Feng clan of Fanyang County, descendants of Feng Yang, Governor of Hongnong under Han Emperor Xuan. Feng Yang had eight sons, all of whom held high offices at the two-thousand-bushel salary rank. The people of Zhao and Wei thought this glorious, and so they called the Feng family the 'Feng Ten Thousand Bushels.' They, too, are a renowned clan in the commandery."

None of these three families had sons or younger members holding posts in the commandery. The Tang perhaps disdained such positions; the Xu kept a low profile out of fear; and the Feng, after a sudden meteoric rise, had swiftly fallen again and failed to squeeze their way in.

At this point, Diwu Lun stopped, which struck Geng Chun as odd.

"And what of the famous 'Three Zhao' of the Wei lands? Does Boyu not intend to invite them?"

The Three Zhao were actually surnamed Liu — the Marquis of Hangou, the Marquis of Jipei, and the Marquis of Hanhui, all enfeoffed sons of the Zhao kings during the reigns of Emperors Wu and Xuan. They could be considered remnants of the former dynasty's Zhao line. Though they had lost their marquis titles, they were still great and powerful magnates in the commandery, only barred from holding office because they were Liu imperial clansmen.

Diwu Lun smiled. "I have my own calculations."

For now, the ones he intended to "invite to dinner" were the Tang, Xu, and Feng families — putting on the posture of "governing the commandery together with the scholar-officials" and making as many friends as possible.

And the ones Diwu Lun most wanted to invite were the Feng.

"When I traveled north to Yecheng, I passed through Fanyang County and heard of the deeds of the Feng family's heir, Feng Qin. The county folk say he was brilliant from childhood, already proficient in calculation by the age of eight, and when grown he stood eight feet three inches tall, a man of outstanding presence. I wish to recruit him as my Accounting Clerk!"

If the dwarf Huang Chang heard those words, he would surely weep — so Lord Diwu is also a man who judges by appearances! In truth, Diwu Lun simply needed a bureau clerk skilled in calculation, that was all.

But a few days later, Ma Yuan, who had been sent by Diwu Lun's order to the Feng clan to recruit Feng Qin, returned with a face full of delight and told Diwu Lun some news.

"Boyu."

"That Feng Qin is indeed a great talent — outstanding in appearance, extraordinary in speech, and young too, barely past twenty."

Ma Yuan had always had high standards; if he thought someone good, they were certainly no ordinary person.

"As for your offer of recruitment, Feng Qin said…"

Ma Yuan cleared his throat and said to Diwu Lun, word for word: "Feng Qin said, 'I am overwhelmed with trepidation at the undeserved favor shown by Lord Diwu, the Governor. It is only that I am still young, and have read too little; those empty reputations are merely the idle talk of villagers. Since I have yet to cultivate myself, and my household is not yet in order, I dare not even serve as a minor clerk — how could I rashly take up a bureau post and assist the Commandery Governor in governing the commandery? Please seek some other lofty talent instead!'"

Diwu Lun was stunned. Wasn't this the exact same formula he himself had used to politely decline Zhang Zhan's summons? In the past, I declined others; now others decline me?

And Geng Chun, whom Diwu Lun had been running ragged and who was full of pent-up complaints, along with Ma Yuan, who was still disgruntled at having to run errands for his son-in-law — the two of them were doubled over in laughter. They had only talked about resigning their posts; they never imagined someone else would actually do it. Instantly, they gloated over his misfortune and said to Diwu Lun:

"Boyu, oh Boyu, so the day has come for you too!"